How to help DD12 overcome embarrassment and regain confidence?

[Mandy63l]

DD is 12 and in Y7 at school. Something really very embarrassing happened to her at school on Tuesday - now I don’t want to dwell on what actually happened as it’ll only attract and feed the trolls (and I’d hate to come across as one myself, too!). It’s done, it happened, and she owns it - poor judgment call on her part, no involvement from another pupil/teacher or anything like that.

Unfortunately it’s really knocked her confidence and even though we’ve totally played it down (in the grand scheme of things it’s only something minor, but for a 12 year old it’s mortifying) and have done our best to make her feel better about it, forget and move on, she’s really struggling. She’s not gone into school yesterday or today as she’s been too upset, and I’m not sure how best to support her to overcome this so she can get back to being herself?

She’s got a pretty close knit friendship group, some who came up from primary school with her and others they’ve all met at high school. I’m certainly not aware of any bullying of any kind either before this incident or as a result, she’s been loving her new school so far and it typically a very confident, headstrong girl so I really hate seeing her struggling like this. 😢

Even though she’s at home today, she’s cracking on with schoolwork so I don’t think it’s just been an excuse to miss school for a few days, that’s just not her. But she’s been so very quiet and withdrawn, and has showed no real interest in going out at all since Tuesday.

I’d really appreciate any suggestions as to how I can help bring her back out of herself and regain that confidence, so she can get back to being the bubbly DD she’s always been?

Thanks x

Without having even a vague idea of what happened, it's hard to suggest much really. If it's the sort of thing that she has control over and knows she can prevent happening again, then you could rehearse those steps with her and send her on her way. If it's something along the lines of her having wet herself, she needs you to tell her that she's not the first, that she can explain it away as being a UTI if having a retort makes her feel better but also that it's unlikely anyone will mention it. Perhaps she could message a friend or two and ask them to come over after school today to 'help her catch up' and arrange to walk to school with someone in the morning. The longer she stays off school, the bigger the problem will get in her mind.

It's very hard to say without even a rough idea of what happened.

Op I think you might want to tell her (as I’m sure you already have) that this is a VERY common experience. I did something embarrassing as a teen but people do forget and it won’t always feel like this. You could try ‘what would you say to a friend’ and ‘would you judge someone who did this?’

Aside that I would recommend staying busy and distraction eg watching films etc. Physical exercise is good for keeping upsetting thoughts at bay.

Maybe also getting her involved in something positive where she gives to others eg Christmas carols at old People home or helping you do some food bank donations? Might help her se herself in a better life

Sorry I meant better light

I’d try to get her to see her friends today after school if possible, just to get that link with school back but not seeing everyone straight away. Hopefully she’ll be able to face going in tomorrow then. Would the pastoral team be able to help at all?

Regardless of people saying they can’t help without knowing what it is, don’t post it on here, someone could recognise you/ her and it would be much, much worse for your daughter.

Hope it all works out. Secondary school can be really hard.

Your poor DD. I remember the mortification of doing something embarrassing aged 12. I was convinced I’d be known for it throughout my school years.

I wasn’t, because numerous other embarrassing things happened to other students and all were forgotten before long.

Just remind your DD she’s got her embarrassing thing in early, so more time for everybody to forget about it. And I bet whatever it is, it has definitely happened to others!

Agree with above poster re: getting the link with school back - I think that’s a really good idea. If it can’t be tonight, maybe you could set up something nice with her friends on the weekend to give them something else to focus on and talk about tomorrow?

Also have discuss with her what the cover story is for when people ask why she’s been off - it will make it more of a ‘thing’ if her friends think she is too embarrassed to come into school (although if they are a nice group they should support her).

I feel for her, it’s such a tough age. If there was one thing that helped me get over embarrassment as a teen/pre-teen it was being reminded that other people have embarrassing times too. Have you tried sharing some embarrassing moments of your own? Or is there a slightly older family or friend she looks up to that could confess theirs? Laughter and perspective will definitely help.

I agree with PPs that she should get back to school ASAP. The longer she stays home, the more fear will build. The sooner she gets back, the sooner she can start living it down.

What are the chances of @SE13Mummy guessing in the first comment? Now I’m sure you can see why I didn’t want the thread turning into a troll-fest of people over sharing experiences and those of a perverse nature getting their kicks from it. I’ve read these boards for enough years to have seen many threads descend into that. :(

As it happens, two of DD’s friends have not long ago turned up here after school. DD tried to shy away from seeing them at first, but came around - and the first thing her best friend did was give her a hug!

They brought her a gift - todays homework! 😂 But also had clubbed together to buy her a ticket to go to the cinema with them tonight, so the 3 of them a in her bedroom trying to get their homework done now so that I’ll let her go…and no doubt so I can play taxi as well. 🙄😂

I’ve no idea whether they’ve talked about what happened at all or whether anything more has been said at school whilst she’s been off, but the girls did say that it was chatted about a little after she went home Tuesday, but not nastily, and they’re sure it’s forgotten about now as loads more has happened - and then I was treated to a babble about who fancies who, which teacher shouted some of the lads for being rude, who hasn’t done their homework for a week etc etc. in the way only an 11/12 year old girl can. So yeah, it’s certainly reassured me that it’s yesterdays news, and I’m really hoping that a couple of hours with her friends away from home and away from that environment where she understandably feels so self conscious will be enough to make going back in tomorrow that bit easier.

Will talk to her over a hot choc when she gets back tonight about a “cover story” for what happened and why she’s been off, see what she thinks and wants to say, just so I don’t put my foot in it should I ever be asked - I guess the only thing worse than embarrassing yourself at school when you’re 12 is having your mum embarrass you.

Oh what lovely friends she has. I hope this all blows over ASAP.

@Lovelydovey

Oh what lovely friends she has. I hope this all blows over ASAP.

Oh you’re not wrong!

I’m sat downstairs listening to the giggling and joking about going on up there, not altogether convinced that much homework is being done (not due in until after the weekend fortunately - but I thought, especially given she’s missed 2 days of school, making an effort being a condition of going out on a school night was fair ;) ) however in truth I’m not in the least bit bothered - it’s clearly what she needed!

I’ll make sure she’s prepared for what tomorrow may bring, and knows how she’ll deal with any teasing or unkind comments that may come from outside of her friendship group, but I’m fairly sure her friends will have her back. 🤞

It was a mistake to allow her to skip school for two days. That only brings more attention to the issue and doesn't set a good example. We all make mistakes and we have to face it, head on. Get her back to school immediately.

I’m not sure I agree it was a mistake to skip school. I had an ugly open sore on my face once in secondary and my mum who was always a go to school type person let me stay at home until it calmed down. I will forever be grateful to her for that.

Oh that is lovely of her friends! I'm sure she'll feel much better now. And absolutely you should play taxi. I'd probably throw in a couple of buckets of popcorn too in your shoes

She's going to be just fine. It will be forgotten about soon I'm sure and now she has her security blanket of her mates, she should go back to school tomorrow.

Mums taxi duties done.
Dinner and popcorn supplied, to much acclaim.

DD and her best friend somehow convinced me, thorough an in depth discussion about walking to school together tomorrow helping her to feel more at ease, and her friend living in the wrong direction, that an impromptu mid-week sleepover that breaks all of the rules really is a necessary precaution! (I’ve been played a bit here, haven’t I?! 😂)

I’m actually glad they’ll be going in together tomorrow, it’s exactly the moral support DD clearly needed and she really has been back to her normal self since her mates turned up after school. Just that last hurdle to overcome now

I was half tempted to ask whether this had all been deliberate to get the treats, but suspect it’s still a bit too raw right now. Nah, in all seriousness, what a fab outcome and what a great group of friends, feeling proud she’d surrounded herself with such great people.

What a lovely update. Honestly couldn't have been a better outcome to a potentially horrid situation.

Well done all of you!

Her friends sound lovely

That’s a great update op. Suspect you could do with some

Kids at that age have short memories and are hugely self obsessed, they spend so much time thinking about themselves and what they have done that they won't remember for long.
If anyone mentions it, she has to own it and say, oh god, I really shouldn't have downed my whole bottle of water just before that lesson.. won't do that again! And then change the subject.
Everyone will move on quickly

Having a couple of days off lends support to the bladder infection theory so that may help

I guessed because you said it wasn't anything that involved a teacher or another student @Mandy63l. Friendship is so powerful at this age and your DD's friends are just what she needed to move on from this. Hopefully she'll learn from this that her friends care about her as a person, want her to be at school with them and that they really do have her back.

Remind her these days will be a faded memories in a couple of year's.
Nothing lasts forever.
I hope she is okay.

Honestly every single child’s main thought will be ‘phew at least it wasn’t me.’ And it will be forgotten when someone else inevitably embarrassed themselves! Best thing is to get back stuck in, and tell anyone who comments to shut up/act like you don’t care about their comments.

Thanks everyone.

DD and her friend are on their way to school. Bit of a wobble this morning (“but what if everybody laughs at me? What if it happens again?”) but she knows neither of those things will happen, and she’ll be fine. :) She knows what she’s going to say if it comes up, and how she’s going to react if anybody gives her a hard time. And as she put it “I’m never ever ever going to do this to myself again”, so I think there’s definitely a lesson learned in there somewhere too.

Thanks everybody for the supportive hand hold when i needed it. It’s been a long time since I was an image conscious nearly-teenager, and I’ll be honest I’d have been just as devastating as DD if it had happened to me at 12 too! So, so glad she has such supportive friends around her.

Well it seems all went well. From what DD has said, all of her friends were worried about her and glad to see her back, rather than poking fun. She said that only one person (not one of her friends) made an unkind comment, and one of their own friends told them to “grow up”.

Apparently I need to “stop fussing”, so now the attitude is back it seems she’s her normal serif again, although I will keep a closer eye for a few days (without fussing! 😂), and definitely no midweek sleepovers except in emergencies…clearly not a lot of sleeping went on last night, as she’s been snoozing on the sofa for the past half hour. 🙈

All’s well that ends well, as they say, and I’ve definitely learnt a lot about DD’s resilience and the strength of her friendship group, which has been lovely to see.

Your DD has such lovely friends. And well done to her for picking herself up and going in today!

One thing maybe worth in the future is finding out why it happened, and working on that. Is it she feels scared to ask? Is it the toilets are unpleasant? Are there bigger students in there smoking/being mean? It would be worth gently finding out if there's anything else going on that you could help with. Because it's all very well her saying she'll never do it to herself again but if there's something underlying that may also need to change or she might need support to be more confident in class. Its not her fault