DD being left out of playdates

[Mum22girls2022]

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, but I am a real worrier as never fitted in at school myself. Dd recently started primary school, along with an existing friend in her class who she very regularly has play dates with. The existing friends mother has another friend at the school, whose dd has also just started the school although in a different class from my dd and her existing friend. The three girls all play together a lot (from what I can gather!) at lunch time etc, and fairly regularly walk back to the car park after school together, playing, and I think my dd considers both the other girls her “main” friends at the school now. The other 2 girls have recently had a couple of play dates together (which they did before they started the school, although prior to school I didn’t know the other mum). My daughter has been very upset that she hasn’t been included which has been heart breaking especially when she has only just started school, and tbh I am a little upset/surprised that the existing friends mum didn’t include my dd, as we see her extremely regularly. Whilst I totally appreciate they don’t “have” to always have play dates together, I’m worried that my daughter in the long run is going to get left out of play dates regularly as they progress through school together. Should I be trying to push other friendships? My dd loved playing with these two girls and doesn’t seem to be forming many other friendships.

Your DD is in reception in a two-form entry school?

Honestly, encourage playdates with lots of other children.

Or you could invite these other two children to a playdate with your DD?

It's really not worth being heartbroken over, and that's the message you should give to your DD as well. 'Oh well, I bet they've had a nice time, maybe we could invite them here one day? Or another friend?'.

DCs are at primary a LONG time and friendship groups of 3 can be really tricky.

Really don't overthink this.

I started out very anxious like you when my DD began school. I quickly got a lot tougher...because you have to.

Your anxiety will show itself to your DD and next thing, she'll also be anxious.

It's ok for kids to invite one child and not another.

What you need to do, is invite both girls over to play at yours...have you done that yet?

Then do a few single playdates AND ask some other girls for playdates.

So don't throw the old friendships in the bin but yes, encourage others.

If you can possibly have a word with DD's teacher, she may be able to suggest another child you could invite...the teacher will have seen who your DD talks to aside from these two girls...and if there aren't any, she may know a child who would benefit from a playdate.

If not, ask DD. "Are there any other girls you'd like to have over?"

The friendships of girls change almost termly....hold tight...it will have ups and downs!

Having one child over is a playdate, having 2 children over is a mini party with excitement and noise levels to match. Invite each of the girls separately to your house and your DD will get invited back. Invite another child that your DD likes from the class to a different playdate. She doesn't need to be sticking to 1 or 2 friends.

My son is in reception and it seems to be the parents who arrange the play dates (ie with the other parents they want to have a cup of tea with etc). So maybe you need to get in with the mum of the other girl and hopefully you'll be invited too. Or invite them along to yours! X

Can you host a play date with one/both girls? Sorry if you already are, I wasn’t sure from your message.

Encourage wider friendships. The two mums are friends so chances are most of their playdates will exclude your dd. Also try to organise them yourself - inviting others to your house is an excellent way of widening your kids friends circles. Invite the parents too and you can make friends yourself.

I tend to keep playdates to 1 child per day, especially at such a young age. This will happen many times, so you better get used to it; it's unlikely to be personal. I recommend asking all the children in the class to come for a playdate one by one to get to k ow them and their parents, which hopefully will encourage many friendships between your daughter and her classmates.

Thanks everyone. I should have added - I actually tried to arrange a play date as a group in half term. The mum I know well said she would speak to the other mum to sort it, but I never heard anything back. And the two play dates they’ve had have happened since then. Which is why I’m starting to see some red flags. I have arranged another play date with another child coming up, I am just so worried that my dd is already so invested in this “group of 3”. In the mean time I presume the other children in class are also making their own friendship bonds. Am I right to be put out? Especially as I have tried to suggest a triple play date and not heard back?

Why did she need to speak to the other mum to sort it? That is a red flag...deliberately excluding you maybe? Or, one is in thrall to the other and afraid to rock the boat.

Ask the "other" mum if her dd would like to play at yours. If they don't arrange it, dump them.

Go on a playdate offensive where you invite a new child every week to play with DD.

It might sound a bit nuts but it's a good way of getting to know other Mums and helping your DD to move on from these girls.

@Mum22girls2022

Thanks everyone. I should have added - I actually tried to arrange a play date as a group in half term. The mum I know well said she would speak to the other mum to sort it, but I never heard anything back. And the two play dates they’ve had have happened since then. Which is why I’m starting to see some red flags. I have arranged another play date with another child coming up, I am just so worried that my dd is already so invested in this “group of 3”. In the mean time I presume the other children in class are also making their own friendship bonds. Am I right to be put out? Especially as I have tried to suggest a triple play date and not heard back?

She probably didn’t ask the other Mum. Could you do it directly when your ‘friend’ isn’t there?

Definitely progress with the other friendships and play dates.

Do you have both women's phone numbers? All you need to do is text both and ask.

If the answer is no...leave it well alone and move on.

We’re in a similar position but the friend is not being unkind to my child. I’m trying to nurture other friendships, inviting different kids over

My daughter was very similar when in reception. There was only one girl she knew from nursery so she played with her a lot, and they both became friends with another girl who lived close to her nursery friend so they ended up walking to school together quite often. My DD and her nursery friend both became quite possessive of this 3rd girl and had arguments over who is her best friend and DD often came home upset about something the 3rd girl had said or done. I know the nursery friend's mum from the nursery days so have had a few playdates with her. I don't know the other girl's mum that well so there hasn't been any playdates (also I secretly dislike the 3rd girl). Instead I have encouraged my daughter to form friendships with other girls and boys from her class, and DH is also friendly with some of the parents and has arranged to do stuff together. So now in year 1 DD has lots more friends to play with and isn't obsessing about the 3rd girl anymore, in fact she hardly mentions her these days.

I would say avoid play dates with 3 at all costs. One invariably gets left out, or there is a lot of argy bargy over who is who’s best friend. Maybe that’s why the other 2 Mums dodged the one you tried to set up - because they’ve had experience of it before? I’d persevere with the 1-1 play dates for now. Ask the existing friend over one week and the new friend on a separate occasion. Why does it have to be all three? Things often go more smoothly when there’s not a group!

Don't treat your DD not being invited as a red flag, meaning this kindly you both need to get over an expectation of being involved in everything that your friends do. They are perfectly entitled to play together with out her. Similarly, your DD can and should have other friends.
Teach her resilience with friendship or else you are both going to find the next few years really tough! Don't just foster this little group, keep your social circle wide and light of touch.
Being heartbroken at being left out is unhealthy, model to your DD a better way to deal with it. Being this insecure will make her more vulnerable to bullying and peer pressure. She can choose how she reacts but it's a skill that takes years to learn.
It's a horrible feeling to be outside of things when you're so new at school and learning how social interactions work, but help her feel confident and grow her self esteem in other ways.
It's tough as a parent seeing your little ones unhappy but friendships are quite fluid at this age and they can go from being besties to falling out and then back being besties again in no time. Don't get too involved as a rule.

Approach the other mum at drop off or pick up and swap contact details - ask if her DD would like to come over an play with yours one day after school in the next few weeks.

1:1 playdates are far easier on the parents (and much simpler to organise) than having 1:2.

You're overthinking it.

I also agree 1:1 works much better. 3 is often tricky!

I wouldn’t to a double playdate, so much easier to just invite one child!

Sounds like they are either unthoughtful or a bit mean.

The other mums are friends so playmate might have been a case of "can jenny come to yours while I pop to shops for a couple of Christmas items, I will take Susie for you next week"

Or one mum popping in for a coffee/wine with her friend and bringing dd along.

It's annoying but unlikely to be a sign of excluding your dd deliberately.

Encourage lots of friendships, explain it isn't personal and don't stress. Also speak to new friends mum directly to organise ay date.

Thanks everyone. I’m going to try not to over think it but ultimately going to try arrange other play dates so my dd hopefully makes other friendships. I don’t fancy sign up at this early stage to potentially a stressful “3” friendships when one is often left out. Hopefully can ver her away to new friends.

Be really careful that your experience of primary school doesn’t affect your judgement here, she isn’t you :) - try to keep it very easy going about friendships, they change fast in lower primary

3 are so incredibly difficult because in order to work you need to have equal friendships rather than one being in the centre - which is what you have now

Indeed group playdates isnt always ideal and you need to have separate ones as well. I think your problem is you dont have the details of the other mother in order to get a playdate there - which might be helpful.

Also encourage other playdates

Don't arrange a triple play date. Arrange with the other girl, not your previous friend.

And arrange plenty of other play dates aswell. Because we can all already predict this might go all wrong.

Invite friend 1
Invite friend 2 for a separate playdate
Invite other kids for separate playdates (ask your DD for suggestions who are not friends 1 or 2)

1:1 works best and in reception it’s a case of getting to know plenty of different children and seeing who clicks