Should I take my DD out of nursery?

[Whatshouldidonextweek]

My 1 year old DD has had a 1 hr settling in session and 3 nursery sessions. She is there two mornings a week.

I'm retraining so studying at the moment but will need to start around 15 hours a week relevant placement experience in the next few months. I might be able to do some weekends and evenings when DH is home but it is tricky.

We decided to look at nursery as also have DC1 at school and was finding it difficult to find time to study and conscious that I will be need to get the experience this year and that it might be better to settle her somewhere now while I can be on hand to pick her up early if needed rather than being out all session and not able to do anything about it, but now I'm really unsure if it's the right thing to be doing.

She seems very unsettled each time. She had an hour settle and then has stayed about 2 hours for each other session, including her normal 30 minute nap for the last two. The nursery have called me each time and said she is quite upset. Each time I've got there she's been sobbing, and I think she has lost a bit of confidence when we go to new places as she's worried I'll just leave her there. The nursery have said she has ok moments, but is upset in between. I always ask if it's better for me to leave her a bit longer there to help her settle as I don't want to get in the way of the process and each time they've said it's up to me but she is quite upset.

Part of me thinks it's better to settle her now while it can be gentle and I can just collect her after her nap (I can't get any much study done but it doesn't really matter) and part of me thinks it's not right and I should pull her out and wait until she's a bit bigger and I have definite work lined up.

The nursery is great and I have several friends whose children have been there from babies to preschool, but it breaks my heart to leave her sobbing there two mornings a week when she could just be out at playgroups with me - especially when nursery costs a fortune and is coming out of savings for now. On the other hand I do need to retrain and it will benefit her in the long run.

I don't know whether to try a few more sessions, look for an alternative setting or just wait until she's older. Any advice is really welcomed! I try to be positive with her when we go and hand her over confidently to help her but when I get home I literally sit by the door in my shoes and coat working on the laptop waiting to go and get her. She's a sensitive little thing and I hate leaving her. Other children I know in for a couple of mornings seem to have settled really quickly (I've seen them when I've gone in to collect her) but DD just seems really unsettled - they are all so different

That is a really tough one OP. Could you say to the nursery that you’d like to spend more time there settling her in? And if that doesn’t work, could a childminder suit your DD better perhaps, where I imagine the environment is less hectic and “full on”?

Could you join her for a bit in the settling in sessions?

Personally I don't think she's been there long enough to expect her to be running off merrily. I'd give it a bit longer and see if she settles. Takes some kids longer than others.

Good idea to settle her while you're on hand to pick her up early if need be.

Are you able to attend the settling in sessions with her?

I agree with the previous poster she hasn't been there long enough to have settled yet. Becoming accustomed to it will take time and unless the days are spread outvby only going 2 mornings a week there is also a huge gap in between her going again so it's almost as if she is having to resettle every week.

Practically if you need to retrain soon then it will probably be easier to get her used to nursery the younger she is but equally from your post it's quite clear you do t want her to go so I'd also wonder if she's subconsciously picking up on that and that's part of the problem. In which case it's possible she will find it hard to settle no matter when you send her.

I'd look for a childminder instead so that it's more of a home from home and a relationship with one key person and maybe a couple more children. My children went to a wonderful childminder who became like a family member to them so it was a great stepping stone to separating from parents in a nice easy way before making the big change to school.

It’s a bit soon to call it.

Mine took a good few weeks of full time until they’d run off happily without me.

We recently had one new toddler join and he would be stood howling on the doorstep each day and I felt so awful for them but his mum needs
To work - so she’s persisted and he runs in now and seems to love it

If you need the time to study you need it and therefore you need to persist.
Lots of short sessions. See if you can stay with her for some. She’ll soon get it.

It’s so hard though

I also agree with the poster who said maybe she's picking up on your uncertainties - what are drop offs like? Do you stick around, seem anxious etc?

You just need to happily say bye and that you will be back at x time, hug and leave. If you feel upset etc you can have your moment outside in the car off wherever - at least then she won't be picking up on it.

Also agree with the fact that as it's 2 mornings a week, it's going to take longer to settle in as it's not an everyday occurrence.

Thank you for all these helpful posts. I'm really calm and upbeat when I drop her off, I hand her over confidently, wave goodbye with a smile and just leave. But yes of course it's possible she's picking up on it any worries anyway, although I do try to disguise it

The first time (settling in) she was actually really happy at first apparently but then seemed to realise I'd really gone and got really upset. The next time she was happy to walk over and cuddle the staff before getting upset as I walked out and since then she's been upset as soon as we walk in

I did look at childminders and perhaps could look at that again. I love the nursery, think it's a very nice calm environment, small groups etc but just feel like it's really hard on her. If we could do more regular sessions at first to settle her I would but two mornings a week is a stretch already. I'm just not sure what to do for the best

I asked if it was normal and they said yes, and I know most children do really enjoy it once used to it

The two mornings are spread out and I don't think I'm allowed to stay unfortunately

I don't think I'm allowed to stay unfortunately

How come? I’d understand if she was starting secondary school, but she’s a 1 year old child (well, baby really) who’s struggling to settle and is upset. The nursery should allow you to stay IMO.

lllllllllll
I work in a private nursery and parents aren't allowed in due to covid restrictions. This isn't the nursery rules this is Care Inspectorate ( Scotland )

So she’s been there only 4 times? That’s nowhere near long enough to make any sort of call about whether or not it’s working. But yes it’s a distinct possibility that she might never settle properly with that pattern. I don’t mean to be negative but no nursery I’ve ever come across would allow this. I’ve looked at a few and the minimum is typically 3 mornings or 2 full days. If you really can’t afford more hours then a childminder might be better as the home environment will instinctively be more familiar.

I appreciate it's too early to expect her to be toddling confidently in, but if for example as others are saying the pattern isn't enough for her to settle in the long run I'd rather stop now than put her through it. Several friends have babies who started at the same age for two sessions a week (one is in one day a week) who seemed to settle quickly but it's difficult to know - there's pictures on the app of her smiling a bit and sleeping and if I just saw those I'd say she was fine.

I really do need to retrain now if I'm going to, but I'm wondering if we can work the work experience around DH's job somehow. The study time would be very useful but I can scrape by without it. It's a shame we don't have family nearby

My two only did 2 mornings at the beginning at nursery. I agree with pp it is far too early to be settled, I would give it at least 2 months. Does she do this to anyone else that drops her off? Does she spend time in other settings ( nanny/ friends) with out you?

I guess I just feel like two months of her sobbing isn't worth it in our circumstances and I don't want that if I can avoid it, on the other hand if I am going to need to I feel like I'd rather start now while I'm nearby and can get her if I need to

She's been out with DH without me and played with grandparents while I was upstairs working but that's it

Separation anxiety is very common at this age and as harsh as it seems you need to make this work, as it may lead to greater problems eg school refusal, draining yourself, relationship issues. My first at 6 still shows this at times and there are age appropriate techniques to use. I suggest you look into them before giving up because at the moment that is the easier option but long term it won't be sustainable. I probably sound really harsh, I'm not trying to be, it is great that your daughter loves and trusts you, but she needs to learn others can care for her too.

@Whatshouldidonextweek

I guess I just feel like two months of her sobbing isn't worth it in our circumstances and I don't want that if I can avoid it, on the other hand if I am going to need to I feel like I'd rather start now while I'm nearby and can get her if I need to

She's been out with DH without me and played with grandparents while I was upstairs working but that's it

Maybe this is part of the issue as well though - that you know you could get her if you need to which is why you are wavering.

If you were going to work or had other plans directly after drop off you wouldn't even be able to waver as it would be a case of she has to get used to it because you need to get on and do what you're doing.

Just keep on I'm sure she will be fine soon :)

Separation anxiety is very common at this age and as harsh as it seems you need to make this work, as it may lead to greater problems eg school refusal

@CatRatSplat The OP’s child is 1. Just because she’s not settling at nursery at this very young age, does not mean she will have issues later down the line. She has another 3 years until she starts school!

I think I will try again tomorrow and then decide. I agree with poster above that's it's not necessarily a problem at this age (except if it stops me retraining which I guess it can't really). My eldest didn't go until nearly 3 and although she was upset at the first session she was fine by the second, and she understood when I said I was coming to get her and that by the time she got to snack time it was only a bit longer until I came etc.

DD2 doesn't have a clue and seems to sob through most of the session and I feel has lost some trust and enjoyment of attending new things I am present for as a result. Saying that I'm sure she would settle eventually, I guess I'm just trying to weigh up if it's worth it or if a few months will make a difference.

I think by 2 it's definitely beneficial but I can't really wait that long

@lllllllllll many apologies if my post was misconstrued, I'm only speaking from experience. Not every child is the same, I can only speak from my experiences. Having learnt the techniques early and more age appropriate ones as children get older it has reduced the number of time I personally have issues, it started similar to the op, with a same age child, so was trying to share my experience 5 years on.

Your DD will naturally gravitate to one staff member. If the nursery is good they'll swap them to be her key worker. They'll be comforting her and gradually getting her confidence back - it's all part of nurserys job. It must be awful for you. But should be telling you what to do or staying or quick goodbyes. Doesn't sound like they want to deal with it from your OP?

I'd be inclined to hold off from nursery, wait a little longer, if you can. Not all parents have the luxury to do that, but if you can I think it's worth just being there for you child until she is more ready.

@Whatshouldidonextweek what did you do in the end ? I'm in exactly the same position, retraining and have placement starting soon. My little one is unsettled and it's heartbreaking to watch.

Is a childminder/nanny ething you can look into? My eldest was NOT ready for a nursery setting when she was a year old, which confused/upset me at the time as other babies I knew through NCT settled quickly. She did go when she was 2, and I've got to be honest it never fully suited her. When she was 3 we found a preschool and it didn't have any under 3s so was hugrly calmer and more structured - that was what was right for her. The noise and excitement/chaos of a room of other babies/toddlers was just too much for her. She's 6 now, and it's clear she's quite introverted - she loves having the odd chat with people, particularly adults, but she like her own company and spends a lot of time happily reading and drawing.

Perhaps your child is just not ready for such a change of setting just yet?

Sorry. Hadnt realised it was an old thread. @elodiesmith I recommend looking into a child minder or nanny. We have a nanny for my youngest 2 and that has been brilliant for us, by i appreciate that can work out more expensive than nursery/childminder.