Always arguing

[teddysmummyx]

My husband and I have literally been at each other's throats the last couple of weeks. DS is a month old and most nights we argue over something or another. Usually if the baby is crying he half wakes up (not making much sense) and can be really argumentative and unreasonable. Don't get me wrong when baby has been crying and not settling things always get tense and I can sometimes be snappy. He's always been a bit precious about sleep but we spoke about how sleep will change once the baby came and he will sometimes be disturbed. He was great at first now he has an attitude that I should sleep downstairs with the baby, which I'm not doing as he needs his cot and I can't sleep on the sofa every night. If he's been a dickhead in the night he will act very ashamed the next morning and apologise, but I just can't keep going through it at night and I especially don't want our baby to be exposed to arguing and negativity between us. He is such a calm baby as we have always made sure he lives in a calm and nice atmosphere so I don't want that to change. I do all the wake ups in the night during the week as he goes to work and he helps a bit at weekends to give me a bit of sleep and I never ask him for help in the week. I just think it's tough shit if you wake up, get some ear plugs if you don't like it. Am I being unreasonable?

Don't you have a spare room? Some women will say he should do some night wakings too...as you're looking after the baby all day alone which IS work...but I can't say that as your arrangement is a bit like the one DH and I had. He worked in a physically demanding job and was knackered...so I did night wakings all week and he'd do them at weekends.

I slept in the spare bedroom with the moses basket and then the cot.

As DD got older, she stopped waking so much....and I'd just go in when I heard her on the monitor.

I mean...you must have another bedroom no?

I should elaborate...there's no point both of you getting no sleep. So if nights are yours, you and the baby should sleep separately to him. Then he can do it on weekends. He shouldn't act like an arse but I do a bit of that if I'm woken. I get quite emotional.

We've slept separately after both kids but DH moved into our spare room rather than me because I'd just given birth. He should be sleeping on the sofa if that's your only option.

Realistically you can't keep on having nightly arguements in front of the baby so you need to both sit down and talk about it rationally.

@RedwineforSantaplease

We've slept separately after both kids but DH moved into our spare room rather than me because I'd just given birth. He should be sleeping on the sofa if that's your only option.

Realistically you can't keep on having nightly arguements in front of the baby so you need to both sit down and talk about it rationally.

Yes, DH should be the one to move in reality. In our case, I moved because we wanted to put the cot in that room anyway and there was room for the old single bed for me still anyway,

Yes he needs to move - you cannot have a one month old baby sleeping downstairs on a sofa he needs his cot.

He cant keep being unreasonable he needs to think of sorting it because it sounds as if he is a normal 1 month old

Lack of sleep does terrible things to people but it's totally unreasonable (and highly unsafe!!!) For you to sleep on the sofa with the baby. The baby needs its cot and you need a fairly comfortable space to make the most of the little sleep you get. DH needs to sleep on the sofa (or somewhere else).

I went through the same thing arguments wise. I think many new parents do.

Remember that sleep deprivation is really hard to endure. For both of you. It leads to us being irritable, angry even, and it’s easy to take our frustrations out on others. You’re bound to be snappy.

YANBU though - it’s unreasonable to be sent to another room to sleep. That’s not okay. He is out of order to expect you to bear the brunt of sleepless nights with a newborn. Plus, it can be dangerous to sleep on the sofa with a baby. So he needs to get a clue and start prioritising you and baby.

I’ve found that arguing like this can be fixed by having listening conversations. Sit down together when baby is sleeping. Face each other. Take it in turns to say exactly what you’re feeling, then what your needs and wants are. there should be no interruptions here. One speaks, the other listens. Then, acknowledge each other’s feelings. Discuss what you can each do to accommodate the other person. It can be effective, but if he won’t engage, set clear boundaries. He can go sleep on the bloody sofa! Honestly! What a dick move.

We have a spare room but it's the nursery, the big cot is in there and no spare bed for an adult.

He needs to sleep on the sofa, and he needs to feel ashamed at asking you to do so when you're the one handling all the nights.

Take the big cot apart
Get a mattress for DH in the spare room (can get cheaply second hand)
You won’t be putting DC in the nursery for some time and if DH doesn’t help at night then no point him being in the same room, so that room should be a spare room for now
Or he can go on sofa

It is absolutely beyond unreasonable to expect you to go on the sofa, you’ve recently given birth and are up and down with the baby

Good luck. Some people are awful with broken sleep but he needs to get a grip on it because it is not acceptable to be horrible to you and he actually needs to do more at night not less.

Dismantle the cot, put a bed in the nursery, sleep separately for 6 months. Men are weak creatures who can’t deal with lack of sleep. Honestly, it’s not worth the drama they create if you try to get them to do a fair share.

Telling you to sleep on the sofa is 100% a dick move though and he needs to hear that loud and clear.