Lying/Telling truth...punish or what?

[MrsSnape]

Its a bit of a silly story but bare with me.

Basically we opened a tin of quality street a couple of weeks ago and from the off I told the kids that the purple ones were mine but they could have any of the others lol. They did however know that they were not to just take whenever they felt like it, they had to ask first.

Anyway they stuck to this really well however the tin is now almost empty but I wasn't bothered. However, I looked in yesterday and all but one of the purple ones had gone.

I asked DS1 but he said he didnt have a clue where they were so I asked DS2 who said the same. So last night I asked them both again, DS1 still adament that he knew nothing so I said "ok, well we'll just put the tin away now until I find out who was "stealing" sweets.

DS2 then said very sheepishly "I took them and ate them".

So I was stuck...obviously I wasn't really bothered about the sweets, I was more bothered about the "stealing" aspect of it and the lying however I wanted him to know that telling the truth was a good thing and so I didn't go off on one, I just said he was a good boy for telling the truth but I was disapointed at him for taking things without asking.

Did I handle this ok? Lying is a huge bug bear of mine so I really try to drill it in to them that above all else, telling the truth is the most important thing....Or should I have been more harsh on him for taking the sweets in the first place?

but you left the purple ones in the tin!?!?!?!? Why?

That's just asking for them to be taken. I'd have removed them all and stashed them in my own secret hiding place!

I know! I actually considered taking them out in the first place but I thought "nah, they're good kids...they'll be safe" but...you live, you learn! pmsl

I think when something like this happens there can only be one issue. You can't punish/scold a child for one issue twice iyswim.

It depends which one you see as more important. I personally think that lying is the worst, so I would have done the same as you.

My two aren't told off for what they have done if they have been honest. Well, they are told I'm not happy and it was wrong etc but I praise them for telling the truth.

IMO, if I told them off excessively after they'd told the truth it would just reinforce the need to lie in their minds.

So, I think you did the right thing.

I might've made a point later about the chocolates, like 'I really fancy one of my chocolates now, if only you hadn't eaten them, poor mummy' (worded depending on age obviously!!) Just to make sure they knew it was something I was upset about, but at a different time to the honesty point, and not a scolding/punishment.

he did the right thing by owning up, I think you did the right thing

how old are they?

I think you are looking at this very simplistically.

Firstly, leaving sweets around in front of children is asking for trouble in my book - sometimes as responsible parents we have to help them to be good - that includes helping them put tempation out of mind by putting sweets out of the way of them. Otherwise, I think you are setting them up to fail.

Secondly, YOUNG CHILDREN TELL LIES - that is just the way of the world. Helping them to be truthful, is far more effective than punishing them for lying. So in your situation I would have said right at the first point when I asked, please tell me if you took the sweets - I would much prefer not to be lied to, so please tell the truth and that will be the end of the matter. There is an incentive for the child to tell the truth as they can unburden themselves without punishment.

The biggest issue you are left with now, is if you punish lying your child will never again admit to lying - why would they if they know they will be punished for it? What you need to do instead is to calmly talk about how disappointed you are about him lying and that being truthful and trustworthy is very important, so that people can trust you and depend on you to do the right thing. Your child has to trust you too - trust that if something goes wrong he can come to you and admit it without the nuclear option always being invoked.

Finally, I think it is bloody rude to bagsie a particular chocolate in a tin meant for general consumption. Sharing means just that, not keeping the best for your self and bugger everyone else

Sorry. I meant to say I agreed with you about the not punishing but explaining. Not sure if my post comes across quite like that!

It's a tricky one but I agree the lying is more of an issue at this stage - stealing Mummy's chocolates is a bigger thing later on!

DS is 6 and I can tell when he is lying - he's is so bad at it! But I have always said I will always, always be more angry at a lie and that if he tells the truth he will be in a little be of trouble but if he lies he will be in 10 times as much trouble.

(And I like the purple ones too!!)

I think you handled it really well. And then I would have eaten the last purple one in front of him .

We tell DH's DD similar. She doesn't get into trouble for telling the truth, even if she has to own up to breaking/taking something, but will def get it for lying. Not sure what she'll get yet. We've managed to work out when she is lying, as the more you ask probing questions, the bigger the smirk gets.

Lol brownsuga, with my DD it's the 'erm' and looking around her whilst she tries to think of a suitable lie.
She also does the 'repeat the question back to mum and dad to get more time to think' trick.

I wouldn't be that bothered about the lying - children don't have that many resources at hand in dealing with difficult situations, they lie cos they're scared or anxious, I don't see it as a hugely evil behaviour.

And I wouldn't be bothered about them eating the purple chocolates. It's the sort of thing I might do even now . I'd save my anger for when they did something I counted as properly naughty - being mean to someone, say.