Shared parenting relationship with kids

[Izbizbiz]

Hi, this is very difficult to talk about so please be kind.

My ex and I have 2 kids, 11&7.
They are resident with me 11/14 days and have contact with their dad the other 3 nights.

It’s been a really long road which included alienation and criminal stuff that has left scars. Last year, I was awarded residency and the lions share of time due to damaging behaviour on dads side. I won’t go into it all but it’s been really unsettling and upsetting for everyone.
We are working with a professional and that seems to be working.

Thing is, I’ve been so focused on enforcing the court order, fulfilling my legal responsibility and following rules that we have definitely been in survival mode for so long.

I don’t feel close to my kids anymore 😔
There were some truly awful things said by their family about me which were proven to be lies and the kids believed and repeated them towards me. We are trying to rebuild that relationship and I love them with my entire being but I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore.

My ability to parent was undermined and I’m still constantly having to defend of justify my actions. Even organising a dentist appointment is questioned by my kids as though they know their needs better than me. Sounds stupid but they will say things like - do you think dad will be having we are missing 15 minutes of school to go to the dentist?

It’s really difficult.

Anyway, my main thing is that I just kind of exist around them now. Today at a family party, I realised I didn’t really feel responsible for them anymore. Like I didn’t automatically consider what they would eat or what they needed. I got up and sorted myself then I remembered they were there 😔
It’s really shaken me because I genuinely didn’t spend a night away from them in 8 years before we split up and I lived their every breath and met every one of their needs.
I’m wondering how much of this might naturally happen with their growing age and independence, if it’s a product of having lone time or if it’s completely different and I’m no longer being their mum at all 😔

I do school run, clubs, food, homework, have our home for them, all of the household chores and shopping so I’m doing all of those things and I do feel like I’m meeting those needs but I just feel removed 😔

Almost a numb feeling of forgetting about them 😔

It’s the worst feeling ever

Can anyone relate?

You sound traumatised to me. Honestly, the fact that you're writing this shows how much you do think of/ love/ consider your kids.

I'm separated from my dc's dad & I do feel something of a distance, but only temporarily, when they return to me from being with him.

I'd suggest showing them signs of love lots. Little notes in their lunchboxes, trips together, 1:1 time.

Do you tell them you love them often?
Reassure them that you're the adult here & you know what's best. Try looking into mirror & telling yourself that too, everyday.

💐 sounds like you've all had a really tough time. It's natural that you will all have healing to do & self confidence to build back up.

I tell them I love them so much. I feel over stimulated with them at times but I try to touch them all the time, probably too much. They hold me a lot too.
I feel like I show them a lot, I write them notes every day and draw them pictures

To be honest, I feel like they don’t feel connected to me 😔

I know the love is there but not the connection

I’ve had EMDR treatment because I have trauma so maybe it is that too 😔

Post 4 year awful custody battle my GP told me I had ptsd like symptoms. I was under 7 stone and had malnutrition..
Took me years to rebuild my relationship with my dc after exh had done his stuff. Sadly the oldest dc was too far out of reach. In his eyes I am everything his df said I was.
The other 2 are nc with exh. They saw through his lies.
11 years on now seems like remembering some one else's story.

If you don’t mind me asking, how did you rebuild ur relationship and what age was ur eldest when you thought he was too far gone? 😔
I’m really sorry we have this in common x

Dc were 3, 5 and 7 when we split. Oldest once told me he knew his df hated me more than he loved him.. I remarried and had more dc... When the older ones came we had Grown Up Suppers without small people distracting. Made sure I did school runs and pick ups-with cd's and sing-a - longs! Paid attention to their /likes /dislikes-had their friends round - every little detail I knew seemed so important. Exh had denied me so much time with them despite apparent 50/50.. Told school I was dead in a bid to remove me from their lives. We had days out and bbqs. Every contact time became a memory. The ones with me are 20 and 17. We have great relationships.. You wil bounce back on time op. Make sure you look after yourself when they aren't with you. Easy to neglect your self care when your self worth is shot...

Thank you x

@Izbizbiz you sound like you're doing so much for them & that with time the wounds will heal.

Would you be able to try occasional bed sharing if not already? Others May say it's a terrible idea, I find when my dc need to feel connected to me it's a simple way to reassure & show them I'm there.

My youngest comes into my bed every morning really early which I welcome. My eldest asks me to lay with her until she falls asleep sometimes which I do happily.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s undermining my parenting though 🙈
We always had defined bedtimes back in the day. If they were ill, I’d sleep on their floor rather than in beside me because dad didn’t want disturbed 🙈
I wonder if it’s a way of proving I’m a soft touch. Which I definitely am btw 🙈🤣 but it’s a definite movement in our own parenting boundaries but I do think the closeness outweighs that

I think you're doing all the right things to show them your consistent love & care. That's what you all need, rather than following traditional parenting rules too closely (ie not bed sharing!). If they are asking for you to be physically close to them, then it shows you make them feel safe after a tricky time.
Ill embrace it with my dc for as long as they need ☺️

Thank you x