3yo acting really bizarrely after birth of sibling

[Bananapancakes6]

DS1 is 3y11m. We have just brought home his baby brother, who is now 2weeks old.

So I was prepared for some challenging behaviour - neediness, tantrums, jealousy etc. But the way he is behaving is leaving me stumped at what to do for the best.

Basically he dotes on his brother, loves him to pieces and verbalises this multiple times a day, he also frequently kisses him and rubs his head affectionately (and very gently!) he wants to be involved in absolutely everything to do with the baby, feeding, changing, bathing etc and he's there watching and asking what he can do to help. Don't get me wrong this is lovely but is also a bit intense. He will go to kiss or rub him when he's sleeping and has woken him up countless times. I have to ask him to step back quite often, and leave the baby alone.

Not only this, but he has completely stopped playing independently. He hasn't touched any of his toys since we brought the baby home. All he does is hang around and wait to be helpful! Either that or he moans he "doesn't have anything to do!" Me and DH are mindful of telling him to go play incase this makes it feel like a negative thing to him, but I offer to get toys out for him, or craft bits. All he wants to do is watch TV and eat and help us with the baby and household chores! He asks me constantly when we are having lunch/tea or when we need to feed baby.. he actually cried this evening because I didn't want him to help me with folding washing. Its like he's forgotten how to be a 3 year old. He also won't stay in a separate room from us, he's stuck to us like glue whereas he used to be very independent, happily taking himself upstairs to fetch toys etc.

I really don't know how to handle him and find myself getting very annoyed at him and wanting him to leave me along. Its just very intense and overwhelming.

Any ideas?

He is marking his territory.
My DS was the same when DS2 came along.
DS1 did not want to be left our at any point.
It was partly because it was new and interesting and partly self preservation.
He will soon get bored.
You have 2 children now not 1 which means you cannot have the dedicated newborn time you did with your first.

Sounds like hes figuring out this new setup. I think he needs lots of love, reassurance and time. When you get out toys do you stay and play with him? Fill his cup with play and attention so that he can cope with you going off for 5 minutes to put some washing on. Id also recommend some visual aids so he can see whats happening next.

I could be way off the mark but it sounds like the not wanting to be away from you is quite a typical reaction as he doesn’t want to feel ‘left out’, he probably wants to be as involved as possible as that means some sort of attention is on him. The baby has a lot of attention so being around the baby = attention. Maybe?

Could you get him a little toy cleaning set or a doll etc so he can feed his doll? Maybe you could suggest if he will play with his toys if you play with him as if he will, maybe it’s a sign he just doesn’t want to be alone at the moment. It’s such a big change and he’s probably just trying gauge where his place is in the family again.

I wouldn’t say this is “bizarre” it sounds pretty normal

It will fade when he realises he still has his own place in the family. Are you making a point of doing things he likes to do separately from the baby ?

When mine were this age, DH and I used to take one kid each and then swap at an appropriate interval. It’s over rated to do everything together as a “family”

I can’t comment from experience of having two but I was a similar age when my DSis was born and I remember being very possessive of her and also waking her up (accidentally) from naps because I was just so fascinated by her, I wanted to touch her and play with her. I don’t think that’s so unusual.

All of this is normal, and it won't be a big deal unless you make it one. Allow him to crack on, this stage will fade soon, like all stages do.

Maybe he might benefit from you building his identity back up to more than being a big brother. Eg “you are so good at drawing, could you draw me a picture for the fridge?” “I love the way you play with your cars, that looks really fun.” Etc.

Oh bless him, sounds like he doesn't know what to do with himself now and he wants to shadow you guys till it all feels safe, normal and predictable again. Just go with it, and soon the new baby will not feel so new anymore...

As others have said it will pass.

I'm posting because my Dd was under two when baby arrived last year and I couldn't find anyone who had seen what she was like. So I posted here then. She just ignored her. The baby did not exist. Not at all. She didn't touch her, hold her, acknowledge her, nothing. I read about over affection and aggressive toddlers but nothing about this is not happening.

The only thing that changed was she refused milk and threw up every time reflux baby did. Now baby is toddling and they are between cuddling and fighting. It did pass. But I have zero photos from baby stage of them both.

The baby is the newest attraction and he's probably feeling a bit uncertain from having to share you. I would just let him be involved for now (when it's safe!). Maybe get him a doll and accessories so he can 'play' at looking after his 'baby' while you're looking after the baby.

The other thing you could do is start playing with his toys yourself whenever you get a chance (which won't be often atm!). So start doing some drawing or play doh, build a duplo tower. He'll soon come and join in because, let's face it, actually playing with mummy is more interesting than a baby doing nothing. You can then try to back away slowly when he's engrossed.

Honestly sounds like a great reaction compared to my DC’s nanny share friend who is about to get a sibling. He’s reacted to his mum being extra tired by telling our wonderful nanny he hates her all time, hitting my DC & telling her she smells like poop/is on fire etc all the time!!

I was 4 years older than my brother and apparently I refused to leave the house for like 3 months in case he got attention. It seems like letting him be included if he wants, setting clear boundaries around baby sleeping etc is great. DD also loves folding laundry, washing windows, putting away cutlery etc, she just wants to be included I think. We encourage her to be part of keeping the household as much as she wants but as soon as she’s ready to move on we just say ok and she goes to play!

That's really sweet. How lovely that he wants to be involved. Get him a baby doll with a bottle etc. It's what you'd do for a DD.