First time mum and not coping

[ireallydonotknow]

I've really struggled to write this so please be gentle with me. I'm a first time mum to an almost 4 month old baby. We tried for a baby for over two years and all I ever wanted for so long was to be a mum. I still do, and I love that I'm a mum and I adore my baby except I'm finding it increasingly difficult. I have a long history of anxiety and depression and it seems to just be getting so much worse. I had a really, really traumatic birth and little support emotionally or physically afterward.
I desperately wanted to breastfeed but ended up fully formula feeding because it was too much for my body while I was healing. I have absolutely nothing against formula feeding but I regret it so so much and just feel so guilty for it and I don't know why but I just can't seem to get past it. What makes it worse is that he's always really struggled with bottles and I've tried so many different bottles/teats/formulas and he was always gassy and in pain. Newborn teats are too fast for him and I've never been able to find one that suits him so every time I feed him I have awful guilt about not breastfeeding him. I've spend hundreds on different things to help him but nothing has worked and I feel helpless and know that it's my fault.
I don't have anyone in real life that I can talk to and feel really alone. Since my baby was born he's never slept long stretches, it was always a maximum of two hours but now at 4 months old he sleeps an hour/two max stretches at night and daytime naps are a serious struggle, he takes well over an hour to put down and most of the time only sleeps for a maximum of 10 minutes at a time, so I feel like all day I'm just struggling to get him to sleep. I'm so tired. During awake times he's always upset because he's so overtired and most of the day I'm just crying because I feel like he deserves someone better and I constantly feel like I've failed him with every single thing already. I'm scared I can't cope much longer and that I'm going to break down. I genuinely feel like such an awful mum.

Do you have a partner?

@RedWingBoots I do but he hasn't been very supportive and I don't think he really understands how I'm feeling despite trying to talk to him about it.

I’m sorry you’re struggling. If it helps I found 4 months insanely difficult and it was definitely my lowest point. I ended up bedsharing to get any amount of rest. It does get better though.
I’m sorry bf didn’t work out, Amy Brown has a book about breastfeeding grief which you might find helpful to validate some of your feelings.

For naps will he contact nap or sleep in the pram?

Does your partner look after the baby for half a day on the weekend/days he is not working?

Oh goodness. I couldn't read and not reply. The thing is, formula, first and foremost, is a medicine - invented to save the lives of babies who, for whatever reason, couldn't get enough breastmilk. Maybe baby couldn't latch, maybe mum died in childbirth, maybe her milk never came through. Maybe, like you, mum had such a traumatic birth that her body couldnt manage to breastfeed. Nowadays formula is also a choice, and thank goodness for that - not knocking formula at all! It sounds to me like when your little one was even littler you made the most sensible decision to prioritise your recovery because babies need a mum more than they need breastmilk. Unfortunately, you have a baby who is gassy, but honestly had breastfeeding been possible for you, you could still have had a gassy baby, or a baby with a milk protein allergy, or whatever it is that's upsetting your little one. It's just that because you are feeling low and being so hard on yourself, your mind is finding a way to blame you for your baby's troubles. You can't split your baby in half and give one half formula and one half breastfeed so you have no way of knowing that it's actually the bottles causing this. Please, please go back to that first excellent decision that your baby needs you more than he needs breastfeed milk and prioritise your own recovery. That involves talking to your doctor about these thoughts and feelings and getting some help to balance them a bit. For me that was a tiny dose of anti depressant and a list of thought challenges that I read to myself every time I fed my baby. It might also involve letting someone else have a go with taking responsibility for his sleep for a little while so that you can rest. A big chunk of this is probably sleep deprivation.

@SamanthaVimes thank you I'll take a look. I can get 30 minute naps if he's on me but it's still a struggle to get him to sleep.
@RedWingBoots baby won't settle with him at all so I have to do all the naps etc. He'll do little bits but he ends up distracted on his phone/tv etc and I end up looking after him still.

Hi, congrats on your new baby. You have to remember it does get easier. Which bottles do you use? I use mam and they have different newborn size teats 0 being the smallest, my baby used size 1 from birth as it was the standard size with bottle starter kit. maybe have a look if you can find smaller teats for the bottles you use? My baby also struggled with daytime naps, have you tried a sling? I have a 'freerider' brand and he loved a nap in it. Is there any baby groups you can join? Baby massage is good.
You will get through this

So sorry you're struggling. I found 4 months so so hard. It felt like the newborn phase was over and things should get easier but it just got harder. My only advice is seek professional help for your anxiety and try to take the pressure off your parenting. You're doing an amazing job and giving your baby everything they need. The 4 month sleep regression is awful so if you can safely bedshare it helps. Also stop trying to 'put down' for naps, just hold them while they sleep and relax / watch tv / read a book. It does get easier I promise.

Sorry you’re having a hard time. I found 4 months very hard too, especially for sleep, and also ended up bed sharing to get through. Breastfeeding grief is very real and I think many people don’t understand just how much it can affect us. I second the book recommendation on breastfeeding grief. Waking up frequently and fighting naps is very normal at this age so you’re not doing anything wrong. Mine would never sleep for long in the pram/cot but slept for ages on me, have you tried contact naps? Can your partner take the baby on days off so you can get some rest?

4 months was the hardest for me! Amy Brown's book about breastfeeding grief and trauma is good. also milk feeding (breast or formula) is such a big thing in the first 6 months but then you start weaning onto food and it seems to become/feel less important. I dont mean this to invalidate your feelings, but hopefully help you see that it won't always feel so important.

Congratulations on your new baby. FWIW i found the first year and GCSE year the toughest in my life. I didn't have PND but the first year was just a haze of anxiety, sleeplessness and the most horrendous intrusive thoughts. I also had to give up breastfeeding sooner than I wanted to and it broke my heart but we both thrived after a bottle routine had been established. I had more energy and my son settled better.

Having children is a lesson in doing what works rather than what you think you should be doing. Also use all the support you can, family, in laws, health visitor mums groups. Don't be too proud to ask for help, its the biggest change in your life and they don't come with an instruction manual.

Don't be hard on yourself, it does get easier

30 minute naps were the best I got until about 9 months, I had to do contact naps to get them but because they were short I didn’t mind too much and appreciated the opportunity to sit down!
I think at 4 months DD needed 4 x 30 mins to be tolerable to be around.

It does get better though, and you don’t have to do anything, it’s just as they develop. DD is 16 months now and on one nap a day that is between 1.5 and 2 hours and generally easy to get her to take.

At 4 months she was a huge struggle but she really is a joy now.

Has your baby been checked for tongue tie? Even a slight tie can affect feeding.

Four months can be very awkward. Do you go for walks with the pram no matter what the weather? Being outdoors exercising will do you good, in turn baby. Send your partner out every weekend morning with the pram to give you a break - not housework. As a bottlefed baby he can do the night waking/feeding on Friday and Saturday if he still wants to be fresh for work - as a minimum. He could also do the feeds between 8 pm and midnight most evenings to give you a four hour stretch, and do some cooking. During the day eat several times, microwave scrambled egg, slice of cheese with a tomato, a banana. Keep calling him “dad” when you hand him the baby; sounds like he needs a little reminding. Could you go to a Pilates class one evening?
Finally speak to your health visitor and GP. Early intervention is good when there are problems.
I wish you the best of luck and remember to play your own cheerful music. Baby can’t choose the playlist yet.

4 months was such a hard time for me.
DS's sleep was similarly terrible and I think this was the hardest part as you wake up every day with zero charge on your batteries.
Have you considered CMPA? My DS had it terribly and it really affected his sleep. He also had eczema and constant diarrhoea; 12 very loose nappies a day.
Try to do what you can to make your life a little easier as it's hard to look after yourself on poor sleep, let alone a tiny human.
Consider a cleaner if you can afford it for an hour or two a week, easy to cook / ready meals, a nice thermos so you always have a hot cuppa to hand.
Have a nap whenever you can, either when your partner is home or your little one naps.
I found it got much better when DS was moving and reacting more and developing a little personality. 4 months is all take and no give.
This too shall pass x

You have not failed him but others have failed to support you. You need more support now and needed it after the birth.

There is no well proven long-term difference between the health of breastfed and formula fed children. Also my first struggled badly with gas, reflux and colic for months and was exclusively breastfed. My second had none of those issues early on but solids have given her stomach trouble.

Your partner needs to give you a break to get some sleep. Speak to your health visitor - they might recommend some sleep training.

Also babies are difficult - I find toddlers much much easier and it gets even better after that.

@ireallydonotknow

I've really struggled to write this so please be gentle with me. I'm a first time mum to an almost 4 month old baby. We tried for a baby for over two years and all I ever wanted for so long was to be a mum. I still do, and I love that I'm a mum and I adore my baby except I'm finding it increasingly difficult. I have a long history of anxiety and depression and it seems to just be getting so much worse. I had a really, really traumatic birth and little support emotionally or physically afterward. I desperately wanted to breastfeed but ended up fully formula feeding because it was too much for my body while I was healing. I have absolutely nothing against formula feeding but I regret it so so much and just feel so guilty for it and I don't know why but I just can't seem to get past it. What makes it worse is that he's always really struggled with bottles and I've tried so many different bottles/teats/formulas and he was always gassy and in pain. Newborn teats are too fast for him and I've never been able to find one that suits him so every time I feed him I have awful guilt about not breastfeeding him. I've spend hundreds on different things to help him but nothing has worked and I feel helpless and know that it's my fault. I don't have anyone in real life that I can talk to and feel really alone. Since my baby was born he's never slept long stretches, it was always a maximum of two hours but now at 4 months old he sleeps an hour/two max stretches at night and daytime naps are a serious struggle, he takes well over an hour to put down and most of the time only sleeps for a maximum of 10 minutes at a time, so I feel like all day I'm just struggling to get him to sleep. I'm so tired. During awake times he's always upset because he's so overtired and most of the day I'm just crying because I feel like he deserves someone better and I constantly feel like I've failed him with every single thing already. I'm scared I can't cope much longer and that I'm going to break down. I genuinely feel like such an awful mum.

I'm sure you're doing a great job. Better than you think! I found 'The Gentle Sleep Book' really helpful. You might want to check that out. Everything gets a little bit easier when they start sleeping for a bit longer. Keep your chin up Mum, be kind to yourself

I felt I was in a túnel until DS started sleeping though at 5m. As you, I felt bad about not being able to continue breastfeeding (I did really tried everything to no avail) and it was very difficult to find the right formula, I really didn’t enjoy the first few months at all.

But nothing lasts forever, eventually things got better and then the magic started. So hang in there, it will be better but talk to your HV/GP/supportive friends to find the support you need and also, take your baby for a check just in case he has reflux or an intolerance that is making it a bit difficult to digest their formula/food or settle.

I couldn't not reply.

I too had a traumatic birth and couldn't breastfeed, I didn't produce any milk and my baby didnt/ wouldn't latch - there was no support on offer really and I ended up formula feeding. It was the hardest part for me, I can still cry sometimes thinking about it. But my dd is 16 months now, she has THRIVED on formula, our bond is incredible and honestly it doesn't matter half as much as I thought it did, and I guess as time goes on it will end up not mastering at all. That's absolutely not to minimise what you're feeling, breastfeeding grief is a real thing and you are not alone feeling it. But none of it is your fault, the fault is with those who failed to support you.

Your partner really needs to step up. Its not good enough for him to get distracted or say well baby won't settle for him, he needs to start supporting you however he can and absolutely doing more to ensure you get a break and the chance to sleep.

I joined a postnatal depression group near me, I googled pnd+ my local area and this is what came up. It was mostly just other mums supporting each other in a WhatsApp group when I joined, as it was lockdown, but meetups have started again now. I urge you to look into what support is in your area - I volunteer for our group now and will gladly add you to the WhatsApp chat if you want to PM me. I'm not diagnosing you - the diagnosis almost doesn't matter - you're a new mum who is struggling and sometimes.its helpful to speak to others in a similar situation. You could also try PANDAS foundation.

I would also urge you to try your GP or HV.

It gets easier it really does. You are doing a great job and you are entitled to support x

Around 3-4 months was a really difficult age for me too.. definitely harder than the newborn stage.. they're so alert and start to notice everything yet still need so much sleep during the day which is hard when they're so distracted by everything! My boy is 5 months now and although he's still only having 30 minute naps, it has got slightly easier and hopefully will continue to get easier as he becomes more mobile. As other people say it definitely does get easier.. all of this will be a thing of the past before you know it. I've found trying to get my baby to sleep in his cot during the day sometimes more stress than it's worth so I either hold him or bounce him in his bouncer chair, maybe you could try something like that for naps if you haven't already? When I hold him I use a dummy and comforter which smells like me and he rubs it on his face which helps him fall asleep.

As for the formula feeding you definitely should not feel guilty about that, your baby will grow and thrive and love you just the same and that's all that matters. There's so many other ways you can bond with him and you are good enough for him, as much as you doubt yourself he wouldn't be better off with anyone else but his mummy. Keep doing what you're doing and do what you need to do to survive these first few difficult months. And if you need someone to talk to with a similar age baby, feel free to message me 😊 I don't have many people to talk to about these things either.
Also please talk to your partner about all of this as it's really important to take time out to look after yourself. Xx

4-5 months is the worst. The absolute pits. As someone who went through that stage relatively recently I am telling you from 6 months on they get FUN, so fun it’s all worth it. You are going to come through this, honestly. In terms of advice it sounds like you need a good nights sleep. As you are formula feeding one massive positive is that your OH can share the load. Can you ensure one night a week at least he does the whole thing? I think some sleep will improve your outlook no end. Please don’t feel guilty about breastfeeding - you are giving your all to your LO. Plus weaning is around the corner and there’s so much fun and excitement to be had there in preparing healthy and tasty things

Also to add to what others have said - I EBF and my DD had gas, colic etc. You have not caused this by FF

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply. Few tears reading through (not sad ones this time) I think I just needed to hear someone tell me something positive, and that it will get better. And definitely need a lot more sleep!