Am I being unreasonable?

[grace1991]

Hey everyone.
I need honest opinions.

I work part time, and my husband works full time. We have a one year old and a mad house.

Husband has a week off this week and hasn't got much planned. I got home from an early shift today to the following: (bearing in mind baby has been in nursery all day so he's been alone)
Nappies on bedroom floor
Soaked gro bag left in cot cos baby had peed through in the night
Cat poo in literbox which stunk
Bed not made
Glsss from the night on the side
Wee on toilet seats
Washing up in sink
Babies breakfast crumbs and biscuits still on high chair

I then had to clean the kitchen and do all the washing up. Fairness to him he then cooked dinner but I had to clean that up and I'm on another early shift tomorrow. I then had to bath baby boy and get him to bed.

Am I being unreasonable to sort of expect this to be done while I'm out? I would always make the house spotless for when he got home and do everything for baby boy. I'm a mother I get it but I'm not a maid and a cleaner as well.
He said to me I'm being unrealistic of what men do and all women do this. He said no other man would be expected to do that much.

The things he did today is walk the dog, go to the gym, change a light switch, and send a couple of emails. He hoovered too.

Please be honest am I expecting too much? I walk the dog every day I am off as well as look after bubba and get the house sorted.

Thankyou in advance

Was he this lazy before you had the baby?

But taking care of your shared DC and cleaning isn't for you is it? It's a joint responsibly to do those things.

Don't fall into the trap of all DC / housework being your responsibility that he has to "help" with.

@FestiveMayo no it's got worse since baby as there is more to do! X

I’m trying to imagine my husband saying that to me and realised I can’t because he would be an ex If he did. What a disgusting entitled attitude. Are you ok with this being how your son is raised to view you?

Wtf is it with these men. Happy to sit in their own filth. And I’ve got relatively low standards an unmade bed I wouldn’t even notice tbh.

Basically he's a misogynist because he sees house and DC and women's work. This isn't about standards it's about him believing and telling you it isn't his job!

@RJnomore1 he's a really great dad. But yes the way he spoke to me earlier and what he said was wrong. We've had the chat.

I’d be annoyed. Everyone needs a down day sometimes. Me and OH have odd days off in the week. Sometimes I’m really productive and other times I’m not but in either case I’d never leave the house like that. Those jobs take 15 mins total? And if not done, it just leaves a load on your partner, mentally and physically.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

He was waiting for the maid to turn up

Yop.

He does not have the respect for you he should have. I would tell him you aren't mummy or maid or cook - and treating you as if you are is unattractive. He hopefully won't like the idea you won't fancy him.

Figure out a divvied up list of jobs according to your working hours, ground rules on the state the house is left in. Stick them up. Don't apply your standards to him - or you'll end up doing it for him. But no, complaining about baby shit being left on the floor isn't being a money little woman, it's vile behaviour.

You are going to have to toughen up on him because right now, he doesn't respect you - and while it might not be a huge issue right now, it will get a great deal worse. Be sensible about keeping your own finances etc with this one.

Really great dad's don't let their babies go to sleep in a wet bed because they haven't arsed themselves to sort it out on their day off or leave dirty nappies on the floor OP.

No he is not a really great dad. I’m fed up hearing that too. Really great dads treat their child’s other parent, and their living space, with respect. It’s the line trotted out when there’s really nothing else redeemable you say about a bloke usually.

Can't believe you're not more angry about his attitude! You went off to work in emergency services at 5am and came back to that??! This level of sexism is so gross, surely you don't want your kids to grow up in a home where mum does all the cleaning and dad thinks housework is wife work??? This goes way beyond laziness, it's so disrespectful. Another thing you don't want your kid to be inducted into. He may be a great dad in terms of how he directly interacts with your baby but he sure isn't a great dad when it comes to the boring unfun bits of parenting.

He's a lazy sod.
My dh is the same because I do it all as he works away a lot and I am a sahm, it really grated me when I worked though.

My husband worked 60 plus hours a week and he would never have left the house in that state at any time.
Whenever he cooked he cleaned as he went along.
Nappies would never have been left around by either of us - you take it off and bin it immediately surely?
Same with dirty clothing - straight in the laundry basket.
I agree with @Prokupatuscrakedatus - your actions say you accept it.

"He said to me I'm being unrealistic of what men do and all women do this. He said no other man would be expected to do that much."

He's a lazy fucking cunt.

Filthy fucked too. Leaving a piss soaked grow bag in the cot? Fucking vile.

Should have chucked it on his side of the bed and see if he thought that was ok.

You wash the cot sheet every day???

Sure if it's wet, been on a week etc but.... Every day??

MEN!!!!!!!

This isn't "men" as you are so massively over generalising. This is your partner. None of the men I know would leave a used nappy on the bedroom floor all day. Stop backing up his ridiculous theory that his is what "men" do. Of course it isn't.

He knows I wash the gro bag and cot sheet every day if it's even got a bit of drool on it. So I don't know why he just left it.

Well that is completely over the top, and, I couldn't get worked up about someone not straightening the duvet or not bringing a glass out of the bedroom either. However your starting point about "doing more to help me" is all wrong IMO. Surely you are both parents to your little one, and he is as much of their parent as you are? Don't let him think he is somehow 'helping you out' by doing his share of parenting.

No he is not a really great dad. I’m fed up hearing that too. Really great dads treat their child’s other parent, and their living space, with respect. It’s the line trotted out when there’s really nothing else redeemable you say about a bloke usually

This ^ 100%. I can't believe how often "he's a great Dad" is trotted out on here by posters who have just described a poor Dad.

I then had to clean the kitchen and do all the washing up?

My oh can be like this when I have gone out for morning etc, his excuse is I haven't gotten to it yet 🤦🏼‍♀️ he doesn't usually do the things you say except the washing up, crumbs and nappy but it's usually in a sack. I have gone to accepting it, then when I'm home I make him do it, and I will help. Sometimes I will write send a message a list of things I expect. I think it's cause I'm too anal at times tbh. But some things like the grobag urine and nappy I wouldn't accept.

I do think some men need a little more direction then others. Some are just not wired that way. My oh been like this since I have met him and I have directed, shouted, lists etc and found only thing that works for me and him is a quick message when I'm out just to remind him.

He trys most the time, but needs a little direction. I think some men find it harder to see something needs doing. Out of sight out of mind some times.