6 year old suddenly changed - anxious, unsure and not talking

[Howarewenotthereyet]

Our 6 year old has changed massively in the last couple of weeks. He has gone from a bubbly confident boy into shadow of this. He is anxious; unsure of everything - answers everything I don't know, I might/I think; he laughs and then says I don't know if I meant that, and won't tell us anything - how was football, how was your day, did anyone make you laugh today? He just makes a moaning noise. There is clearly something that is bothering him but he won't say what.

We are not pushing him to talk, telling him we love him (trying to behave the same as we always do), asked him if he's okay as he seems different. But nothing.

He has been to a friends tonight, they've know him for years and they've said he was really quiet and answered don't know to everything.

He has had problems with a boy at school who has told him a very scary story (about something very bad that would happen to my son) this was months back and my son told me and we talked about it. The boy has called him a loser, says that he's annoying, tells him to go away etc. But I thought things had improved.

Earlier in the week the boy (who my son thinks of as a friend as they are in the same group of boys that play together) was behind us on the walk out of school and my son started walking more quickly/rushing me along - he didn't want to talk to the boy.

I have talked to the school once in the past - they noticed no issues between the two boys but said they would monitor, they haven't come back to me. I am speaking to his teacher tomorrow to see if they have noticed the difference and to ask if anything has happened at school.

I'm worried but I don't know what to do. I miss my boy and I am worried about him. I am also trying not to jump to any wild conclusions.

I would pull him out of school until school address the situation seriously. That’s what I would do it if were my son.

I’d ask him if he wanted to leave school and go to a brand new one with new children? If the answer is yes, then there’s your problem, and I’d be pulling him out until it’s resolved.

Thanks I don't know for certain the issue is with this boy. I don't have much to go on from my son.

Doesn’t matter if it’s the boy or not, your narrowing down is this something at home or something at school. For a child to withdraw like that is concerning.

Apologies if this seems stupid, but have you sat him down and asked him? Mummy and daddy can see that something is worrying you. We love you and want to keep you safe. Do you want us to help you with something/has something made you sad? Do you want to tell us/draw it/write it down? It’s our job to help you and keep you safe so if you want to tell us something, we are on your side?

I do agree that it’s concerning. Has he definitely just been between school and home, nowhere else?

Hi OP - sorry to hear. I think you are right to be concerned.

Try to think about all the things that happened around that time (I find it helpful to look at old wattsap/text messages to understand what I was doing) and see if there are any times your son was alone etc that you can find out about. It could be something v innocent, but children magnify things/worry about getting into trouble themselves

also be aware that being asked lots of questions can be scary for a child - not pushing him is the right thing to do, reassure him that he IS a good boy (ie it is who he is not what he does that you are reassuring about) and that you love him etc

Is he your only child? Try to spend more time with him & be extra reassuring (easier when you only have to focus on one child)

I think it is right not to jump to conclusions: I was assaulted as a child (by a stranger, obviously scary for me) but I wouldn't tell a straight story as i was worried about getting into trouble with my parents, i was later questioned about incident by police which also frightened me etc...

I'm not saying anything like that happened to your son, just making the point that what is scray to a child might not be something that scares an adult

Has anything happened in the (wider) family - illness, accident etc? Has he overheard anything that has worried him?

You might find out what is bothering him through play. If you play with him one on one and let him 100% lead the play and follow his lead then whatever is up will likely come up in what he chooses to play.

Ask things like
what is your favourite part of school?
Who is your best friend?

Thanks all. Yes I've asked him directly. He will not talk. It's the Christmas holidays now and he is better, still anxious but better. So I believe it is school. He has been very distant/hesitant around two of his 'friends' recently so we suspect be is being bullied sadly.
Really need him to open up to someone about this though. Any idea who?!

Hi OP - thanks for updating as i had wondered. If it’s bullying at school, could you ask teachers/TAs to pay attention to the dynamic and tell you if they notice anything?

In some ways school is a relief, as it’s possible to get support/change classes if needed etc

Is he doing anything else that gives you any clues? Different behaviour, not sleeping well, strange eating habits?

My daughter has a condition caused pans/pandas which can cause sudden changes in a child, leading to anxiety and mood changes.

It might well be school and other kids in his case but just wanted to mention it as a possibility.

Sorry big delay again. Trying to figure things out still.

Thank you @lizkt I've looked at PANs but it doesn't fit his behaviour. He's been back at school a week or so. Still quite anxious. He's asked us about a friendship dilemma in the form of telling us about two characters. Which we think is the possible bullying. But without context it's hard to know when it's happening and if it's still happening. School have been doing some friendship stuff in phse.

What's concerning is he genuinely doesn't seem to be able to remember things - what he's had for lunch for example. Had a friend to play this evening and the friend commented that my son doesn't seem to be able to remember things at school and often won't answer his friends. Only answering to the teacher.

I'm getting increasingly desperate, as I don't know how to help my son. And he won't talk about whatever is bothering him.

I should also say I have ADHD so we wonder if he is suffering with symptoms. He got a new sibling 11 months ago - could this be a reaction to that?

Any thoughts about what we can try? We are talking to the school still and will ask if they have someone he could talk to.