Hiya, we found all carrot no stick worked for our fussy eater. (And by that I don't literally mean only feed her carrots 🤣 )
It's almost always about control - so let them think they have it. There are no "winners" in proving that parents are "boss".
Always have a genuinely tempting pudding waiting. Really good if it's something they have picked themselves. Everyone verbalises what a lovely pudding it is and how the little one is definitely going to get to eat it because they're going to absolutely smash the main course. Now is not the time to be a sugar Nazi.
Don't say "if you eat it, you will get pudding" instead say "you're going to love your pudding and I know you'll be enjoying it soon because I know you're a very good eater!"
When they start fucking around, you explain that the pudding is still there, it still belongs to them, and if they don't eat their main, they're the one making the choice to not get the pudding.
Don't mention nursery, don't mention last week, don't mention tomorrow. We found that our fussy eater lacked the self awareness for delayed gratification until he was about 5. All that matters is the meal right now and the pudding that is waiting.
Sometimes we would "back down" and agree that there was "too much" of something. And we would then remove some food from the plate. But we didn't do this every night, only with meals he really struggled with and when we could see how hard he was trying. (Remembering now him gagging on soft stewed carrots because he was so desperate for his kinder egg 🙊) This little alteration made him feel like we were really listening, rather than just expecting the same result every night.
Start the meal earlier and be prepared to sit at the table for a while. Talk about loads of different things with them and don't just talk about the food they aren't eating. But every few minutes, remind them of their next bite. Never let on that you have other shit to be doing instead of sitting there with them arguing over mashed potato. This is like announcing "I'm going to give up soon, if you just hold out a little longer!"
The results aren't instant - it's a long slog but it's worth it for a good eater. They won't immediately come around to the new rule, expect tantrums. Hold fast. Make the amazing pudding available again tomorrow and start again. Don't remind them of yesterdays "failure" and don't make any meal too challenging. Eventually, they'll actually get the pudding and then it's time to really celebrate! Make them feel incredible. Keep talking about it. High fives and clapping!
Then the next day, start again with another amazing pudding and don't keep banging on about yesterday. Every single dinner time is a fresh chance to prove themselves, with no talk of mistakes or comparisons to when they did "better" yesterday or at nursery.
We sometimes used other things like a late bedtime or some screen time if that works better than pudding - and then you have to follow through on the promise. We also started doing bath time first because bath time after a dinner tantrum is hell. (Yes this sometimes mean ketchup on PJs, but who really cares??)
Other tips:
~Use bigger plates to make it look like there's less to eat.
~Separate foods so they don't touch.
~Allow her to use her fingers if she wants.
~Call her in a few minutes before, so she can see it coming together and you can talk about how delicious it smells. Fussy eaters take umbrage at entering the kitchen and finding a plate of "what is this?" just sitting there.
~Keep the rules the same when you eat out.
~Sometimes you will have to give them back up good before bed, because they didn't eat dinner and you can't let them go hungry. Never let this be biscuits or fruit or crisps. Never let it be an improvement on dinner. We would give bread and carrot sticks or a pot of porridge. Something that they eat without any refusal but which is not a treat.
Our fussy eater is now our "super star eater". His favourite foods are curry, shellfish and game birds! (He's 7 now) People meet him and say "I never would have eaten that at 7" and it makes us all very proud.