Coming to terms with not having any more children

[undergroundernie]

I have 2 children, ds is 5, dd 3 1/2, I have had 3 miscarriages this year and realistically think it's unlikely we'll have any more children. I know I'm very lucky to have my 2 and our family feels nice and balanced. They have similar interests due to their ages and are both now old enough to be well out of the baby stage. Dd starts school in September and so I will be able to move into a new stage of looking for a part time job and getting back a bit of a career of my own. However part of me still yearns to have that other child. I would love to see what they are like, knowing how fantastic the other two are . Part of this I know is due to sadness left over from miscarrying.

I wanted to hear from anyone else who has been in a similar position and has decided not to try again for another child. Is it a decision you regret or is it a decision you have become more comfortable with as the years pass?

I think I have spent rather too much time thinking about this over the past 12 months. It isn't as if I can decide to have another child, we can decide to try but it is quite likely we would lose that one as well. The thing is I can't think of sex without thinking of babies and whether or not i want to get pregnant, and I can't bring myself to use contraception either.

Any contributions to the discussion that keeps whirling round my head would be gratefully received!

Iam so sorry you feel like this. I had 3 mcs and decided I couldnt try again because I just couldnt go through another mc, I didnt have any children. I took it really hard and couldnt cope with the decision that we had made. I got very very depressed. Fortunely I fell pregant accidently and I went on to haVE DS1. If I hadnt got preg accidently I dont know what I would of done I know I would of regreted it. But everyone is different and it may be something you can get passed with time

Hi orangehead, I'm so glad that happened for you. When I think of situations like yours it makes me realise how lucky I am. It took us 3 years to conceive ds and I know that at that time I was desperate to have a child. I would have found it very difficult/almost impossible to accept that I couldn't. My sister-in-law had many miscarriages, they have accepted they are not going to have children and they seem happy. I admit I have never talked to her about it, they live on the other side of the world and it is not a conversation i can face having at a distance. I'm also reluctant to talk to anyone in real life about it, I'm quite a private shy person. The beauty of mumsnet is that I can ask this question anonymously.

Hi, undergroundernie. I have one beautiful DD now nearly 6yo and although I have not gone through the pain and trauma of mcs, DH & I finally made the decision not to have any more. I am happy with this decision for most of the time and I think it is the best decision for our family as a whole, but every now & then, I wonder 'what if....'

The bit that struck me was the fact that you are not using contraception. I didn't use contraception for 2 years while we were going through the shall we/shan't we (can we/can't we) stages. It really messed with my head and meant I could never relax and fully make that decision. Every month I would be convinced I was PG, every month disappointed. When I finally booked in with the docs & had a coil fitted, I felt I could finally relax and it was out of my hands. Maybe you should give your self six months off - use contraception, relax and put thoughts of another child on hold. In 6 months time you can re-assess your feelings and take things from there??

I hope that this dosn't sound facile or trite, but the hormonal pull of another baby can sometimes become overwhelming and colour every thing you do. I had to step back and regain control of my emotions, and am now happy with the decision I made. I will always have the 'what if...' but that would be true if the decision had gone the other way too....

Hi there. I am i a similar situation. I have one dd who is now 12. Unfortuantely, I lost 2 babies to Ectopic pgs when dd was 5 and it took away any chance of conceiving naturally again. I was already 36, so NHS weren't going to fund it either.

It took me a good few years to get over the fact that I'd never have any more babies. Particularly tough, since I'm a childminder and surrounded by babies all the time! They were many times when I had to come away from various playgroups with mindees, because I had been there with my dd and knew I wouldn't be going with mine again and also seeing my friends with 2 or more babies. That was hard.

However. As time has gone on and dd has got older, I'm very grateful that I have her and also that I'm starting to get my life back again, whereas all my friends have a good few more years yet!

I think a lot of people want more children, as their lo's reach milestones in nursery or primary school, but when the choice has been taken away, its even harder. You know what its like, if someone says you can't have something, you inevitably want it more!

It does get easier, I promise.

Hi, I am not in exactley the same position, I have never had a miscarriage and can never imagine how hard that must be for you. I have 2dds that I love and adore , I always wanted to have a large family but have suffered from pre eclampsia with both my pregnancies resulting in me spending most of the latter part of my pregnancies in hospital. The risk to my health would be very great if I were to have another baby and I could not bear the thought of leaving my dds without a mother. We made the decision as soon as dd2 was born safely thast we could not have any more and my husband has had a vasectomy before I could get broody again and talk him round. I still find it hard whenever a friend has another baby but have come to terms with the decision 9given that I have no choice). I also try to remember how lucky I am to have 2 beautiful children, many people don't get that opportunity. I hope you find the peace you need soon.

I'm sorry.

We're in the same position after a missed miscarriage.

Also have two beautiful children, ages 4 and 2.

I hope you can find some peace.