Brutally honest 3 year old.

[pompomsgalore]

DD is 3 almost 4.

98% of the time she's happy, chatty, funny, bright, engaged, busy.

The rest of time she's full of tantrums, tiredness, bossiness, anger. So pretty standard for her age.

But she's brutally honest and when challenged can back it up. It's a particular issue with grandparents and whenever she sees them she runs from the room and says she doesn't like them.

I've explained it's hurtful and upsetting but she says she wants to upset them. We've talked about words hurting people and being kind but she's adamant she wants to upset people.

Not sure how to handle it.

Why doesn’t she like them?

I don't know why she says it. If I ask her why she doesn't like them she'll say "I just don't". She can't or won't elaborate. I don't fully know if she actually doesn't like them or if she's lashing out and being shy.

After some angry time she'll come round and she'll become chatty and settle down.

Perhaps ‘I don’t like them’ really means ‘I feel a bit shy and unsure around these people until I’ve had a chance to get used to them again’ - young children can find it hard to articulate their feelings.

I’m wary of ‘be kind’ especially when it’s said to girls, she’s allowed to have the feelings the she has. Obviously full on rudeness is not to be encouraged but it sounds like something she’ll grow out of.

Yes you are right about the be kind message. I actually have said it's ok not to like someone or something but let's see if we can say it in a different way or just whisper it to me.

She also does it with school friends and tells their parents how much she doesn't like their children and why.

My eldest is the same age and avoids interacting with one set of their grandparents and says I don't like them. Do they see her much? Visits from ours are few and far between so I think a lack of relationship is to blame in our camp

Is she just overwhelmed or doing it for attention? What happens if you just ignore the behaviour and do something fun with the grandparents? Will she eventually come and join in? Children don't like to be away from the action for very long.

@HappyMeal564 there is a lack of a relationship to some degree. She sees the one set quite regularly but I wouldn't say they particularly bother with her.

@Gliderx yes I think she is overwhelmed and saying it for something to say. I need to give her something else to say instead.

I think you have to think through every aspect of their visits (or your visits to them) and see what she might not like and then try and manage that.
Is she expected to behave differently in their presence? Dress differently? Eat "different" food? Does she have toys to play with when she's with them? Are you relaxed around them or can she see that you're on edge? Do they smell? Do they have "scratchy faces"? Do they turn up, make a superficial fuss of her and then ignore her?
I think at her age they can be very perceptive and haven't learned social niceties such as a white lie. It can also be disconcerting to be expected to be nice to someone when you can't see a rational reason why you should.
With my youngest in particular, over the years we've gone from similar to chats about relatives coming over, yes they do [behaviour] and it's a bit odd but they also do [other behaviours] which are kind to him intentionally standing behind them so he can catch my eye and roll his eyes.

Now that you've mentioned doing it to school friends, clearly thus is a bigger issue and needs addressing, nipping in the bud immediately because it's rude and not actually necessary to say. That skill of learning you don't / can't say everything you think normally comes later for older children, but unfortunately I think you are going to have to sit her down and tell her so now.

Very calmly ask her if she really feels that way, say you suspect she doesn't and it could be because she's shy or could be this reason for that reason make suggestions to her what it could be instead? But secondly, gently point out to her then a this has to stop because it's very rude and hurtful.

I think going down the route of 'you don't need to say everything that comes into your head out loud' is a good plan.

I know a few adults who could do with that talk too.

We've had a brief chat this morning about it and she said she doesn't like their faces and she doesn't want to play with them. So obviously I've said they don't need to play together if she doesn't want to. I think she does want to but not the minute they walk in the door.

As for school peers, there are just people she doesn't like and doesn't want to be friends with. But again she doesn't need to say that out loud. I don't want us to be social outcasts!

I think just ignoring her when the grandparents come and encouraging them not to make her the centre of attention might work. She can then join in when she feels ready.

For the school friends, she can play with whoever she likes so that's fine, but what is not fine is loudly being hurtful about it. So I'd just tell her she can choose who she likes but there's no need for her to tell people (or their parents!) why she doesn't like them. Having said that, I'd hope the parents have more sense than to take it too seriously and hold it against her given she's 3 and it's probably just a stage!

It's so hard isn't it. The sets of grandparents that don't bother with ours get very similar treatment, the one set that do get a loving child that adores being with them. Maybe find a thing for them to do, bake some cakes for them to show and offer round? You have my sympathy, it's tough.