Did anyone else's baby make them hate breastfeeding?

[Bumblebee413]

I'm sat here in tears. My baby is just a year old and in the last few weeks we've started to supplement with formula as she is dairy intolerant and as I've gone back to work I can't express frequently enough and my supply is dropping. I'm too exhausted to express any more either so I'm just feeling like it's all coming to a natural conclusion anyway.

Breastfeeding has always been really important to me and I always wanted to make it to a year. I did that and I'm proud, but I'm hating every feed and it isn't how I want to end things. She has gone through periods of being an absolute jerk at the breast and she's doing it now.

She pulls at my hair, scratches, pinches and plucks at me. At the moment she is nipple fixated, so whichever one I am not feeding from, if I try to feed her in bed, she will stop at NOTHING to get to the other one so she can pull, twist and pinch it. The quickest way to get it to stop, I'm fairly certain, would be to ignore it, but it hurts so much!! I lie covering it with my hand and she digs her nails in, slaps at my hand, pulls and eventually starts screaming if she can't get to it. I can't tell you how very, very angry it makes me. It feels like I'm under attack and it makes me hate her a bit.

I've had periods of this since she was born where she goes through phases and is just a nightmare to feed. We sometimes have lovely peaceful feeds and it's how I want to end things but I just feel so cheated by the whole experience.

I've rarely if ever got as angry as I get with her when she plucks and pinches and scratches at me. I know it's completely innocent and absent of malice, but it's so persistent and I've been so tired. But I haven't heard of this from anyone else. It looks so blissful and harmonious whenever you see it depicted anywhere and it hurts so much when people say it helped them bond, as it feels like it has driven a wedge between us at times and I feel awful. Does everyone else just enjoy the fighting? Is it just my baby? Is it me? I know it's irrelevant as I'm stopping any day now cause I can't take much more. I just really wanted to end on a positive note, but I just feel cheated and like the meanest angry Mum.

I admire you all - my baby would not latch properly despite lactation consultants' help, so I am giving her expressed milk. I am exhausted and wondering whether to stop and just FF... you are inspirational.

@Bravasauce I admire you too! I was 'lucky' in that my daughter never had any problems latching, but feeding itself is such a hug ask that I recognised in myself that if I had had problems at the start, whilst still recovering from the birth, I almost definitely wouldn't have carried on.

To have consulted a lactation consultant, carried and and still be pumping now is such dedication and you should be so proud. It doesn't matter if you switch with the next feed to formula or carry on expressing as long as you do what's right for you and know that you are incredible. Expressing is really tough!!!! X

Brava do what works for you. All of my 3 were nightmares to feed in the early weeks (and months) and I pumped on DD2 for a month and gave up early but I dug my heels in on DC3 and BF for 2.5 years. My advice is to take it day by day. TT especially posterior TT is a very common reason for really difficult BF and it is a tough one to diagnose too. Might be worth a check.

It's horrible when they do that but it is mostly a phase (not that that means you have to push through it).

DS3 is just going into one 🙄

With ds1&2 I found holding their hand/giving them a finger to play with helped. if he wanted to beat my breast I would hold his hand and control the hitting. If they were in a biting phase I would pay close attention during the feed for triggers and only feed if I was sure they were actually hungry (normally it was teething related). I would also stop feeds and explain why if they were doing something that really annoyed me or I'd just had enough of being scratched/pinched/tweaked that day.

The scratching/tweaking/beating etc increases your "let down" so doing breast compressions while feeding may reduce their attempts to fiddle.

I'd stop expressing for them, they can manage fine at 1 though they might switch feed (go back to feeding more overnight).

Go easy on yourself, bf isn't always easy or fun.

To clarify paragraph 3; I would stop a feed. Not that I'd refuse to feed for the rest of the day

OMG my 2nd was the same with constant frantic pinching and digging around when I tried to protect my nipple. 6 years later and I still shudder at the thought of being touched there. It was persistent from about the age of one to two. Thought I had to let you know something to try….. I once saw a review on Amazon for a silly squeeze boob stress toy. One woman said she bought it for her baby to touch while she was feeding. It worked for her!!!!

I hated it. I mean, BFing wasn't something I ever enjoyed and I was rather mystified about why it was meant to be lovely and enjoyable or help you bond. I much preferred giving bottles as that was far more enjoyable and bonding. I did BF to 3.5 years in the end, but at a very low level (3-4 BFs a day from 3mo, 2 a day from 9mo and 1 a day from 18mo).

I also refused to tolerate any biting, grabbing, twisting etc. Mine soon learnt that if she did any of that she'd immediately be removed from my boob with a very firm 'NO'!. I'd allow her to relatch if she was still hungry, but she'd immediately be removed again if she did it again. I also didn't allow pulling at my top to try and access it - she BF latterly in the morning first thing when I was still in my PJs. It's part of the boundaries you need to start setting as they turn into toddlers.

She actually only bit me once - I immediately unlatched her saying 'NO', held her up in front of me, said 'if you do that again you will never BF again'. She gave me a very serious look and never did it again. Which was a shame as I was desperate for an excuse to stop doing it!

Sorry haven't had time to read the full thread, but there's a Facebook group called Aversion Sucks which offers a safe space to talk about this and wonderful support. Please check it out. I really think it will help you find peace.

Ah OP, you're not mean at all. And it's up to you to stop when you feel done - you matter.

FWIW I've had significant bouts of aversion whilst bf both of mine. Sometimes I've recognised it as being about me running on empty, on my period (which always also meant a dip in supply, so DC would ramp up their nonsense to try to get a better letdown at exactly the same time when my tolerance for nonsense was lowest!), and that's helped me grit my teeth and get through. Sometimes it's a sign that something has to change, eg the nursing manners/positioning stuff, and you can also think about what limits you want to impose eg only feeding at certain times or ending feeds more quickly.

With DC1 we had a horrible start to feeding and I found it really hard to shake off the negative baggage that came with that. But I did manage to keep going, on my terms, til he self weaned. Feeding a 2/3yo was much more rewarding than toddler or baby!

DC2 had a much easier start but still did some annoying toddler stuff and as I've been back at work/juggling other stuff I've def had bouts of real aversion. I got v close to weaning her at 3 because of the aversion, then I had some time off work and realised I wasn't ready to wean after all. My milk is obviously going though and I think she'll stop around 4 of her own accord. It's a really nice feeling to come through the hard times, but you've done a brilliant thing already and you don't need to resent your baby.

Do spend some time reading around nursing aversion though, now you know what it's called. There are things which might help, and you might want to persevere and see if it passes soon enough for you to cope with.

God that sounds awful for you! I'd hate that. Don't have any advice but you have my sympathy.

@N4ish

Just find it really hard to understand why women would persist in feeding toddlers while finding themselves pinched, bitten and left in tears. Who is this benefiting? Sounds awful for both mother and child. I can understand battling through a feeding aversion with a one month old but why put yourself through it with a much older child?

Because how do you actually stop? I'd love to stop breast feeding my 14 month old but it's not easy.

Both of mine went through phases of this, mostly biting, but they were short lived. I treated it like I would early toddler behaviour:

• unlatch them and say clearly and firmly ‘No Biting’ making eta contact if possible
• let them re-latch.
• I’d do this up to three times, and then on the third re latch say, as they latched. ‘Last time: no biting now’
• if they did it again I’d unlatch them, say ‘if you want to feed (or whatever we called it) then No Biting. Your not finding that easy. So we’ll do something else’ all in the same clear firm neutral tone.
• and then move on, to whatever would come next. Game, the rest of bedtime, etc.

They soon learned. And it’s part of your child learning mutual respect. At one they are ready for that but need clear consistent boundaries.

How much are you feeding by this stage we were at three, maybe two a day: morning, when I got in from work, evening.

With both of mine the after work one went when it was more fun to play and mess around than feed.

If they don’t want to settled down and feed, maybe they don’t need that one?

If you want to, you can carry on at one or two feeds a day.

Or stopping entirely is fine too.

I had regrets about how my first stopped. We were done to one feed a day but that one meant a lot to her. I stopped it as we were trying to conceive no 2 and I was having short cycles, stopping and chemical
Pregnancies over and over.

But she cried so bitterly it was awful.

I do regret it, in that if I had my time over I wouldn’t have stopped then (it took two more years to conceive a lasting pregnancy so it didn’t help).

But the memory of that has faded and mostly what I remember was all
The wonderful snuggly feeds.

You’re a great mother, whatever you decide.

@miltonj try going away for a couple of night without them to start a new pattern.

They might still cry about it when you come back. If you have the resolve to ride that out, it will only be a couple
Of days and you’ll be done.

Oh yes, breastfeeding aversion is very real. Experienced it with my first but not my second. I absolutely detested feeding him. It was awful. The neediness of it, being touched out. There were points where I wanted to yank my tiny baby off my breast and throw him across the room. It was absolutely awful. Worst at night.

It got better when I night weaned at 14 months.

And if they're over a year don't top up with formula, mine never had any alternative, just twice daily breast milk (am and pm).

I wanted to let dd stop in her own time but I got to a point where I just didn’t want to feed anymore - my whole body was reacting with repulsion. It was a relief to stop but also made me feel terribly guilty. And she didn’t forget for weeks what she was missing out on (I wore polo necks for ages).

It’s such a deeply emotive issue. And very hard to put in words. It sounds like it’s time for you to stop and that’s okay. It really is.

@Bumblebee413 I just wondered how things are going?

Hi @cadentiasidera, sorry for not seeing this sooner. We've stopped now, I think it happened a day or two after my post and it was a little bit of a non event in some respects- I don't think she even realised! My job has long shifts and I had so many in a run that my dh was doing pretty much all the feeds and then I realised that I'd fed her for the last time without even realising.

Which I feel a tiny bit sad about- it would have been nice to have consciously done it, but I'm mainly delighted it was as smooth as it was.

I don't know if I had breast aversion or if I'm just incredibly sleep deprived, or both(!) as I'm still struggling a little if she's fighting sleep whilst on me and clawing about. Either way, I'm still really grateful for everyone's kindness and support here. Thank you xxx

Aww I'm glad that it came to a smooth ending for you. I think it's common not to remember the last feed, I certainly don't, but you can be sure you've done a wonderful thing for her for feeding this long. Hope you get some better sleep and are able to look after yourself a bit too!