Can people be less understanding when your child looks older than they are?

[mag2305]

My son is only just 3 but he's tall for his age and we frequently get comments about him looking more like 4 or even 5. Behaviour wise, he's definitely a 3 year old! But I do think he gets less understanding in general because he looks older. If we're at the park for example, he gets over excited and can be all over other children. So we're often saying to other parents, he's only just 3! Today at pre school, the manager said that my ds sneezed everywhere and was wiping is all over the place (nice!) and that they were talking to him about catching it in a tissue or his hand. Whilst doing this, he was stopped from going outside for a little while. I thought that sounded a bit extreme. I've taught reception and year 1 for years and even they struggle with this! But then the manager said something to me about forgetting my ds's actual age and I thought, yeh, I bet that's why you said that to him. Makes me feel kind of sad for ds.

Anyone else have a child who looks older? What's your experience?

I wouldn't want you telling me his age, I'd need you to stop him being all over my children in the park in all honesty. That behaviour isn't ok at any age.

Children definitely get held to different standards based Upon the age they look.

You also have to factor in that even when people are really focusing on the fact that a child is 3, a 3 year old who is much taller or bigger than the other children does sometimes need to be held to different standards.

We ran into this problem when my dd was really young because she is especially small for her age. Put her on the playground with her same age peers and the average size kids could topple her without realizing. There were a couple of larger boys in her class who could send her absolutely flying with barely a touch. They weren’t trying to hurt her. They weren’t being especially rough. They were just 3 year olds who didn’t realize their own strength.

This persists when they get older too. Dd is a young teen and I still have to explain to people that she is old enough to do things. It’s going to be hilarious when we go to get her driving learner’s permit next year.

@HoppingPavlova

I meant following other children around at the park with non stop chatting to them. Sometimes he even hugs other children whether they want to be hugged or not. Or he'll give them a stroke on the head. He just loves other children and wants them to play with him but I think other children find him a bit overwhelming. He's very confident.

You do know this is not okay for some kids right, and they are being hurt as they find it extremely mentally distressing. I had one that, as a 3yo, would have screamed like a monkey, punched your kid in the face and kicked them for good measure if your kid had of acted like that in a park or wherever with them. And I wouldn’t have blamed them.

@HoppingPavlova I'm just saying that my ds can be a bit too enthusiastic and friendly sometimes which just comes from excitement. It's as innocent as that. He's not nasty in any way. I'm always careful to intervene if I think another child is unhappy (which is rare) and will tell me son if so. He's calming down gradually though which is good. A lot of his excitement I think came from not seeing other children for so long during the pandemic. Also, I think what your suggesting about your child reacting by punching and kicking is far more extreme.

@lunar1 he just gets a bit overexcited and if he's too much with other children, I of course intervene. Most children we encounter actually love my ds because he is so confident, playful and a cheeky chap. If he hugs them or chats to them, most older children find him cute/funny. Parents too.

So we're often saying to other parents, he's only just 3!
Why is this happening, if as you're now saying there's no issue either with other kids or their parents?

@DriftingBlue I know what you mean. As much as my son's play is friendly and well intentioned, I'm more cautious when he's playing with children that are of similar age but smaller or maybe younger. My ds wouldn't realise he own strength so I remind him often about being careful. I do have a 4 month old now too so I think my ds is learning about being gentle and careful as he is more aware of his little sister.

@GreyhoundG1rl

So we're often saying to other parents, he's only just 3! Why is this happening, if as you're now saying there's no issue either with other kids or their parents?

Because if my son spontaneously goes up to another child and gives them a hug for example, I might remind him to just say hello, not go straight in for a hug. And if the other parent is nearby, I might say, my son gets a bit overexcited to play when he sees other children, then follow it up with, he's only three. In all honesty, I've never encountered a parent that's had a problem with it, that I can tell.

I have this my DS has always been 98/99 centile for height/weight and looks 2yrs older. Social skillls of his actual age (or less!). I find behaviour is routinely judged more harshly. I used to be really upset as a new Mum when people were like NO WAY when I said his age. I don't care as much now he's 3 and actually find it a bit rude to hear comments like that.

@HoppingPavlova

Just what?!! You wouldn’t blame your son for screaming, punching in the face and throwing in a kick for good measure to a child that was trying to talk/ play with him and potentially hug him? .. that is a really shitty attitude to parenting. I know which child and parent I’d rather have my child around.. grow up.

I'm always careful to intervene if I think another child is unhappy (which is rare) and will tell me son if so.

If you intervened after the fact, once your child has already made my child unhappy and distressed that’s pretty shitty. Also, I wouldn’t expect you to sit there and use my child as some performance parenting moment for you to teach your child things. My child’s reaction would have definitely been a much quicker learning moment for your child if you had of left it to the point mine had become agitated.

All kids are different. I had one who would have smiled and hugged back but who are you to assume every kid wants to put up with your child following them and getting in their personal space and touching them. Some don’t and why should they tolerate this so you can use them as some teaching tool.

All of my kids, irrespective of their reaction to others invading their personal space and touching them uninvited, have grown up just fine, all very well behaved model citizens.

I experienced this in in hospital recently with my 4 year old

She is very frightened of masks over her face, and the nurse was very short with her about other children not wanting to hear her crying, and she needs to "grow up"
The Dr walked in and said " oh dear, i didn't expect a child so big" and began to speak to her like you would a much older child, and became frustrated when my DD didnt quite understand what she was being asked

Really put my nose out of joint, and had to repeatedly say she is 4 and is currently being assessed for SEN, so abit of understanding would have been nice

So I understand OP

I also have this with my 3 year old.

If we're at the park for example, he gets over excited and can be all over other children.

This is why parents of other children have problem with him.

I am related to and know plenty of much taller than average children including one who is also currently 3 that my own DD plays with. None of them act like your son.

You are also going to have to teach him that due to his size people will treat him differently and he has to be careful not to hug or hit, and be careful kicking balls at shorter children.

I have children who have always been above average height and who look older than they are. I understand where you're coming from, although for me I've always found the tricky thing to be when they have refused to walk when out or not wanting to go around the corner in the supermarket, or be in the supermarket and wondering what others think of their tantrums when they look so much older.

However, I would say that by 3 children should be understanding boundaries a bit more. Re the sneezing thing, Ofsted expect good hand washing and cold management, so I expect it's more to do with that. Particularly with the pandemic it's a huge thing in nurseries. I've been teaching children since age 2 where to find tissues, how to blow their nose, where to put tissues and that we wash hands afterwards. They're like little sponges at that age.

@MotherOfAllZipFiles

I experienced this in in hospital recently with my 4 year old

She is very frightened of masks over her face, and the nurse was very short with her about other children not wanting to hear her crying, and she needs to "grow up"
The Dr walked in and said " oh dear, i didn't expect a child so big" and began to speak to her like you would a much older child, and became frustrated when my DD didnt quite understand what she was being asked

Really put my nose out of joint, and had to repeatedly say she is 4 and is currently being assessed for SEN, so abit of understanding would have been nice

So I understand OP

That's awful. You'd think they'd have better understanding of children (and people in general)- shaming doesn't produce the desired results and is harmful to boot!

My pair are tall for their age, but my eldest keeps herself to herself so I don't have much peacekeeping to do there, while her brother is still only one. I have seen people look at him weirdly though, as he totters around babbling alongside three year olds the same size and ask how old he is. Then I get the inevitable- 'Wow, you're big for one, aren't you?!'

Then I get the inevitable- 'Wow, you're big for one, aren't you?!'

This should say 'he gets', though obviously he doesn't respond.

DD is tall for her age - often a head or half a head taller than most of the children in her nursery class so people assume she's older. Speech delay meant people thought there was something wrong and some people could be quite rude about it.

She wouldn't and doesn't like other kids being all over her, and has some of her mates who are the same, they've only just started holding hands after knowing each other for years. You do need to work on enforcing those boundaries about no touching unless it's ok with the other child. Bugs are absolutely rife at the moment and a snotty child lurching towards mine puts me in peak mama bear mode I'm afraid.

I do find this yes. My DD has just turned 5 very recently, she is very tall however and is often mistaken for being 6 or 7. The result of this is that she is often expected to have a level of maturity that she just doesn't have yet.

It's frustrating as I can see people making a very definite judgement about her behaviour when she's behaving like a typical 4-5 year old as they assume she's a much older child. She's very good, gentle with other children, we've made sure she knows that she's a little bit bigger than the other kids so she needs to be careful but obviously she has her moments like all children.

who are you to assume every kid wants to put up with your child following them and getting in their personal space and touching them. Some don’t and why should they tolerate this so you can use them as some teaching tool

Jesus christ. Wtf?!

I think expectations will be higher as people assume he is older. Once they know he is 3 they know though.

Also at 3 he is old enough to start learning and can be told not to wipe snot everywhere and you should be correcting him if he is hugging, patting or chatting non stop at other children.

I have the same with 3yr old, she recently started nursery and took staff a while to get into a rhythm with prompting her for the loo etc as they said they took her for older and were surprised when she had an accident. My elder was the same but more articulate so it could be hard if she had tantrums that seemed younger. I also think it’s a bit much to issue consequences for wiping snot at that age, if it’s a first offence. Maybe if they’ve told him a few times already then yes.

We have this Dd is 13 but looks so much older. When we were in London we were stopped by some model scout people and when they asked her what she did in the evenings her response was “play with my Lego” they were rather taken aback!

She was 10 at the time but looked 13. At 13 she looks 16. Scary times ahead!

Yes always had this with my ds who has always looked older. Can't remember it being too much of an issue except when he was still in nappies at 3 but looked about 5 or 6. I'd get some funny looks while changing him in public.

With regards to the nursery manager telling me about his sneezing, I was surprised. I've taught early years and ks1 for years and I know children do gross stuff. Yes, you remind them of the correct hygiene, what to do, what not to do, etc, but I wouldn't ever put a consequence in place for that sort of thing unless it was an intentional act. I must admit, I was a bit upset when the nursery manager told me that he was stopped from going outside. And yes, especially at just 3!