We need some help and I'm hoping someone on here might have some resources or guidance. I'll try to include as much detail as I can so it might be long.
My son is 4, 5 in January and started full time school in Sept.
We potty trained just before he turned 3 in Jan 2020. He got it quickly and was happy to do wees and poos in the potty. He had 1 accident at preschool on a proper toilet as he didn't point his penis down but we talked about that. He had access to a potty there so used that instead. He was starting to use his potty in public toilets and then lockdown happened.
When public toilets reopened he had developed a fear of them. He was already a bit scared of hand dryers but after lockdown it became an absolute terror of them.
Prior to lock down and during it we had him assessed for selective mutism and he was diagnosed when he was 3. During his assessment process he was also screened for ASD but we don't believe he has that. He is a very nervous child when faced with new situations
After lockdown preschool did some amazing work with him on speaking and he now talks freely at school. We've sent him to a really small single form entry school on purpose to help with his speaking and anxiety.
He never used the toilet at preschool after lockdown and would hold it in. It was only 3 hours so he was able to do this.
Out of the house he'd only use his potty and NEVER in an actual toilet. If we tried to take him into one it would lead to a really intense fear reaction. I've had to leave him with strangers outside of toilets before because I've HAD to use the toilet and he's been too scared to even just come in with me.
He's now started school and he's tried to hold it in all day but the past week he's had 4 accidents and just sits in them as he's too scared to say anything. Today I told the TA he'd had an accident (against his wishes)
We can't go on like this. His little sister potty trained easily too and I've been very consistent with taking her to public toilets whenever we're out. She uses the normal toilet no issues.
We're out of ideas and it needs to be sorted so please please please does anyone have any resources or help? We are open to professional help if he needs some sort of therapy to deal with the anxiety ... anything.
We've tried;
Talking about what scares him
Slowly introducing him to toilets taking more steps into various public toilets - takes a long time and will only get him used to one toilet at a time
Huge praise and bribes to use toilets - this did work to get him to use a toilet on a day out recently
Modelling behaviour with his sister - showing how we hold her onto toilets and that we can do the same for him
Modelling behaviour with ourselves - standing up wees and touching toilets
Switching off hand dryers were we can (we obvs turn them back on when we leave)
Refusing to take the potty out with us anymore
To my shame I have got frustrated with him once when he missed his potty and pee'd on his pants. I know that one wasn't the right approach
I'm going to ask if I can go into school this week and try and get him to go in the toilet at school. Not sure if this will be allowed due to covid.
Please help - we're desperate