I need help to do this!

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

3 year old and 1 year old. I can't seem to manage any activity at home. Either the 3 year old upsets the 1 year old. Or he wants to play with something the baby can't have and then the baby just wants that. Or he hurts her (usually accidentally but even so). Or he hurts himself. Or the baby won't be put down. Or one suddenly needs the toilet or a nappy change. The 3 year old sometimes just totally refuses to cooperate and just won't follow instructions.

If I manage 3 minutes of them playing something happily it's a result. But the nanny manages no bother

It ends up a shouty, crying, miserable household where I'm dragging the 3 year old upstairs to do whatever he refused to do.

I'm exhausted and just feel utterly beaten. I want to be with them - I work 3 days a week - but I'm obviously shit at it.

No advice but just to say I have a 3yr old & a 1yr old and I often feel the same. It is exhausting. One of them is always getting not enough attention. It’s a cliche but if it’s getting too much I try to get them out for a walk, even if its with 1 yr old in sling or back carrier & 3 yr old in pushchair. The only thing I have found that has improved things is designating baby nap time “mummy & (older dc)” time so the 3yr old knows they will get some 1 on 1, if they want to do something that won’t suit the baby I say “what a good idea lets do that in mummy & (x) time!”
Hopefully someone will be along with some better advice for both of us!

The first thought that popped into my head (my first two were two under two) when they were this age, is a bath! I used to sometimes put them both in there if tempers were frayed, with bath crayons and pouring toys etc.

Even better would be if I ran a bath in preparation for after a painting session- if you can handle the mess!

I’ve had two sets this age (first set are now 9 and 8, 18 months apart!). It is hard work - my 3 year old is at Pre school 4 days a week otherwise I would go mad!! On Fridays we got out all morning, back for lunch then the 18month old has a nap and then it’s time to get the older ones from school. Honestly no point in doing anything at home together - go to a park/soft play/playgroup/cuppa with another mum just to get you out for the morning!!

I have a slightly bigger age gap but something that I find can be effective is to buy my youngest age appropriate toys but ones that older dd will be interested in too. For instance dd6 wants to be a fashion designer, so I got dd(nearly 2) one of those aqua doodle dolls where you can design the dress. Because they both have an interest, it keeps them both occupied for a short while. I also try to get library books that are age approoaite for toddler dd (lift the flaps/that's not my...) but again linked to something that older dd likes so she is then happy enough to spend some time pointing things out to dd or listening while I read to her. Obviously I don't do it all the time, but gives me a couple of opportunities for them to play together in the day

I feel your pain, genuinely. Mine are 17 months apart, now nearly 4 and 2 1/2. I struggle with similar things, fights break out over that one toy they just both need at that minute, hair pulling in the 3 seconds my back is turned, it's relentless! I have no advice but know you're not the only one and it will change. My daughter will be at school in September so I'm trying to enjoy the chaos as much as possible! Sending lots of understanding!

Thanks everyone. I just feel so useless. I literally spend the day giving them food, wiping it up, trying to always prepare DS for what is about to happen, wiping bottoms, putting down for sleeps and soothing tears.

It just all feels much less happy than I thought it would be. Today DS painted while the nanny prepared dinner. Not a chance he would do that with me

I had a just turned 3 year old and nearly one year old last winter lockdown and I found it absolutely impossible to do any activities at home that both could do at the same time, once my youngest didn't want to be in his highchair all the time. Such different needs for each of them at that time, the fights the whinges, oh, it drove me crazy.

Some things they could do together I found were:

Playdoh
Sticker books
Puzzles.

But, this would only be for a very short period of time. It was extremely hard.

Nearly 2 and just turned 4 now and I can say that it has got easier in some respects as they are getting older, we can manage to do some things together.

Keep going and don't feel any pressure to be doing lots of different activities with both, I did feel the pressure die to lockdown and struggled. I needed to relax more about it.

Don't compare yourself to the nanny. It's not that you're useless, it's that they have a completely different relationship with her. Like the way most kids behave better at school / nursery than at home.

I had 2 under 2 as well and I remember some success with aqua draw (age appropriate for both). Or how about completely unstructured play - just sit on the floor, get out a few toys and see what happens? It was usually more successful for me than trying to direct things too much.

Thanks everyone. We do a lot of unstructured play and that does work quite well. It's tricky!