Isolated and bored with 15 month old

[FoundlingFather]

This will be long, apologies.

We live in a village in Kent, moved here a few months ago. My issue is there is nothing for children here. No play groups, play and stays, anything at all (plenty within driving distance, but I don't drive. Planning to but can't afford lessons ATM).

My partner works most days, rarely has a day off (self employed) because we have a very high rent and bills to pay. He is great and does more than his fair share when here.

I go out twice a day with DS, once in a carrier and once in the pram. He has a mountain of toys that I rotate regularly. He loves baths, has a long one every day. We sing, chat, play all day. He watches me do a workout video. Watches about an hour of TV a day (judge away). Trouble is, he has always been a very high needs baby, screamed from birth till 6 months, hated life till about 8 months. He gets unbearably grumpy when teething, tired, hungry or sick and he is one of those things 80% of the time. He loves other children and interacting with other people but just doesn't get the chance.

My family are far away and don't visit very often. Partners family very close by, see them once a week or so and they take DS occasionally overnight.

I'm at the end of my tether, bored and lonely. I get a panicky feeling several times a day that I just can't do this. I suspect I'm just not a natural mum and really hate it. I've tried apps where you can meet other mum friends but nothing came out of them.

I'm looking for practical advice - things to do, activities, anything! There must be more to life than this boring existence.

I mean…is moving off the cards? I have an almost identical sounding DS who’s just a bit older and the thought of being isolated in a small village, with nothing toddler-orientated to do and no car makes me shudder. It sounds like you are doing loads already and I’m not surprised you are at the end of your tether - I couldn’t cope without toddler groups or soft play or the library were I just get a chance to breathe. I assume you don’t have a local nursery within walking distance you could afford to send him to for a few sessions a week so you aren’t always ‘mum’?

@AliceW89 Moving is off the cards unfortunately, we signed a years contract and we had to move all our stuff by ourselves (couldn't afford movers) which almost broke us. The thought of doing it again makes me want to cry.

There may be a nursery nearby, but again we can't afford to put him into paid childcare. I'm thinking my only option at this point is to get a job and use the income from that for childcare to give me a bit of breathing space. Not many jobs about where I am unfortunately.

I know people cope with more than one child as a stay at home parent and honestly I feel like such a failure for struggling with just one.

Thanks for your response xx

Please dont feel like a failure at all. Caring for Children day in day out is very boring . Its the drudgery of cooking and cleaning that gets you. Dont feel bad at all. Are there no buses ? I have twins and i have never driven, granted im in gritty inner london

Zero judgement from me. I would find this incredible tough. Is public transport to a group an option? Would maybe make a day if it. Bus to group? Take lunch for baby with you. Lunch/coffee nap in pram bus back? At least one day???

Any online baby classes? There were tons in lockdown not sure how many are running now? Baby club on you tube? Village Facebook group to see if any mums around in similar situation?

@femfemlicious @Whatelsecouldibecalled Bus is a good idea. I think I'm still petrified of getting on one since DS was smaller and he'd scream and scream and the stress of it was too much. I should really try again, make a day of it like you say.

I'd feel exactly the same as you OP (in fact, I did in the first lockdown with an 18m old. Even he was bored of baths by the end of it). The thing that keeps me sane with children is getting out and/or seeing friends with children. Don't feel bad - it sounds like you're doing an excellent job of filling your days. I really would try the bus. I do it for fun with my older one and my baby comes along too. It's totally doable with 2 and everyone is always lovely to us so I'm sure you could manage. Maybe just treat it as an activity in itself so there's no pressure if it goes a bit wrong?! Even somewhere with pretty poor public transport that could perhaps open up some possibilities to you.

@FoundlingFather go armed if he is upset. Bottle/feed/dummy/comforter what ever he seeks comfort in. Easy snacks at the ready. iPhone/iPad to entertain. You can download kids tv on Netflix with no data usage when out. Even if you try at these things and he cries one of two things

1. other mums such as me will remember how hard that is abs give you encouraging smilies or offer help/kind words if they can
2. people make give you (or heys you feel like) are not nice looks - sod them. They were babies once and screamed then too.

Plan your route get your timings down. Plan around DS naps. You will be so bloody proud of yourself if you go for it

Smiles! Not smilies!

I would get a job OP evenings or weekends if you have to, learn to drive, and use childcare as soon as you can, then look to move mid term. Doesn't sound like your current set up suits you, work on changing it.

Your right to feel how you are but remember some people are in your situation with no family around at all so don’t get the weekly visit or odd night free.

The main problem seems to be not having access to a car, when driving that opens up a whole world. Could you start to study for the theory now? Maybe that would occupy your mind.

Everyone feels like this at some stage in their life when they are a parent. Mine are at school and that feels lonely too as I work from home.

It’s just a phase and it will pass and your not failing one single bit!

Is there a village Facebook group? I live in quite an isolated village too and the group is quite active / friendly
I have a car
I think you're coping amazingly well - as the days are really long and it's not easy not being able to go anywhere!!
My little one gets v bored with toys he loves going through cupboards (there's a few plastic containers / just things he cant break etc )
Or you could set up some sensory type activities - oats in a big tub and some diggers / tub of jelly hide toys or objects in there / pots and pans and containers with dry pasta / a water table
Is there a playground in walkable distance ?

@Lostmyheart101 I'm acutely aware of how fortunate I am - I live in a nice house, in a safe area, have a healthy child and a good relationship with some family support. This makes me wonder why I can't just be happy.

I can compare myself to other people all day long but it doesn't change how I feel and I'm just looking for some practical advice to improve my mental health.

Thanks for your advice, I have taken the theory test before but it ran out after two years so it would be good to brush up on it.

Great ideas @milkieway I'll try those!

Hi Op,

This might be a stupid thought but it just popped into my head as I was watching an episode of Baby Club with my DD on iplayer! (Yes I too watch some educational TV with my baby each day and people can feel free to judge me if they want to!). Do you know of any neighbours who look after their grandchildren who you could start up a mini baby club with? They might also feel a bit isolated and trapped and it could be a possibility. Or if their is a village hall or something maybe you could ask about setting one up, you might he surprised by the interest as many people locally could be in a similar situation to you.

I hope things get better for you. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job with all the things you have listed. Try not to be too hard on yourself but I know it’s not easy because I’m just the same.

@FoundlingFather,no-one can tell you how you should feel as we are all individual with our own experiences and mental health. It's flipping hard with a high needs baby!! I used to think something was wrong with me when people would tell me I should be "enjoying every minute" with my high needs little one who cried or screamed most of the time for first 4 months of his life. And like you I had lots to technically be grateful for but that made me feel even more pressured and gave myself an even harder time for feeling the way I did. I really struggled tbh and got support from my GP as I had post natal anxiety - I'm not saying you have this but just wanted to assure you it's okay to feel the way you do however it is that you are feeling x

My son was a high needs baby and it is soul destroying. You sound like you're doing an amazing job, there are so many hours in the day to fill.

My son was 15 months when we went into lockdown, I went back and looked at my pics from that time.

As the weather gets nicer, you can get out into the garden more, we got him a cozy coupee and slide for the garden and that provided hours of fun. Likewise water play, I let him stand at a step by the sink and he would be entertained for at least half an hour. Sorting pom poms into trays was a firm favourite, as were megablocks. When things got really bad, I would open up the tupperware cupboard and let him have at it - that was saved as a special treat 😂.

@LovelyBitOfSquirrelInTheWirral the village hall is a drive away but that's a great idea actually. I'm part of the Facebook group for local mums so I might post there and see if I get any responses, there must be others in my position?! I see a lot of mums in the village.

[quote milkieway]@FoundlingFather,no-one can tell you how you should feel as we are all individual with our own experiences and mental health. It's flipping hard with a high needs baby!! I used to think something was wrong with me when people would tell me I should be "enjoying every minute" with my high needs little one who cried or screamed most of the time for first 4 months of his life. And like you I had lots to technically be grateful for but that made me feel even more pressured and gave myself an even harder time for feeling the way I did. I really struggled tbh and got support from my GP as I had post natal anxiety - I'm not saying you have this but just wanted to assure you it's okay to feel the way you do however it is that you are feeling x [/quote]
It is hard. My partners sister had a baby within two weeks of mine and she was the most perfect, chilled baby and now toddler. Hit all milestones early, rarely cried. My DS has been v slow with his milestones and becomes a grizzly mess so easily. Comparison is really the thief of all joy

@soughsigh

My son was a high needs baby and it is soul destroying. You sound like you're doing an amazing job, there are so many hours in the day to fill.

My son was 15 months when we went into lockdown, I went back and looked at my pics from that time.

As the weather gets nicer, you can get out into the garden more, we got him a cozy coupee and slide for the garden and that provided hours of fun. Likewise water play, I let him stand at a step by the sink and he would be entertained for at least half an hour. Sorting pom poms into trays was a firm favourite, as were megablocks. When things got really bad, I would open up the tupperware cupboard and let him have at it - that was saved as a special treat 😂.

I will try all of those! Thank you for the suggestions x

I remember well when I had my first and a friend also had one around the same time.
While chatting, we both said we felt that the situation, isolated and alone with a baby all day felt unnatural to us.
Thing is, it is totally not natural so no wonder you feel like you do.

Might also be worth getting in touch with health visiting service as they may be able to put you in touch with other local mums or help with the idea of a local get together with local mums

Will the family you have locally see you anymore than they do (not sure if that would help) but sometimes just abit of adult conversation for half an hour goes a long way / seeing another friendly face

Sometimes it feels intense 1;1 all day with your baby and I've craved being around other people too just to break the day up slightly

Just wanted to say this was me this time last year, couldnt drive for health reasons and was stuck in a very rural house with two under 4. Being able to drive again has been such a release from that trapped feeling and feeling like an independent adult again, and gives a much wider choice of work. Is there any way you can access lessons - ask for them for christmas, ask the family you have nearby to babysit for a couple of hours a week? I understand this may not be possible but I think the investment would pay off if you can possibly get the funds together.
I think you are doing so well to cope with this without transport, it is really hard, and it seems like you are scheduling your days as well as you possibly can.

Could you join peanut and find a local mummy friend? I’ve joined up with a friend and now share my friends as hers. Really works

I know you already mentioned the cost but: learn to drive as an urgent priority. The longer you leave it with him getting older, the worse it’ll get.

Thanks for the good advice everyone, yes I totally agree that learning to drive needs to be a priority. I had started lessons years ago and did my theory test but foolishly never saw it through till the end. I might ask for driving lessons as a joint Christmas/birthday present, good idea @Lostthetastefordahlias.

I think a big part of my problem is I have a huge anxiety about taking public transport and absolutely hated driving, so always dragged my feet doing these things. I should make the effort for my DS.