My daughter shouts at me

[RosyN]

My daughter (3) shouts at me alot. I have tried to be calm, nurturing, fun, attentive, gentle mum. I didn't have good parenting and I have terrible self esteem issues at 46. I'm an older mum as I had trouble conceiving and 5 rounds of IVF. I don't have any family really or many friends (after hard times and moving cities).

The shouting is making me feel terrible, and this morning I cried uncontrollably in front of DD. I saw my aging critical parents at the weekend and they just criticise me/show no interest in me or DD. I don't have a job because my boss kept shouting at me. Struggling.

Being a "calm, nurturing, fun, attentive, gentle mum" is lovely, and don't stop being that kind of mum. But it isn't always enough - kids need boundaries too, and consequences for going outside of those boundaries.
What do you do when she shouts at you? What are the consequences?
Have you tried explaining to DD how you feel when she shouts at you?

Why does she shout at you? Is it because she isn't getting her own way, or for some other reason?

So sorry you're having a tough time
Op. Could you stay away from your parents if they make you feel so awful? My 4 year old can be very shouty. I remind him we need to use a kind a voice and put him in time out. It's sheer frustration at that age they don't know better until we show them better.

Kids at this age can't control their emotions and they also don't have empathy. It's not your fault. It's just the developmental she is at. Try to remain firm and don't compromise on any boundaries she has set. If she keeps shouting and it gets you down I'd try to (kindly as in not in a huff) ignore her or maybe tell her you'll engage with her again once she's calmed down or found her polite voice again.

Is there anything in particular that triggers her shouting? Eg tiredness, hunger, sensory issues, etc?

Don't be so hard on yourself (and definitely ignore your critical parents), please. It will get better (and if not maybe give he health visitors a Ring for any advice or to check if it's normal)

I'm an older mum too. I don't know if it's an age thing or just a parent thing or just a human thing but I tend to second guess myself a lot as well. Be good to yourself!!

It's pretty normal for 2-3 year olds to be noisy, and that can include shouting. It's a developmental stage about finding their voices, wanting to be heard and noticed, and learning about the world. That being said, by age 3-4, it's ok to be encouraging 'little voices', 'our indoor voices', or some other similar expression.

But you really don't like shouting, OP, do you? And that's normal too. Did your parents shout at you? I think if you can understand that this is a fairly deep-rooted and normal response, you can try to build up some resilience. So somebody raises their voice. And? So someone shouts. So what? Ask them not to. Tell them you'll respond when they ask nicely.

Is there a DP in the picture btw, if you don't mind me asking. I'm wondering how much support you have at home. Take care

Sorry I meant don't compromise your boundaries or an rules you have set for her.

One strategy might be to fairly playfully tell her your ears are too full up with noise and that you can't hear her unless she talks more quietly. If you don't respond with what she wants when she shouts but do respond when she speaks more quietly then she should get the message.

What do you mean by shouting at you? It's worth trying to break it down. As a PP says children this age are learning about their voices. So 'I WANT A DRINK NOW' is different from 'YOU'RE HORRID' or 'I DONT WANT TO GO TO BED' and how you manage them should be different.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling OP, being a parent is hard .

At three your daughter doesn’t know any better. But by being calm and not shouting yourself, you’re teaching her by example.

Don’t forget, it’s still possible to set boundaries and consequences in a calm and loving way.

Ignore your parents, they are likely threatened because you’re doing a better job than they did.

Shouting what? When tired? Hungry? How do you respond?
No need to inflict your parents on her.
Try to not sob uncontrollably in front of her, this would have been frightening for her, feeling responsible for you.

Thanks for responding. To answer questions she shouts for lots of reasons:

• to get her own way
• because she is not getting her own way
• because someone accidentally talks over her
• when her requested songs are playing (she shouts the words really angrioy and really loudly)
• after the cinema
• over clothes
• over the way i put her clothes on
• over food
• over the dog - licking her feet occasionally
• not wanting to go out
• not wanting to go home
• she often says I push her over when I don't
• she shouts that I hurt her when I don't at all.. not an angry mum.
• when she thinks I'm not listening (driving in particular)

The lists is far longer but these are the regular ones.

I have tried to explained that it makes me feel sad. I don't punish because it's hard to while out and about.aube I should introduce time out at home and punish on returning home?

Re.my parents - my dad isn't well (trouble walking, dimensia, just recovered from heart attack and quad bypass)... He is so bored and lonely. It's.mum that upsets me/ignores DD.

Thanks for all the new replies. I don't mind shouting. Shout occasionally myself.

Have many other challenges at the moment (far too complicated to write down here) and just struggling under the weight of all the decisions.

Thanks for the suggestions. It helps alot.

Speak to your h v
Ask for referral to a parenting group to get support and talk things through

3yos are largely nightmares but I think this is less about your 3yo and more about you. Have you sought any help for how you're feeling? I'm a pretty resilient person but if I'm tired or ill, a tantrum or shouting just feels worse, whereas when I'm in good form I can handle anything my nightmare 3yo can, and does, throw my way.

My DD shouts at me a lot. Like your DD she is trying out strategies to get her own way. I try not to let it get to me but it does sometimes. Just wanted to let you know that this sounds like my experience too.

Have you tried saying very calmly but firmly
“I don’t listen to people who shout at me, come and speak to me when you want to speak to me properly “
One of mine could be a bit shouty and I found that the above worked pretty well.

It's probably considered 'outdated/old fashioned/not child centric' whatever, but I find a 'who do you think you're talking to' still works a treat (after the first couple of times when you have to try hard not to laugh when they say 'you' or 'what'🤣

Without laughing say 'you do not shout at mummy like that'

...they soon realise their tone/shouting is not acceptable.

You need to set boundaries. I don’t reply to DS, who is 2, if she shouts or hits me. He now knows not to hit & that if he wants something he has to add please or thank you to the end. He still does it, because kids this age love testing boundaries, but if you keep repeating the same consequence she will eventually learn.

Ignore the bad, praise the good. When she shouts quietly say to her if she would like something to ask nicely and quietly then move on with whatever you’re doing until she asks nicely then praise.

You do need boundaries as pp has mentioned. She needs to know what is acceptable at home and then into nursery/school as they won’t allow shouting.

No one demands anything in this house, 4 boys though so it’s a bit of a zoo but those who can’t/don’t behave nicely do not get nice things etc. I did a parenting course which is part of my sons camhs asd assessment to help manage his behaviour - it’s not just for Sen I use the techniques for all 4 kids and adjust things for my youngest it was v helpful. (Triple p) run by the council but I know Solihull is being used in lots of areas you could ask your hv, they are good to build your confidence. I’d perhaps steer clear of grandparents they don’t sound like they bring much to your lives tbh you’d be happier without that negative influence I think. Good luck op

Dare I say it, but I think you might be being a little too passive? You're the mum and that makes you in charge. What you say goes. Tiny tots simply can't have it all their own way all the time, no matter how much they holler. They need consistent boundaries, firmly - but kindly - applied. So tell her, 'No, do not shout at mummy' or 'stop making that noise' or whatever. But mean it.

There's no point in letting her have a strop when you are out and then giving a delayed reprimand when you are back home. She's too small for that yet. They need immediate consequences.

If she starts shouting when you are in a shop because you won't buy her what she wants (for instance) then you calmly tell her no, she can't have it. If she carries on, tell her you will count to three and if she doesn't stop shouting you will take her straight home. And carry that out. It doesn't matter if she screams the place down, she needs to learn boundaries, and to control her emotions. We've all been there, with the shrieking monster in the supermarket, believe me!

She is probably also now old enough to understand being told that if she behaves well and doesn't make a fuss, then she can have (nice thing she likes) afterwards. If she then misbehaves, it's her own fault she misses out on the treat.

Sorry you are finding all this so hard

Again thanks to all ideas. I REALLY appreciate it.

I have tried the firm and repeated phrases (don't speak to me like that, or waiting for her to ask nicely ) and praising the good/ignoring the bad. I guess I'm suddenly struggling as this has suddenly Stopped working... she no longer responds to the warning tone/firm telling off. And in addition has started hitting/ kicking me.

Yes ... it is probably more about me. Usually pretty resilient but yes it's got on top of me today for a number of reasons and I don't have any support.

I will definitely follow up on HV suggestions (didn't know about this).

It really helps alot to hear of all the similar experiences 😊

Don't shout back at her even if tempted.
Ignore tantrums walk away if she safe
Speak calmly

Agree.

I sometimes say to my 3 year old, please don’t shout at me, it’s rude and it’s not nice. It’s the same with interrupting, sure it’s not modern parenting, but I tell her interrupting is rude, and she should wait her turn, when grown ups are talking to each other. I try to praise all sensible attempts to communicate and especially waiting her turn, saying please abs thanks etc.

She does still shout and interrupt, but she is 3, and I see this as a process of expectation setting.

Thanks. Yeah I do the whole 'interrupting is rude', and praising the positive, or where possible walking away. It's happening more out and about in crowded areas and I have a bad back making extraction more difficult. I think if anything she is bored with the same old tone/feedback and is just stepping it up a gear. I've found some good books and have ready called the health visitor to sign up to a course if there is one available.

Thanks again all x