Please help

[EatCakeBeMerry]

My toddler is 2 years old and never slept through the night. I am broken!

At nursery they sleep through unaided but home lo has to be breastfed to sleep. I pay extortionate money to nursery for lo to catch some sort of virus weekly. I am getting increasingly agitated and touched out and then wracked with guilt for feeling that way. DH works shifts so we get limited time together and we have no help from family etc. Our relationship is more friends than husband and wife with no sex life and I am fed up of hearing how everyone else's kid sleeps through the night and has done since they were little. We co sleep still and the latest comfort for my toddler is to pick at my belly button which is red raw. I'm tired, fed up and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've read so much on weaning but everytime I go to do it there is another illness and he is inconsolable. The best sleep we have is a 5 hour stretch right before the next virus reveals itself and I'm exhausted. I have no freedom and as much as I love my child I am becoming snappy and irritable and a bad mum. I'm also aware weaning doesn't guarantee sleeping through and I'm worried we will go through it to be even worse off with a harder battle back to sleep.

You need to do some sleep training.

Have a look for a method that suits your family. If.you can afford it get a consultant/sleep trainer in to help.

Does.tour child have any SEN?

You must be feeling absolutely exhausted. I would wean if you think it will help. At age 2 you’ve basically gone above and beyond nutrition wise. It may be hard but you need to start looking after yourself too, there’s only so long any human can come with such little sleep.

As pps. I have all the sympathy for you, my youngest was a bit like this. I finally lost the plot & cut off the feeds hard at 2.5 as I Just Couldn’t Stand It Any More.
She still tries to stick her fingers in my bellybutton, but I have always said no to that. I would start by sticking a big plaster over your navel, he has his own bellybutton he can fiddle with. Wear a long top so it’s harder to get at.
This is around the right age to start learning that mummy has feelings too, even if they clash with what he wants, and that that’s okay.
With hindsight I found that it was actually the first morning feed she seemed to miss most when I started cutting back, I was too tired to realise at the time.
If you can afford it and your husband is up to it, I would consider going to an hotel fora couple of nights. You could come back in the daytime. Let your husband have a couple too.

Plan that next time your DH is off duty (even shift workers get time off) you will go away for two or ideally three nights on your own to a friend or hotel. Do not go back home during this time. This then happens in any case unless someone is admitted to hospital or there is a National emergency.

DH then deals with DC For two or three nights while you rest. When DC asks for milk, the answer is ‘no, it’s gone’.

You carry this on when you get back.

They can smell the milk on you and you need to remove yourself from the situation.

No ifs, no buts, this is what you need to do. Toddlers don’t NEED breastmilk or to breastfeed. You need to stop for yours and Everyone’s benefit.

Get something for them to fiddle with instead of you. Nuby make some good teething beads.
Stop bf if you want but don’t expect it to be the magic solution to sleeping through consistently. My ds has only just started sleeping through most nights and he’s 4 and at school. Friends 2-4 year olds all weaned sleep though some nights but not all.

It is very hard I’ve only had a handful of unbroken nights sleeps in over 4 years

Sorry OP but this is biologically normal.

I still breastfeed to sleep at almost 4.

Sleeping through is something western society has become obsessed with, usually by them "sleep training."

At that age I would be explaining that the belly Button thing can't continue and remove each time.
My dc went through a habit of biting my nipples at that stage. I just calmly explained that it hurts mummy and take the boon away for a while.

I hear you and I’m in the same situation. My 2 year old had just started to some times sleep through in August. Now she has a constant virus, to the extend that I can’t work out when its a new cough or the same one, ear infections and now her molars are coming through. Could your lo br teething?

My older girl was ff and sleeping through some times by 2 but we also had a tricky winter with her that year. It was easier because she would sometimes settle for DH but DD2 won’t consider it at the moment.

Are you a sahm? Maybe you and DH can use nursery and take some holiday for a day date once every two months. It will be 6 holidays a year but it makes a massive difference. Can you work from home? Lunch break sex is still sex.

Toddler’s don’t need breast milk but its up the OP if she wants to stop. Its a very personal decision. I’ve decided to wean this spring once we get over this difficult winter of viruses.

@VerveClique

Plan that next time your DH is off duty (even shift workers get time off) you will go away for two or ideally three nights on your own to a friend or hotel. Do not go back home during this time. This then happens in any case unless someone is admitted to hospital or there is a National emergency.

DH then deals with DC For two or three nights while you rest. When DC asks for milk, the answer is ‘no, it’s gone’.

You carry this on when you get back.

They can smell the milk on you and you need to remove yourself from the situation.

No ifs, no buts, this is what you need to do. Toddlers don’t NEED breastmilk or to breastfeed. You need to stop for yours and Everyone’s benefit.

No one needs breastmilk but it's still beneficial to breastfeed.

Don't tell another woman to stop breastfeeding. The same way you wouldn't tell another woman to stop ff.

Well I did think the ‘I am broken’ from the OP. Was quite concerning.

I’m pro breastfeeding. But I’m even more pro-good mental Heath.

Sometimes people just need to be told that it’s ok to stop. Perhaps I should have phrased it that way. There are no medals for breastfeeding though.

She’s broken. She’s allowed to stop. Telling her this situation is normal doesn’t help!! What is “normal” anyway??
OP if you are ready to stop bf that’s absolutely ok, your toddler will be fine without it. And yes they certainly can learn to sleep without it.
Going away for a few days would help to begin the process, but you will need to be strong when you get back. If you can’t go away then you will need to decide if you will cut some feeds or go cold Turkey.

@MissyB1 I completely agree.

@MissyB1

She’s broken. She’s allowed to stop. Telling her this situation is normal doesn’t help!! What is “normal” anyway?? OP if you are ready to stop bf that’s absolutely ok, your toddler will be fine without it. And yes they certainly can learn to sleep without it. Going away for a few days would help to begin the process, but you will need to be strong when you get back. If you can’t go away then you will need to decide if you will cut some feeds or go cold Turkey.

She doesn't need anyone's permission to stop.

Try researching why sleeping through isn't biologically normal.

www.facebook.com/themilkmeg

Hi OP, if I were you, I would ask for a prescription for Melatonin for your DC. It works like a dream for our previous non-sleeper.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and answer. I appreciate it! On the back of this DH and I had a heart to heart and we both admitted we were concerned where our relationship is going and we had a heart of heart about the sleep situation and we can hopefully start moving forward. My lo also got a rash and it's now confirmed hand foot and mouth so a lot of the behaviour that has escalated in the last few days makes sense now.

Will re read the responses to DH so we can work on our plan for us and lo!

@EatCakeBeMerry

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and answer. I appreciate it! On the back of this DH and I had a heart to heart and we both admitted we were concerned where our relationship is going and we had a heart of heart about the sleep situation and we can hopefully start moving forward. My lo also got a rash and it's now confirmed hand foot and mouth so a lot of the behaviour that has escalated in the last few days makes sense now.

Will re read the responses to DH so we can work on our plan for us and lo!

Hfm?

Is that from the nursery as well?

HFM is rampant in our area at the moment. I’m in the same situation with a now 2 year old covid baby and I think we are both in for a tricky winter of virus after virus for the little ones.

Btw, the book how not to hate your husband after kids is good for you both to read.