My heart is breaking for my daughter :(

[Chariotslion]

She's 3.
Has witnessed and been subjected to horrific domestic abuse by her father for the first 19 months of her life until I got the strength to leave him.
But now, even a year on.. She still remembers him hitting me, making me cry, shouting at us both.
She flinches and jumps when she hears a loud noise.
She cries and sobs and tells me she doesn't want to see him.
She says he's not kind and she wishes her best friends dad was her dad..
It's heartbreaking.. I've had every door closed in my face in terms of interventional therapy for her, owing to her age or the fact she was having contact with her abuser father.
She hits me, scratches me, kicks me, a couple of times to the point I've had awful bruises and drawn blood and cried.. When I have cried she silently fills up with tears and tells me she's sorry and she's not horrible like her father.
I feel helpless. I continuously reassure she's safe and I love her. But this is breaking my heart :(

I have no advice but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for what you both have gone through and you have my full admiration for finding the courage to leave. Wishing you both strength and healing x

So sorry to hear this- but as pp has said well done for getting both of you out of that situation. Is it worth calling women’s aid or the like to see if they can help you in terms of counselling or something for your daughter? It sounds like some therapy would be helpful. Take care.

You both need some therapy
Dies,she still haVe contact?
It s good you recognise her behaviour as her response
And that she isn't being naughty
HNg in there
Hold her sooth her

Oh bless, I don’t know what to say either.. would any ceremonial things help like drawing a picture of anger and burning it together in the fire help? Or testing it up into tiny bits? . and talk about forgiveness.. mammy loves you even if your cross.. maybe teach her how to express anger safely when she’s calm… . bang her pillow on her bed.. bang two cushions together, .. everyone gets angry.. no point being afraid of that emotion, .. but it’s just an emotion like a wave of the sea.. it’s not forever.. it’s just a few moments.. draw the feeling? Act it out with teddies ? Dolly’s? If she goes to hit you put her in a safe space where you can hear her but not be on the receiving end of a kicking.. tell her have calm down time.. she’s 3.. what about emotion stickers or cards so she can point to the feeling.. then she has a name for it..

I’m no expert , my sin has a huge temper, these are some of the things we do..

So sorry you’re going through this, OP. Would this book help you?

Have you tried googling DV charities in your area? There are often little charities dotted around towns that offer short programmes for adults and children and have access to counselling. Alternatively could you ask your GP or local social services team to refer you to a family counselling service?
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0425200310/ref=as_li_tf_tl?creativeASIN=0425200310&link_code=as3&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8&creative=9298&camp=2506#reader_0425200310

I'm so sorry for what has happened, but you've got out of that terrible situation and you are safe now. Your daughter must be so confused and she doesn't know what to think, she's testing all your boundaries and trying to make sense in her own way. Keep modelling the kind loving but consistent and respectful boundaries she needs to learn. It will take time, maybe 2 years or more, but every day is a step in the right direction. Wishing you peace and healing

You’ve done fantastic getting you and her to a safe place where you can rebuild your lives.
I know she is too young for therapy herself, but there should be parenting therapy you can take on how to help a traumatised child?
I’d contact Womens Aid as domestic violence support usually includes parental support that is child focussed on what you can do as a parent to help your child heal.

This may be of help to you.

www.thegreenbook.info/documents/instructor.pdf

I hope you know how brave and strong you are.

Thinking further about your DDs anger. She is only 3 and so some of this is normal because until around 7 children have trouble processing and managing strong emotions. What I did with my DC is I showed them that when they are so so angry they want to hit...to go and get a pillow and punch it, kick it, scream into it until they start to feel a bit better. It’s a safety valve where they can safely hit something without anyone being shock horror you’re being violent.

They all grew out of it as they got older and developed emotionally enough to manage emotions. 3 is still very young...toddler terrible two tantrums are for same reason, too young to process emotions.

Does your dd go to nursery attached to a school? If so speak to them the school my dd attends has some one from mentalhealth team come in once a week for children that need to speak to some1 my dd6 goes out of class once a week with the lady plays games has a chat about what's bothering her and it seems to be helping. So maybe they might offer something similar. I think alot of schools were given funding for this sort of thing after the lockdown.

I’m so glad you got out, but now is the time to seek professional help for both of you. Emphasis on both.

Have a read through the adoption board so you can see what sorts of therapy there is and you can find something that will help your daughter. Do you have a social worker, I'd be surprised if they won't help you at all

My daughter has just been allocated a social worker - I've put her in touch with the HV, who has made a referral to the Children's Mental Health team in our local area, she desperately needs some kind of therapy but they won't help until she's not having contact, which at the moment she is not - I'm in court next week for enforcement action. The local authority have said had I not stopped contact, they would have intervened and told me to, so hoping that contact won't be reinstated at this enforcement hearing.

Depending on where you are, some therapies can be funded and there is a great deal of research on how important it is to help children who witness abuse. This organisation might be worth contacting, to see if they know of any help in your area, or can recommend any resources https://www.annafreud.org/

I think it would be worth contacting the Home Start charity?