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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I being a cow?

26 replies

Gah1234 · 03/12/2021 10:01

I've name changed and can't give too much information as I don't want others to work out who I am.

It was a joint decision to have a baby. We have a 6 month old daughter.

Just for context, DH lost a parent before DD was born, it was awful. Loosing a parent is something you just never get over.

Anyway, putting the above a side and many months down the line, I just can't help but feel he doesn't love her (DD) as much as I do.

He's just had two days off and spent the majority of the time playing games on his phone and ipad. He's never not playing a game on these. I've not had a 'day off' since the day she was born and I'm starting to resent his lack of enthusiasm towards her. He is brilliant at the housework, he's not lazy, but sometimes I wish he'd actively want to play with her /spend time with her and the house be a mess or I do the housework, which I do do.

Once she's in her cot for the night he often 'pays me attention' (typical man), he's respectful if I'm not in the mood but I'm loathed these days to even consider being in the mood when he isn't making the same effort to spend time with DD in his free time.

Parents say it's just men, they're mostly like this, but I don't think that's true.

Should I expect more?

OP posts:

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Skysblue · 03/12/2021 10:15

I felt the same as you. It was disappointing and upsetting. Having now met many more mums and dads, and talked to so many mums over the years about this, I say with confidence: most men ARE like this, yes.

Annoyingly 🤣 some men are not like this at all, and adore their babies and are mesmerised them - but most men just aren’t very interested until the baby is old enough to wrestle with, play football with etc.

ChrissyPlummer · 03/12/2021 10:19

6 month old isn’t that interesting. Not a parent but when my DN was that age, you couldn’t ‘play’ with her. Like pp said, some men are better when kids become more mobile.

Goosesgoose · 03/12/2021 10:24

Yes it is men. Your parents are right.

I’m not saying men don’t love their babies and to varying degrees look after them. But they do lack the instinctive ability to see babies the way women do I think. Tbh, I think until they’re a little older men just see some little glob they know they have to keep safe but they don’t really recognise baby behaviour or appreciate it.

If you ever go to a party and someone brings a baby all the women will be cooing and fussing over it and men will be like “nice a baby, now back to whatever I’m doing” - they don’t act that way if it’s a toddler or kid being cute (unless they’re assholes).

I think men love small babies abstractly as an idea but don’t a clue what to do or think of them in reality, it’s just not in them. They can keep them safe and give them food if they have to (but they’d rather you did the latter). I really think it’s natural and deluding ourselves men and women are the same will just lead to disappointment and resentment. A woman in the past wouldn’t have expected her husband to act or feel like her so this would have been a total non issue.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3-6 months old 6-9 months old Babies & sleep Families

Original poster

Gah1234 · 03/12/2021 10:30

Ok thanks everyone

OP posts:

WimpoleHat · 03/12/2021 10:30

Parents say it's just men, they're mostly like this, but I don't think that's true.

I agree with your parents. My DH is a bloody fantastic dad; spends loads of time with our DDs. Far better at playing with them etc than I am. But he never “got” the baby stage. He put on a better show of interest than it sounds like your DH does, but will openly admit now that he didn’t really enjoy them until they were about 3. I don’t think this is uncommon.

Fluffygreyjumper · 03/12/2021 10:36

Not all men are like this, and I do think you (and all of us as mothers) should expect more. Due to attitudes like your parents, and held by many others, men intrinsicly believe that it is ok to be disinterested in their children and leave the affection to "the mother".

My DP absolutely adores our 11 week old and showers him with affection as well as doing a significant amount of the care - the fact his working pattern is very flexible probably helps with this, as he has had a lot of time off with us. I also know men who grudge working because they are desperate to go home and spend time with their newborn baby.

So in summary, no, you are not being a cow.

ancientgran · 03/12/2021 10:42

My husband loves babies, all babies, and they seem to love him. Maybe he's a novelty if lots of men aren't like this.

I had an EMCS with our first and had a general. He went to ward with baby and midwife and helped with her first bath and getting her dressed and then he was left with her to wait for me. Other mothers' on the ward said they'd shed a tear as they watched him sit there holding her and singing her favourite song, he would sing it when I was pregnant and she would respond and he was mesmerised when he saw the raction I had described to him so many times.

Bloody useless with teenagers though.

Original poster

Gah1234 · 03/12/2021 10:44

I wasn't sure if he's actually depressed as he has good reason to be having lost a parent within the year.

I've tried gently suggesting counselling but he's like 'I have nothing to talk to them about'.

OP posts:

Goosesgoose · 03/12/2021 10:57

@Gah1234

I mean if he’s lost a parent he may just be a bit blue over it and genuinely not want to go to counseling or have anything to talk to them about. If he understands how they died, understands he’s upset that they died then from his male POV there probably is nothing more to talk about. Talking things through doesn’t really help most men like it does us.

Just10moreminutesplease · 03/12/2021 11:08

I completely disagree that most men are like this. My DH, dad, and FIL have always wanted to interact with my baby. They were just as interested as my female family members.

My husband did admit to feeling a little worried that he couldn’t do things as well as me because he found it harder to interpret cries etc… but this didn’t stop him being fully hands.

Of my mum friends, only one dad is remotely like this and it’s not uncommon for a dad to take a long lunch to join us at various baby groups.

Please stop excusing men for seeing babies as ‘women’s work’.

Your situation is a little different with your partner’s recent bereavement OP. I’d talk to him and be honest that his lack of interest is worrying you and ask him to see a GP about possible depression.

If his disinterest is unrelated to bereavement, this might give him a kick up the bum too.

Teacaketotty · 03/12/2021 11:14

I also disagree most men are like this, I think we need to raise the bar of what is expected of men sometimes. You say he’s always on his phone or on a game, in my mind that’s not okay - kids are only little once and you don’t get this time back.

Yes you can’t be 100% all the time but my DH adores our DD and often says he misses her after bedtime. He very obviously enjoys being with her and It’s one of the things I love about him most.

It sounds like he only bothers after bedtime to get sex from you which wouldn’t sit right with me.

steppemum · 03/12/2021 15:12

I am really cringing at the 'most men are liek this' comments.

The trouble is that they are sort of right, but it is also due ot our expectation.

Dh is not naturally a baby person. But with his kids, from the beginning, he had to care for them. I think often mothers do a lot of the caring and then wonder why dad is less involved. I fed ds and then handed him over. Dh did nappies, nap time, took him out for a walk, bath time, bed time etc etc.
He was as competant with the baby as I was. That then meant that on eg a Saturday when we were both at home, we would be taking it in turns to do stuff with the baby.

He is still not a baby person. He doesn't goo and cuddle babies liek some people do, but if needed he could babysit a young baby perfectly happily, and would know how to interact with it.

WheelieBinPrincess · 03/12/2021 15:17

@ChrissyPlummer

6 month old isn’t that interesting. Not a parent but when my DN was that age, you couldn’t ‘play’ with her. Like pp said, some men are better when kids become more mobile.

Your own six month old should be pretty interesting.

And no, you wouldn’t suggest a game of monopoly or a turn round the adventure playground with one but you absolutely can interact and have fun with a six month old.

Helpstopthepain · 03/12/2021 15:40

‘ Parents say it's just men, they're mostly like this, but I don't think that's true’

What a load of bollocks! It’s his daughter. Men got away with it in your parents generation because they could.

Have you asked him why he doesn’t interact with her?
You can’t force the relationship but he doesn’t get away with not being available to her because he has a dick.

MistyFrequencies · 03/12/2021 15:44

My husband was brilliant from when the kids were about 1 year old. Before that he was a dick.

Kbyodjs · 03/12/2021 15:47

My DH became much better as our DC got older; when they were babies he struggled to know how to play with them (to be honest me too at times) whereas once they got to the age of 1 he did it much more. He would interact with them when they were younger but I’m not sure if I’d describe him as playing at 6 months

SugarlumpsesBumpses · 03/12/2021 15:54

I'm not sure it is just men, maybe certain men or certain personalities ...

DH is like a big kid here and has been obsessed and equally involved since DD was born. He loves to play with her now she's 15 months and can play, but equally loved to just cuddle her when she was non mobile and look at her.

I on the other hand find the constant play and running about a little boring at times (DH is generally more active than me and loves to move so maybe that's why, I'm trying to be more active now generally to set a good example)

jupitermars1345 · 03/12/2021 15:55

I don't really get ' playing' with babies tbh. I find it hard and boring. Have a almost six month old atm

steppemum · 03/12/2021 15:55

the thing is, it isn't just about 'playing' with them.

It is aboutt having the baby on your lap while you ar ewatching Tv and the other parent is doing something else.
Or being the one to feed, change the nappy or put them down for a nap.

It is about being the parent and looking out for them while the other parent is busy, whether with eg cooking, or out of the house.

jupitermars1345 · 03/12/2021 15:55

On the other hand my other half has always enjoyed playing and interacting with our little ones

ThePoisonousMushroom · 03/12/2021 15:58

Thankfully my DH is nothing like this, but I can’t speak for any other men.
DH used to take over with our babies as soon as he got home from work, as he missed them and wanted to spend time with them. He would play with them/interact with them while I had a bath/exercised etc.

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 03/12/2021 16:00

Definitely not all men are like this - DH was great with DD from birth, loved just sitting cuddling her, did all the nappies, bathtime etc. At 6 months they're definitely old enough to play and interact with, even if that's just singing to them or tickles, waving a toy etc. In fact DH was probably better at all that stuff than I was, I just plonked her on the boob and read my phone for the first few months

Plutonium7000 · 03/12/2021 16:02

I'm not a baby person, I don't know how to interact with them and find them boring. But I bloody made the effort when I had one cos that's the job of a parent. You need to be off your phone when they're around to talk to them, make eye contact and let them see your facial expressions (not all the time of course).

Incidentally my husband is bloody brilliant with babies. Your DH needs to step up whether this means interacting more or addressing his mental health / bereavement.

NewMum0305 · 03/12/2021 16:06

What @Plutonium7000 said. I didn’t enjoy the newborn stage but I bloody interacted with my child as I’m a parent. Dads are parents too - why do they get to clock out until the “fun” stage?

OP, you are completely within your rights to be annoyed.

Receptionclass · 03/12/2021 18:07

It's a complete cop out to say men are useless parents. DP is extremely hands on with DD, has been since birth. I even split my maternity leave with him. She was a proper daddy's girl as a baby/toddler and blatantly preferred him! 🤣

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