Can people be less understanding when your child looks older than they are?

[mag2305]

My son is only just 3 but he's tall for his age and we frequently get comments about him looking more like 4 or even 5. Behaviour wise, he's definitely a 3 year old! But I do think he gets less understanding in general because he looks older. If we're at the park for example, he gets over excited and can be all over other children. So we're often saying to other parents, he's only just 3! Today at pre school, the manager said that my ds sneezed everywhere and was wiping is all over the place (nice!) and that they were talking to him about catching it in a tissue or his hand. Whilst doing this, he was stopped from going outside for a little while. I thought that sounded a bit extreme. I've taught reception and year 1 for years and even they struggle with this! But then the manager said something to me about forgetting my ds's actual age and I thought, yeh, I bet that's why you said that to him. Makes me feel kind of sad for ds.

Anyone else have a child who looks older? What's your experience?

Yes, this is definitely a thing - it happened to me as a child, and it happens to my 3 year old DS now. We're a very tall family, so he, just like me, is the tallest in preschool despite being a July baby, and I really do think it gets forgotten that some of the other children are nearly a year older than him in a way it wouldn't be if he were physically smaller. At school I definitely think expectations were different for me than for the very petite and cute girls, who I always felt were allowed to get away with a lot. That said, I'm not sure how many favours it did them in the long run - having higher expectations may ultimately be no bad thing as a lot of children will either rise or fall to what's expected of them.

I’m sure it happens. I’m pretty tall and a lot was expected of me as a small child. I ended up being quite a serious little thing. It might get a bit easier when he’s at school because the teacher will know his age because they will all be that age iyswim

I worry about this a bit too. My son is 11 months old but looks like a fully fledged toddler already - he's really tall, and he has so much hair we had to get it cut recently which has really aged him. I think he could easily pass for 18 months already!

My mother often says I was judged negatively as a child because I was so tall that people thought I was older than I was and expected me to behave accordingly.

2 of my DC are taller/bigger than average and it's most definitely been a thing for us. People
In public and health professionals expecting their behaviour to reflect the fact they look a couple of years older than they are.

This was particularly evident when my DD (then 5yo) was in hospital with quite a frightening, life threatening illness and more than once a nurse telling her she was 'too old' to be making a fuss about a certain quite nasty procedure. It made my blood boil and I had to remind them on more than one occasion that she'd only just turned 5. To which they said 'well she looks older that's why..' although why you'd tell a very poorly upset child of any age not to make a fuss I don't know!

I had the same when my DS was 18 months and quite a tall, stocky boy. He went in for a small operation and was actually admonished for crying in recovery because 'big boys don't make such a fuss'. Once again I found myself snapping that he's only 18 month old ffs!! And a non verbal 18 months at that.

“ mag2305

With regards to the nursery manager telling me about his sneezing, I was surprised. I've taught early years and ks1 for years and I know children do gross stuff. Yes, you remind them of the correct hygiene, what to do, what not to do, etc, but I wouldn't ever put a consequence in place for that sort of thing unless it was an intentional act. I must admit, I was a bit upset when the nursery manager told me that he was stopped from going outside. And yes, especially at just 3!”

I’d speak to the nursery staff about this. It’s horrible!

I only realised the extent to which people do this when I had my second child, who is short. My first is very tall. People are so nice to my second! My first kid is just as lovely but hasn’t half so much experience of strangers being kind.

Took my 3yr old to doctor last week and he said to him 'stand here and take a deep breath in'. Blank look from DS. I demonstrated so then he started blowing out to try and make the same noise .

I only realised the extent to which people do this when I had my second child, who is short. My first is very tall. People are so nice to my second! My first kid is just as lovely but hasn’t half so much experience of strangers being kind.

I really noticed it with one particular friend because people made so much fuss over her very tiny (and very beautiful) daughter and would comment admiringly on how clever and advanced she was, while they'd either ignore my bigger, but actually six months younger, son or suggest that he was a bit backwards. I always wanted to point out that her daughter was much older than they thought, so it wasn't actually so terribly impressive that she was walking/talking, but obviously that would have made me sound both mad and madly petty, so I kept my mouth firmly shut!

I help run an activity group for infant school aged children and have really noticed that some of the volunteers expect a lot more from the taller children, but also baby the smaller ones. For example, the other week a volunteer made a huge fuss about what a great picture one of the smallest children had painted, helped him write his name on it/take off his apron/clean his hands and brought him his drink/snack. A taller child was just told to write his name on his picture, was his hands and collect his drink/snack from the trolley. The smaller child was actually nearly 2 years older than the taller one. I don't know if it's because people assume that the taller children are older or that the smaller ones look 'cute' and helpless.

I can very well believe you but I think you need to put it down to one of those things. In life, I feel the average person, in any given group often tends to get the best of both worlds, and maximises their potential. So in your example an average looking child within a social setting will neither be expected to be more advanced then their age and made to feel less mature, or be babied and made to feel special as a smaller than average child, and then not reap the benefits as they mature into a preteen because they are no longer considered "cute".
The same goes for educational or sports settings, not struggling but not bored.
I think it just means that it's something you need to be aware of but your parenting choices will be the same as if your child presented as his age. If you feel that his behaviour is positive, something that needs to be encouraged, then reinforce it whether he's 3 or 5. If you don't, then it needs to be discouraged, whatever his age. How you do this depends on you. If a situation arises where he may involuntarily hurt another child you need to intervene before that happens, whatever his age. You wouldn't let a 6 month old "play" with a newborn baby, however innocent.

@Easterndream absolutely, I agree. Yes, I would intervene beforehand if I thought my ds was getting too over excited.

Of course, my daughter is 10 and has asd mentally she is about 4/5 but she looks more like 15! (Very tall) now that she’s got older we get a lot more bad looks and negative comments because people expect her to act a certain way due to her age where they would be more understanding if she was a toddler, she still has meltdowns and throws herself on the floor jumps up and down and screams and people find it shocking due to her age/size where as you wouldn’t think much of a toddler tantrum

Yes definitely. DS2 is 6 but is almost exactly the same height as DS1 who's about to be 9, and he's much stockier (and stronger!) than his older brother. He looks physically a lot older than he is but he's not particularly mature for his age at all. Luckily he's currently almost the oldest in his class which I think helps as "explains" his height but also the overall maturity expectation of the class is pitched if anything slightly lower than his age which I think is appropriate for him.

Also my 12 year old gets leered at by middle aged men which is vile and unacceptable for any woman at any age but seems worse when she’s so young but looks so much older 😒

@MsTSwift

Also my 12 year old gets leered at by middle aged men which is vile and unacceptable for any woman at any age but seems worse when she’s so young but looks so much older 😒

Yeah this is also the case with my 11yo.

@MsTSwift @KurtWilde that's awful! I taught a year 5 class recently on supply and some of the girls in particular looked so much older. The were certainly more developed than me and that's after I've had two children! Lol! But they're still children and should be treated as their age.
That's a whole different conversation about men perving over young girls who they think 'might' be older. It's disgusting and totally wrong. It saddens me.

[quote mag2305]@lunar1 he just gets a bit overexcited and if he's too much with other children, I of course intervene. Most children we encounter actually love my ds because he is so confident, playful and a cheeky chap. If he hugs them or chats to them, most older children find him cute/funny. Parents too.[/quote]
They minute your child started hugging mine at that age would have been play time over for DS1 and we'd have had to leave. He has never liked strangers in his personal space like that.

It's really unfair to wait for it to happen.

I have the same problem. D.C. is 3 but is often mistaken for 6. Behaviour reflects actual vs perceived age

Tbh you just have to ignore the judgment and parent accordingly