Struggling with anger towards my toddler

[Mamabear04]

My DD is 24mo and up until a few weeks ago has been a really good toddler but recently she has been pushing back on everything and it seems like everything is a fight. I know this is normal behaviour but I am really struggling with anger towards her and I find that I am losing my patience really quickly. I just get so annoyed because she understands everything but refuses to listen. Up until this point I've found that explaining why she has to do something ie "you have to hold my hand because you are very little and the cars can't see you and they could bang into you and hurt you and I don't want you to be sore" has worked really well but now she doesn't listen and instead kicks off. I'm just so annoyed at myself for getting angry when usually I can keep calm. Everything just seems a fight and I'm finding it hard to navigate not giving into what she wants all the time because I don't want her to think if she screams then she will get what she wants. I'm also in the early stages of pregnancy and I know my anger is heightened. Today I was working all day and then 10 minutes after we got home she threw a toy at the tv on purpose so I put her to bed early because I was so angry. My OH has been great in stepping in when I need a time out but I just feel like I am being a shit parent and I'm worried about how to cope with a toddler when the baby arrives

She's 2 not 24 months 😬

It's normal OP - you're heading into the terrible twos and I've found with girls they are especially obstinate and wilful. I'd love to say she'll grow out of it once she's 3 but i found age 3 and 4 is a special kind of hell now they have a full vocabulary

@4amstarts

She's 2 not 24 months 😬

It's normal OP - you're heading into the terrible twos and I've found with girls they are especially obstinate and wilful. I'd love to say she'll grow out of it once she's 3 but i found age 3 and 4 is a special kind of hell now they have a full vocabulary

There’s quite a difference in terms of development and behaviour expeditions of a just turned two year old who is 24 months and a very nearly three year old who is still two but is 35 months. As the OP is asking about behaviour and development, I think it’s pretty useful to give the age in the specific months in this instance.

I'd recommend looking at the Instagram pages 'biglittlefeelings' and 'transforming toddlerhood'. They help you understand your toddlers brain and give you tools to work through their tantrums to better understand their feelings rather than seeing every tantrum as a battle. Those and 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen to kids will talk' and 'there's no such thing as naughty' have been really helpful for me.

Not trying to come across as patronising by throwing lots of resources at you, it's just that I've found these very helpful. Perhaps they're not for everyone, but hopefully you'll find them useful.

Oh OP it is so hard. My LO is the same age. From your post, it's clear you know that her behaviour is normal but perhaps you are less resilient than you ordinarily would be because of your pregnancy. I bet you're knackered and when you were pregnant with your first I bet (like me) you could just get home from work and crawl into bed. I'm sure you know all this but I find it helpful to avoid saying no if I possibly can 'later, tomorrow, how about this instead' etc. I'm not sure my LO would have the cognitive ability to link bad behaviour with the consequence of going to bed early (but maybe yours is more advanced). I think trying to alter her routine would just cause me more stress and annoyance as she'd do more complaining. Have you got any support? Is it possible to talk to your partner about carving out a little bit of time for you to just lie in a darkened room when you get back from work?

@CallMeRisley thank you for explaining to OP why I used months instead of years

@Alitlebitsleepy thanks for these recommendations. I guess I've been a bit smug and not really thought about reading up on this but now think I do need to

@TradedAtlanta it's true! I miss being entirely selfish when pregnant! my OH is so good and always encouges for me to take time out. The problem is probably me in that i think I'm the epitome of a mum meme - need a break but want to spend every moment with my kid. I also feel incredibly guilty because I only get to see DD for half hour in the morning and an hour before bed when I am working. On top of that I only work part time and my OH's job is relentless - he doesn't even take lunch breaks. So I feel like if I take time out then I'm making things difficult for everyone else. My parents look after DD x2 days a week and I feel guilty asking them to do more...

To be honest, at that age, any attention is attention, they just want lots of it. You have to be firm, but anger is no use to anyone. I say that as someone who gets angry a lot. It's a daily struggle. Recently when 'triggered' I try to stop myself and say my mantra to myself - 'I am a good mother. I am kind.' My anger voice has come down from shouty to squeeky mixed with exasperation, but it's an improvement. Also, you can walk away and give yourself a minute. Breathing exercises help too. I had a baby and a 2 year old, in a small flat, in lockdown. I think I have PTSD from the whole thing, but now, kids at nursery, has her moments but otherwise great, and so is the baby - though now she is soon to turn 2... Oh dear

Oh it’s hideous isn’t it. I’m a very experienced primary teacher who can control an entire assembly of 210 children with a look, yet my own child basically laughs in my face.

Now I’m on mat leave with DD2, and DD1 is just about to turn 3 and - hopefully - coming out of the other side.

Things that helped (taught to me by an EYFS teacher friend):

• Reduce language right down to prevent overload, e.g. Hold hands, cars are dangerous. Even if she has excellent understanding, when faced with big feelings they need as little outside input as possible.
• Give two acceptable choices each time and don’t waver, e.g. Hold my hand or I carry you. Hand or carry? If she won’t choose, calmly choose for her.
• if you choose to go down the consequences route, make sure they’re natural and you stick to them, e.g. If DD1 refuses to put her shoes on, I calmly (while swearing profusely inside) say ‘Put them on, or we won’t be able to go outside’ - the action is linked to the consequence. Always, always give a consequence that you will follow through on.

I am NOT a parenting expert, however my friend has some kind of magical power to get small children to do what she wants so I consider her an expert!