Divorce with adult children, one with severe mental health problems

[MotherGoose67]

Hi, I am looking for some advice. I am an older mum and am sadly getting divorced. We have 2 children. My youngest is 21 and my eldest is 23 (she has suffered with chronic life-limiting mental and physical health problems since she was at primary school, all documented). She is currently acknowledged by the local adult mental health services and the pain management service as having suicidal thoughts and also has many other complex issues . From and early age she has and still does rely on me as her main provider for emotional support and for love, advice etc. I am her first port of call for help. I have constantly researched all of her symptoms to try to find help to treat her symptoms, and attended nearly all of her appointments, even as an adult. Her father was fairly absent in terms of his support and understanding and belief of the full extent of her needs. His behaviour is also one of the main contributing factors to her diagnoses and required ongoing treatment which he does not acknowledge and would dispute.
We will be selling the marital home as part of the divorce settlement which I do want to do. I have asked for and will need a property with enough room for my daughter to come to stay with me whether for a few hours, or for days and weeks/months should her mental and physical health require it. She has already required this support on 3 occasions so far since she was 18.
My son is 21 and has found a job in another part of the country but comes home to be with me and to see his sister for a few days at a time every 3-4 weeks.
Neither child will ever stay with their father and his new partner and her adult children (who they know). in his partner's house.
I currently still live in the marital home (4 bedrooms and 3 receptions). I have always agreed that I would be happy to move to a smaller property but have consistently asked for funding for a property with three double bedrooms.
My soon-to-be ex-husband is declaring that I will not need financial provision within our divorce settlement to enable or allow for me for provide bedrooms/accommodation for our adult children when necessary.
He now lives with his new partner (with whom he had the affair and caused the breakdown of our marriage.) She is wealthy. He pays towards her substantial luxury property and expensive car costs.
He became the main wage earner in our marriage after having our children. I gave up my successful career within the NHS and my NHS pension when we started our family. I have always worked very hard but now only earn approx. 20% of what my husband currently earns as a result of my taking a step back to be the main carer for our children whilst he worked away (London and/or abroad) and pursued his career. Often weekly for many years.
We are now divorcing and I need to ensure that I have a property that would accommodate both children should they need to come back to spend time with me for any reason but particularly for my eldest due to her health issues.
I have looked for legal cases regarding divorce proceedings and settlements covering this sort of situation but can't seem to find any legal precedents in the UK relating to adult children with mental and physical health issues requiring parental support.
Can anyone please help? Have you been in the same circumstances? What are your experiences? I can't be the first divorcee with adult children with ongoing specific parental support requirements.
My daughter and son came back to live with me by choice, for nearly all of the recent pandemic/lockdown. My daughter is now moving into a rental property locally with her boyfriend but desperately wants to be able to spend time with me when she needs to, for comfort and support as she relies on me so much when she is struggling with her complex health needs. I expect that she will need this ongoing support for many years to come. When she has a panic attack she needs to recuperate, often to sleep to recover and feel safe and supported. I often have to drop everything to help her on a daily basis. I regularly put my life on hold for her and don't resent that but do expect my ex husband to acknowledge and facilitate me with a property that accommodates that for us. Between our joint income this can be facilitated. His needs are amply met by his now new partner of over 5 years. But he disagrees.
Can anyone help? Are there any cases where adult children's mental and physical needs have been taken into consideration within a divorce settlement?
Thanks so much in advance. I would appreciate any advice or examples or legal precedent available.

Apologies that is a long post! Just wanted to try to give all of the relevant details.

Sorry you are going through this. Can't you keep the marital home if it's fully paid for, I assume he has to give you part of his pension.

Sorry you are going through this. Have you sought legal advice? I believe it's very difficult to get a financial settlement to include provision for adult children unless they are registered disabled, for example and need to live with you full time in a fully cared for capacity. Your ex's new partner's income and financial position will not be taken into consideration at all. A lawyer would be best placed to advise.

There is still outstanding mortgage on the house, but there will be a good chunk of equity after it is sold. The house is very old and far too big for me and I couldn't afford to pay for it or the necessary upkeep on my own. I just want to be able to support my adult kids and provide them with a smaller family home with rooms of their own so that they can come back to stay whenever they need to. For my eldest in particular, as there will be a regular need for that. My Ex is asking for nearly as much as me to buy a property from the sale of our home yet he already has been living with is new partner in her much bigger luxury property. They have been together for years. I don't think it is too much to ask when my life has and the kids have been torn apart. I was just wondering if there are cases where the wife/mother is given reasonable consideration within the divorce process for an adult child with mental and physical health problems that still need to be able to have space at the family home when they aren't feeling well or need the support. Both kids are adults but there doesn't seem to be any provision in family law for that so far in my research. My solicitor doesn't seem to have any firm advice either. I work full time but only earn about 20% of what my partner does. I gave up my career when we had the children and he continued to pursue his. He has left me for another woman and he doesn't seem to care that the kids still rely on me. They see very little of him. I can't be the first person in this position surely? Any advice welcome.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

You need to speak to a lawyer but I assume a 50/50 split of the equity in the house would be the starting point, plus you getting a share of his pension. Would 50 per cent allow you to buy a Two bedroom place? I can't see any justification for you getting a 3 bed to be honest.

Get legal advice. My understanding is that as the guilty party your ex DH should pay for it. It sounds as though you are unlikely to get anywhere without proper legal representation. Marital assets are just that and a lawyer should advise you on an appropriate split.

My understanding is that as the guilty party your ex DH should pay for it

This is completely wrong.

However Get legal advice is completely right. Because if your DC is classed as a dependant because of medical need irrespective of age, then what is required to meet her needs needs to be factored in to a settlement and will be based on individual circumstances

My understanding is that as the guilty party your ex DH should pay for it.

This is completely untrue. You need legal advice, as PP have said. It's not relevant who left who, or how much money any new partners have, in UK divorces.

Guilt doesn't matter. Need to house younger children does, this is trickier. Does your daughter have a mental health professional that can document her needs?

Also you mention equity in house, but surely as a high earner your Ex has a good pension? Any investments? If you add the pension plus the house equity and investments if either of you have any, and divide that sum in half would that give you enough money for a small 3 bedroom home? If you're in an expensive area could you move to one that's a bit cheaper?

You may just have to be more realistic.
I also don't see the justification for providing a bedroom each.
My son has schizophrenia and was sectioned for over two years as a teenager and I still support him but he lives independently. You can still make your new home ' home' without three double bedrooms.

Your children are both adults, your youngest already lives independently, in a different part of the country, and does not need his own bedroom when he comes to visit occasionally. Your eldest is about to move in with her boyfriend.

They are both not dependent on you for a home, or finances.

The starting point for ALL ASSETS including equity and pensions is 50:50.

How long has your stbx been living with his new dp? If it went to court it could be argued that he is adequately housed (with her) and his need for a bigger share of the assets would be reduced in your favour.

I'm not sure that you'll be able to secure a bigger share based on your dd needing to be supported in the family home if she is not normally resident there.

There may be a case for limited spousal support until you are in a position to work full time (or retrain to do so) although this is increasingly uncommon as courts much prefer a clean break.

Unfortunately there is no 'blame' apportioned to dividing marital assets.

If his income is still 10x yours there seems to be quite a disparity in income, so that again may swing the finances your way.

How much equity is in your home, and cetv of all pensions? What's your mortgage capacity? How much is a 2 bed house in your area? These are the basics that need to be assessed.

Get legal advice.

Furthermore, I doubt you would be able to use ds coming home during lockdown as a precedent - covid changed so many home arrangements. He is habitually resident elsewhere, independently

This is from a legal webs]site:

In many cases however, particularly where there is blame to be attributed to the Respondent for the breakdown of the marriage, the Petitioner may feel aggrieved at having to pay the legal costs and will instead seek for the Respondent to do so. Divorce law within England and Wales accommodates this, and allows the Petitioner to make a claim for costs against the Respondent. Should the divorce be successful, then at Decree Nisi stage the Respondent can be ordered to pay the Petitioner's costs.

I think it would be very different if your daughter had to live with you but the fact is both she and your son have their own homes. I'm really sorry, I know it must be awful for you. I would want a two bed house, with the spare room not assigned to either child, but used by either when they come home. A sofa bed in the living room would mean all three could come home.

Hi,

Yes there is a substantial level of equity in the house but even though my ex is living with his partner and has been for a couple of years (they now live in a huge detached property with extensive grounds etc provided by his partner but which he has also invested money into - their relationship extends to over 5 years now), my ex is stating that he requires capital equating to 89% of the equity to purchase his own property even though his accomodation needs are more than amply met. He is stating that there is no guarantee that the relationship will endure. I am not in a relationship and as I mentioned before. I usually work full time in a basic role earning just over the minimum wage.
I earn about 1/6 of what he does because I gave up my career to be close to hone for the kids whilst he carried on and worked away. I have always worked apart from maternity cover.
His partner also earns an equivalent substantial salary and has various income sources.
I do have a solicitor but was looking for experience here particularly about the adult children with support needs - I can see that it looks bleak for that need to provide space for her. I have always supported her as best I can to the point that it affects my health. If I don't have space where she can be with me as necessary but in her own space it will be further detrimental to my health. She will never go to him for support.
My mortgage capacity would provide me with approx £80,000 but with all other costs I would struggle without a substantial lump from the equity and spousal support as I am 54 so only looking for a 10 year mortgage and on a reasonable low salary.
It just all seems so unfair. If we hadn't had the children I would be earning a similar salary to him as our early careers/income and potential were comparable.
I have requested independent advice about the pensions and await a response. We have always said that the pensions would be split 50/50 since the separation.
Thanks for all of the comments, much appreciated.

@Redburnett

This is from a legal webs]site:

In many cases however, particularly where there is blame to be attributed to the Respondent for the breakdown of the marriage, the Petitioner may feel aggrieved at having to pay the legal costs and will instead seek for the Respondent to do so. Divorce law within England and Wales accommodates this, and allows the Petitioner to make a claim for costs against the Respondent. Should the divorce be successful, then at Decree Nisi stage the Respondent can be ordered to pay the Petitioner's costs.

That refers to the admin and possibly legal costs of the actual divorce. Guilt has no baring on how marital assets are split. The courts will look at a fair split to allow both parties to have a roof over their heads, if at all possible. Pension provision is also considered. You don't get more just because you're the "innocent" party.

Because of the inequity in earnings and pension I think you have a pretty good chance of getting more than 50%, but I don't think that you can demand a particular level of lifestyle. The split still has to be fair to both parties.

There's no way on earth he's getting 89% of the equity. No chance. (assuming usual kind of marriage/assets etc). As your income is 1/6 of his I might assume there could be more than 50% in your favour, but 50% is the minimum.

Thank you for all of the comments on this thread. I'm very grateful.

Does he really think he should get 89% of the equity, he is absolutely unrealistic.
Remember all assets of the long marriage should be included in working out the settlement, including what may be a large pension if he is a high earner and other investment s. It is possible that his pension is worth more than the equity in the home, and starting at 50:50 you will be in a better position than you think.
I think you need a good solicitor and full disclosure from your ex-husband of all his assets as he sounds like will push for a settlement very unfair to you otherwise

I am a female high earner. Over the years I have listened to many of my colleagues complain about their divorce settlement s. Because of the long hours many of them have had SAHM wives who have had done everything around the house and children which has enabled the men to earn the high salaries.
My divorced male colleagues simply can't see it that their wives work at home has enabled their own earnings , they truly don't value non paid work
They grouch about having to hand over half their assets when " she's not done a day's work "

If your ex is one of these don't expect h to offer a fair settlement without going through a lawyer.

Where does he get 89% from?

Hi there I have a 4 week year old baby I let my 11 year old cousin hold him on the sofa and when she passed him back she never supported his head and his flopped back after that I didn’t let know touch him his been checked over by doctor and they said his fine but still worried any on else been in the same situation

He is living in a substantial luxury property with his new partner and is claiming that all relationships are not stable so he may need a property of his own which is why he is declaring the need for his own property. He has been in the relationship for over five years and holidays with his partner and her adult children regularly. He has also invested over £13000 in her property and pays her similar in rent on top each year. I believe that they are just siphoning off money to help fund the relationship and lifestyle and increase his costs to reduce his available income. She has no need for this money as she is independently wealthy. He has refused to provide information regarding her financial position declaring that he has no knowledge of it which is an absolute nonsense. There is no way that they are breaking up any time soon and I expect that as soon as our divorce is finalised they will plan their wedding.