Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

Sons request to live with Dad (with background info)

15 replies

Ryan1990 · 06/12/2021 12:14

Hi all. First post here. Just after some advice. My partner and I split up in 2014 when our son was one year old due to several cases of domestic violence which she was charged for. We went through the courts for a couple of years to sort custody of our son and property issues. We agreed on a 50/50 shared parenting plan which had its hiccups to start but when these were ironed out it ran quite smoothly.

His mum and I do not speak apart from any emergencies or illness that arise.

My son attends a church school (as agreed by his mums and myself at the time).

Fast forward a couple more years and my ex partner has now become a Muslim and married a Muslim man. My son has come to our house stating that his mum has been smacking him which I reported to SS and we went through the family group conference which stopped the smacking. His step father has now started ‘shaking’ and ‘dragging him around the house’ which I have also reported but SS didn’t feel there was enough of a report to do anything with.

My son lives two lives essentially. Myself and my wife are not religious so when he’s with us he can eat what he wants. He gets to celebrate Christmas and Birthdays and go to parties etc which he is not allowed to do when at his mothers house. He has been complaining recently that his mum and step dad are forcing him to say Muslim greetings and do Muslim things (eat with his right hand, say Salam’s and do Muslim courses as well as attend mosque against his will and that if he doesn’t follow the rules he will go to hell on the day of judgement) and he has been told that Santa is not real. If he does not do these things when at their house he is penalised and made to say/do them.

He has come to our house this weekend and requested that he wants to live with us from now on but I’m not sure what we can do about this as he is only 8 years old. It’s really upsetting me to hear the things that he is being forced to do.

Does anyone have any advice for this situation? If I were to go to court would they say he is too young to choose?

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 06/12/2021 12:56

I am clueless but the shaking and dragging is very worrying. Could you tell the police? How long ago was it? If this was my child I'd be making an Emergency Residency Order application.

www.kabirfamilylaw.co.uk/emergency-residence-order/

Original poster

Ryan1990 · 06/12/2021 18:12

Hi. Thanks for your reply. I have told the police and they have visited his mum and step dad but nothing more. It’s the emotional side of things more than anything that worries me. He does not seem happy doing anything when he is at their house. If he complains they suspect that it is my wife who has told him to complain when that is not the case. I don’t feel that he is being taken seriously or able to voice his concerns without them blaming us.

OP posts:

KarmaViolet · 06/12/2021 18:29

If you and his mum agreed he should go to a church school, was he baptised / christened? Most church schools insist unless they are under subscribed.

You can apply for a specific issue order / prohibited steps order to prevent your son from being compelled to convert to Islam. If he wants to live with you, you need to apply for a child arrangements order with an order that he lives with you and spends time with his mum, plus the SIO / PSO to prevent her from changing his religion. Don't just hold on to him though, that will cause unnecessary panic, do it properly through the court.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families Family law General parenting

CovidCorvid · 06/12/2021 18:40

I’m amazed SS haven’t taken the shaking and dragging more seriously. Someone I know her boyfriend dragged her 15yo son up the stairs and the boy told his teachers (he did have bruising from the struggle). The boy was put in foster care, the boyfriend was arrested, charged with assault (and ultimately found guilty) and the mother was to,d she wasn’t allowed any further contact or her other kids would be removed (they were on the at risk register for a year). I’d be revisiting SS and asking why isn’t more being done….can the school support you?

That aside get a decent solicitor and start asking about residence.

CovidCorvid · 06/12/2021 18:41

@Ryan1990

Do be careful you don’t get accused of parental alienation which I’ve seen some parents on here be accused of. You’re between a rock and a hard place sometimes.

serengtisprinter · 06/12/2021 18:46

I would go for full custody.

The husband should nt be laying his hands on your son

serengtisprinter · 06/12/2021 18:51

I would speak to a good solicitor and tell them the Childs needs have changed and see if they can amend the order.

PlasticPlantsDontDie · 06/12/2021 18:52

You poor thing. What a dreadful thing to have to put up with.

Personally I would keep the son with me, telling them he has reported violence and that you are doing nothing until SS has guaranteed his safety. In the light of Arthur I should imagine they will have to take this seriously.

GeorgeTheFirst · 06/12/2021 19:42

Honestly? You are going to go through a difficult few years where he lives between the two of you and you have to work out how to make that comfortable for him. Make sure he knows he can tell you things and you won't make a huge fuss. Don't criticise his mum, he loves her.

When he is older, (between 2 and 5 years older?), he may well seek a change. But he needs you both in his life so even then you have to think about how to make it work for him.

FrippEnos · 06/12/2021 20:05

Keep reporting the abuse and go to court for full custody.

lotsofdogshere · 06/12/2021 20:16

Did the social workers investigate your sons allegations of being shaken and dragged around? Did they see your son on his own?

Private law disputes are notoriously difficult and Social Workers often encourage families to resolve disagreements together. You’re in a rotten situation and don’t want to be accused of exaggerating or causing your son to complain.

Listen, try not to interrogate, keep a record.

dustandfluf · 06/12/2021 20:46

@GeorgeTheFirst

When he is older, (between 2 and 5 years older?), he may well seek a change. But he needs you both in his life so even then you have to think about how to make it work for him.

Children DO NOT need emotionally and physically abusive parents and step parents in their lives!!! The news over the last few days has clearly shown us this.

gonnabeok · 06/12/2021 20:53

Definitely apply for full custody through a child arrangement order and prohibited steps order, seek legal advice through a family solicitor
I would do it ASAP as the family courts have a backlog. First I would send an email to the mum politely requesting that she stops making him do these things as he is not Muslim. You can then show the court you have actively requested she stop this behaviour.

BingBongToTheMoon · 06/12/2021 20:57

@GeorgeTheFirst

When he is older, (between 2 and 5 years older?), he may well seek a change. But he needs you both in his life so even then you have to think about how to make it work for him.

No, honestly, dad has to work to keep his son SAFE.

toddybell · 06/12/2021 21:01

I think with her previous history of domestic violence, SS would've been all over her and her husband with any new allegations of violence towards your son.

Also, as a fellow Muslim, I'm disgusted at them coercing your son to follow the 'Islamic' way or else... I think that's just as abusive to your son as the alleged dragging and shoving. Please don't take this lightly. If I were you, id keep your son at home with you and provide SS/lawyers with your reasons why.

Flip