Aibu to feel my family would be better off without me

[Noln]

Especially my eldest DS who is 6.

I know the mum I want to be. The mum I actually am is irritable, frustrated, critical. Always cross and whining and lecturing him. Then being all loving other times to try and make up for it and to assuage my own guilt. I make constant promises to myself to just be fucking nicer and then I'm not. I see my DH be so patient and kind even when he's clearly being pushed, and I just can't do it I fly off the handle.

If I feel like I'm constantly going on at him, how must he feel? My sweet, sensitive little boy who is now worried about getting things wrong and it's all because of me. And I can't get a grip on it. And to make it even worse my job is fucking offering parenting advice. And I'm pretty good at it because I know the theory I just can't fucking apply it in my own life so I feel a constant hypocrite. And because I know a lot about it I know all the ways I am probably fucking him up. Sometimes I think I'm too hyper aware and maybe need a different job then I think that would actually be so I'm not constantly reminded of my shittiness and I deserve to be reminded.

My childhood was less than perfect and I so wanted to be different to my mum, and I am different (apart from in a couple of ways), but no less shit. And in trying to give my DCs something more I've turned into this horrible ball of miserable stress.

I'm so unhappy, I get a week or two of feeling normal then I'm sad again, and then more impatient. I have beautiful healthy kids, and just about enough money to pay the bills and do bits and pieces with them, and a flexible job, and a lovely husband, and I'm just miserable and ungrateful for all that I have.

As for my husband I have no sex drive and don't want to do anything and because the DCs often wake up still he tends to sleep in the other room and I am just trudging through each day and basically half the time blaming the DCs for making it harder by being messy, leaving stuff laying around, you know, BEING KIDS.

I know they love me and need me but I think overall, long term, they don't need this in their little lives

I’m so sorry you feel like this Noln. You sound like you’re having a tough time. Please don’t think that they’d be better off without you - you sound like a living mum who is trying her best and they would be so sad and traumatised if anything happened to you. Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life? Would it be financially possible to see a therapist? Sending you hugs from one mum to another.

PS I saw the following expression today and it resonated:
“This is just a chapter and I am the author”

*loving mum

They wouldn’t be better off without you
It did make me laugh, the bit where you say your job is offering parenting advice. My job was teaching the bad lads. I could handle 20 odd stroppy teenagers. I really struggle with my four year old at times.
What has helped me

1. lower my expectations. That often means cooking easier meals so there’s a bit more time in the evenings. I don’t change the beds every week and numerous other things It just makes it all a little less hectic
2. can’t do it all and I must accept it Now it’s winter there’s more CBeebies and staying home and playing at the weekends. Everyone’s tired and we can go out more in the spring, we don’t have to do everything Christmassy this year. I struggled with this one last year.
3. Organisation. Almost everything is done way before the deadline eg Christmas jumper is bought in October. Christmas present shopping done by beginning of November. Cards written first week in December. And on it goes. If something unexpected crops up or I’m ill or tired I can take it a bit easy and recover faster. I used to be shit at organisation
4. try and do something for yourself even just a walk or read for a bit just to get some headspace

Is there anyway you can get a bit more sleep? Could they or you sleep over at grandmas? It’s amazing what a few extra hours sleep does for the patience levels

There will be good and bad weeks/days.

They definitely need you in their little lives and I am sure they love you very much, equally I am sure from your thoughtful approach to parenting that there is a lot of positive stuff that you have not mentioned here. Your frustration comes across so clearly in your post and I wonder if you are stretching yourself too thinly somehow - its a cliche but do you need to/ is there a way to refill your own cup a bit more here so you are not so on edge?
I can imagine being a parenting expert puts a lot of pressure on your family!! I am sure you would not tell another parent that their family issues were all due to their “shittiness” and you don’t deserve that either! You are trying really hard to to rewrite the scripts from your own childhood and that is exhausting.
I have no advice but you sound so hard on yourself - in my experience things won’t change if you continue down that route. I have found Anna Mathur really helpful in improving my parenting by making sure I am ok - may be a bit of a basic suggestion given your profession though.
OP it is hard.

You sound depressed. Can you go and talk to your dr?

Noone is a perfect parent. You just need to be good enough.
Have you told your dh how you feel? You need to be sleeping in the same bed as him. You need the intimacy and closeness and cuddling.

You sound depressed and anxious. Can you speak to your GP?

The main thing they need in their lives is YOU. Be kind to yourself and understand that you will never be perfect or probably even very good. It doesn’t matter because you are you and you are THERE, which is all your children need

This may sound silly but when i am really struggling i make believe that i am being filmed, like for a reality tv show or similar so i have to be on my best behaviour. I force myself to be patient and charming for 'my audience'. Next time you feel like screaming you could imagine that you are making a promotional video for struggling parents, so you have to do everything perfectly. Fake it till you make it as they say. I do think you are being hard on yourself though, and it sounds like you have very little joy in your life. Do you get any time to yourself, can you pursue an interest or hobby? You say you have a lovely husband, can you go and have some fun together, just the two of you?

Thank you for being kind. Not deserved. I didn't word my job very well - I'm certainly no expert! I support foster carers to parent children in care, so spend a lot of time talking about connection, playfulness, choosing your battles etc. All the things I'm rubbish at! I sometimes work directly with children too, where I'm relaxed and fun and have plenty of time for them. It's a joke.

I picked DS a little while ago and said "I really do love you" and he said "do you" which he's never said before and I asked if there were things I sometimes did he would like me to change and he said when you shout and when you rush us.

I just feel like I don't have the energy to even pretend or go through the motions. The idea of an audience is a good idea. Sometimes other people, eg MIL or older family friends, say I'm a good mum (I don't ask!) but obviously I'm doing my best parenting in front of them!! It's not the parent I really am!! So maybe I just need to pretend they are always there. I'm just a hypocritical fraud otherwise.

A night away would be good. But on my own I think. If I go with DH the expectation is physical intimacy and right now that feels like just meeting someone's elses need and not a real break. I'm aware that's not very nice.

You’ve got great self-awareness - that’s half the battle.

They definitely wouldn’t be better of with out you! We all have moments where we’re not the parents we wish we could be. It sounds like your experiencing a lot of stress but I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think.

I read a book by Phillipa Perry called something like the book you wish your parents had read. Not all of it is super practical but it talks about the first thing you have to do is understand why you behave the way you do so you can break the cycle (often caused by our own childhood). Could you see a therapist or try an app (there is a newish one based on CBT which is supposed to be good)?

Honestly you sound unwell, get some help, whatever it takes. You're worth it.