Is what he said wrong?

[itscomplicatedlife]

Firstly apologies if I'm being completly naive here hence asking for others opinion. Yest DH brought up discussion about lack of sex due to me mostly being so shattered for well over 18 mths as our 2.4 yo dd wasn't a great sleeper I said it's tough as I just still feel like I want to get in to bed and go to sleep I'm still recovering, I did the lions share of all get ups and it made me quite unwell esp after returning to work FT after going through it still, have gone PT a couple of months ago as I was exhausted. I said it's also difficult as she goes to bed around 8 so after tidying up etc I'm ready for bed soon after then and he said yeah I hate them! I let it hang for quite a long minute and he just sat facing the other way in silence! I was shocked and thought I won't say anything but is that kind of like almost saying he hates her as well?

Recap, we've been together a long time, when I think back he never rarely discussed kids it was always me bringing it up, not all the time but he always said he wanted them but has now also told me he is not interested at all in having another which is fine that's his decision but im gutted i always wanted 2 and as his family have also not bothered with her which was a surprise he has a big family and it's like they just disappeared it is bizarre! it feels like I've lost half the family and mine is also only small and I lost my mum just wks after she was born! I make huge effort arranging many social things for my daughter and love it. Also mention we didn't get on a lot through mat leave it's such a shame I just can't believe this has and is turned out like this! I don't know what to think about him and us. I see other families on my Fb with their kids right now and think surely I should be seeing something very obvious here. He was never hugely in fo the pregnancy he isn't the interested in the bump sort of guy and when she was born he would never just take her and pick her up because he really wanted to I look back and realise I just took the lead on it all he just wasn't forthcoming like I see some dads who adore their kids and when he did take more interest my daughter repelled him for a while crying as I think that should have been happening from the start! I don't know what to think, what do this all say to you?

I will try to reply as best I can to individual responses and apols if they are late I will get back soon as I can, thank you

It's so confusing, he's just come in whilst getting her ready saying how much he loves her. Is he just struggling with family life as life has changed to how it was...such a shame as I love how things are now but is it easier as she's a girl and I'm a woman so it's comes more naturally

. I said it's also difficult as she goes to bed around 8 so after tidying up etc I'm ready for bed soon after then and he said yeah I hate them! I let it hang for quite a long minute and he just sat facing the other way in silence! I was shocked and thought I won't say anything but is that kind of like almost saying he hates her as well?

Huh?

I'm confused - your DH expressed he was unhappy with your lack of sex life and now that means he hates your DD?

What does "them" refer to? Bed times? I dislike many things about child rearing (lack of sleep, meal times, even bed time struggles) and might say that I hate bedtime. I love my kids to pieces though and don't really mind the annoying bits very much inspite of what I might say. I don't think these two things are related so don't go by that.

About the other stuff I'm not sure. It must be very difficult for you with the lack of support. Maybe he is genuinely not interested or maybe he doesn't know what to do or even that there is more to do. Could you just ask him?

He was annoyed as I'm always tired if said this is the thing in the evening with kids you can't always gauge what time they will go to bed and this one is one that likes a later bedtime and he said yeah I hate them.

At 2.4 you should have a established a pretty decent routine for bedtimes with your child. Of course there will be days they don't sleep when expected, but this shouldn't be hugely impacting your sex life. The other aspects you need to sit him down and discuss why you're so tired, and that he isn't pulling his weight. If he genuinely hates your child or having a child then you need to leave him.

I think this guy needs a reality check or kick up the arse. You sound understandably exhausted and lonely and he sounds pathetic.

What's he doing while you do bedtime?

Could you makes time to be a couple? Sounds like he feels left out. Childish but common. He came in and said he loved her. But he’s struggling with lack of intimacy. It’s good you went pt. Could you get more help? Childcare? Baby sitter and do something romantic together? Good luck.

She's always been a bit of a rubbish sleeper, she's got better but only recently about 6 months ago but I've got cfs i was drained and very likely covid from when she was 6mo as I was very lll (just before testing - but dr is sure this is my issue so that plus months of bad sleep killed me)

He won't have sitters he doesn't like the idea of her being with anyone he doesn't know same goes for sleepovers he doesn't like the idea of those either. He sits with us both at the bedtime routine and is usually falling asleep himself by 8!! As he has a really demanding job and has taken on a university course as well in to mat leave which I said wasn't a good idea!!! Just feels like I have no flex with him. My friends think he's awkward re the sitters and sleepovers as most people don't have an issue which is right!!

I partly get the sitter thing but partly don't, we have many well reviewed and qualified sitters locally. She is also quite shy and he worried she will feel uncomfortable too but she's got to surely get in the swing of this sort of thing to get used to it at all. He's mainly concerned about the fact it is just her with someone he doesn't know but so many people use the same couple of sitters locally and say they're brilliant but he won't discuss

Why the duck isn't he tidying up while you're doing bedtime? And he doesn't like sitters?! Oh bless him. Kick up the arse time!

@Blueuggboots he does do the dishes and tidy up the kitchen once she's gone to sleep, I do the dinner for us all, sort her clothes for the next day, we do her bath together or I do then we take turns walking the dog when she's gone to bed, he mostly walks the dog so that is all fine but it's prob my tiredness which is the issue but then he's falling asleep himself around her bedtime too. I think also my issue is the arguing that ensued over mat leave and some times since has kind of put me off him somewhat and issues re sitters and an issue with nursery on mat leave I wanted to put her in a day a wk as I was shattered as we get no help but he wouldn't agree to it. She used to cry a lot so it was hard plus after I got ill with the likely covid I was just finding it so hard to get through the day. My friend thinks he should have agreed to use the nursery, he didn't want to because of the viruses and bugs, he thohhht it would make it worse! But it was the break I needed just for a day to get my head clear to get through the wk as I was also being woken repeatedly for months

Thé ‘DC should be sleeping by now = you’re a crap parent if they’re not = yes it’s you’re fault there isn’t much sex’

Is a horrible, misogynistic take.

First. Kids vary, some sleep better than others and that can go on until they’re five or older. Don’t shame parents (mums) over this. Sure YOURS. Slept well after 6 months or whatever. Lucky you. Doesn’t make you a better parent / person.
That said, might be worth looking at dcs sleep, or maybe could be improved. Try Ann at nurturing sleep (Google her) she was a game changer for us.

Second. Does your partner do much / any hands on parenting? Sounds like he needs to get much more involved, with your DC and domestic stuff. It’s not your job to do all kid and domestic stuff so we’ll you’re ALSO up for hot sex. If he did more maybe you’d be less knackered and more in the mood. My DH is more involved than yours sounds and has always doted on the kids, and I still have to remind him of this from time to time.

Until your partner is doing his fair share at home and making sure you get a break and time to yourself he can’t complain about lack of sex.

And yes, it won’t be easy. He has to put in the time to build a relationship with DC and wear her rejection. If he’s not been much involved so far DC may well not like spending more time with him as first. He needs to be humble and make the effort to win her over.

Sounds to me like he wants you to do all the donkey work for dc and doesn’t know how exhausting it all is. And doesn’t care. As long as you do it then it’s fine. Like he thinks you were the one who wanted a baby and you should be doing it all.

It’s true that you will all get bugs going when dc go to nursery. But you will get that anyway when she goes to primary school! When they mix their immune system learns.

You need to talk. You need to get a proper rota drawn up that takes all work and study into consideration. Add childcare into the mix to ensure that’s evenly split too. He needs to take his turn AT EVERY aspect of childcare and then he will be a better dad. He can’t just pick and choose. He IS a dad, whether he likes it or not, and that comes with expectations.

It’s only when he does his share and is as knackered as you that he will realise a locally trusted and well reviewed sitter would be a great idea now and again.

@Catsstillrock Thank you for such wise advice!! I totally agree with all you said! Thank you so much for taking the time to reply it's much appreciated! 💗 She was such a clingy baby, I still have issues getting her to just go to bed before she goes to sleep but She does at least for last 6 months mostly sleep through which has been a huge relief it's nice to finally have recovery time. He doesn't get how bloody hard all those nights of constant broken sleep were it was abs torture x x x

@Elieza Yes! It does seem like this to me also!! We did have a rota, my idea which I had to write up after issues with what was fair so we talked and I drew it up, def helped a lot!I also devised a nights rota when I returned to work Ft so it was fair but then I ended up slipping in to doing most of the nts again. If he did what I had to go through it was torture he'd soon have realised! Thank you much appreciated! X x x