I hate MIL

[Dotty08]

Hey!
So me and my mother in law have never particularly gotten on. She is a super controlling lady who I find very hard to get on with. Since I’ve had my daughter I find this even harder to cope with. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t ever want to see her again - and my daughter is only six weeks old. Does anyone have any advice on how to cope? She’s really ruining things for me with her need to take over and control every situation.
My partner has always been controlled by her so he doesn’t help. He just says that’s how she is and I have to grin and bear it.

What is she actually doing that's upsetting you?

If it's quite serious or harmful, you need your partner on your side.

If it's more like she's doing irritating things that grate on you, you might have to grit your teeth and bare it for the sake of your partner and baby...and also for your own sake. I find my inlaws really challenging but they aren't actually doing anything wrong so I visit regularly, send pictures and smile when I see them.

It's hard to know what response is best unless you can be a bit more specific.

Either way, you have my sympathies as it can be hard dealing with inlaws. The tricky things are amplified when you have a baby.

Yeah you will need to give us specifics before we can advise

Sorry guys it was a middle of the night rant and I should’ve been more specific.
So she treats all her children like actual children even though they’re in their 20s and 30s. She questions every single tiny decision me or my partner make. Every job change, every time we want to paint a wall in our house she has something negative to say she drains the life out of me. So of course I was dreading the interaction when we had a child and it’s exactly as I expected.
She’s constantly snatching my daughter off me. I just finish a breast feed and she snatches her away to burp her - and when I say snatch she really does.

My daughter has a heart defect and needed open heart surgery so we haven’t been home from hospital long, we are seeing close family but very careful ie face masks etc. She has been totally unsupportive with this she constantly wants to bend the rules. She wanted my sister in law to meet the baby even though she was full of a cold!! If my daughter gets a cold or RSV she will be back in NICU on a ventilator as she is breathless at the best of times her consultant has told us this.
She makes sly remarks like I had to have a c section as my daughter went into distress and she says I was too posh to push.
Honestly I could go on all day but those are some off the top of my head.
I’m not a sensitive person, I am thick skinned. I make the best of situations all the time and I’m really confident but the way she’s so overpowering and in control always leaves me on the back foot and then later I always kick myself that I didn’t do more or say something!
My partner is constantly looking for her approval too and I guess in a way for him I am too. I want her to just like me, or even just stop questioning every little thing I do. I’m not an unreasonable person I know she needs to be part of our lives but the way she acts just makes me want to run for the hills.
We live around the corner too so it’s not really an option

Just commented something on a broadly similar post.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries!!!!
Put in some with her now before her pattern of control gets set and she thinks she can always undermine you.

Reduce when she can come around.
If she’s rude leave her house.
If she comes to take the baby put you hand up and say “ no, I haven’t finished yet. You can hold her in a moment” and walk off.

Don’t get into discussions and don’t let her be outwardly rude to you. If she is making comments like too posh to push tell her to stop or get out your house.

As a very large aside…..your oh needs to step up. Have a very serious word with him about how you will not accept this continu8ng.

She’s constantly snatching my daughter off me. I just finish a breast feed and she snatches her away to burp her - and when I say snatch she really does.

Tell her if she does that one more time then she is no longer welcome in your house.

I know she needs to be part of our lives

Not if she behaves like that. It is totally unacceptable in any circumstances and your daughter has had heart surgery FFS.

You don’t sound unreasonable at all, in fact you sound very lovely. I can’t understand these MILs who don’t absolutely do their best by their DILs. I have a DIL and in my eyes she can do no wrong. She is a fantastic mummy to our DGC and I fully support her in whatever rules she puts in place for them.

I’m so sorry you are struggling with her. It’s not fair. Does she know how her comments make you feel? Have you explicitly told her?

You are not being unreasonable at all!!!
I would be horrified if my mother or MIL behaved like this.
Belittling a woman's birth experience as "too posh to push" is really nasty. New mums especially new mums especially new mums of babies that need a little bit extra care with surgery etc really need to surround themselves with people who bring positivity and support. I agree with PPs put up some boundaries now. It doesn't matter if you come across as rude, just put her back into her box if she tries to undermine you again.

I'd tell her to piss right off tbh. You can't be nice about it, your child so your rules. Some grandparents need to learn the hard way and be put in their place.
My inlaws overstepped one too many times and we didn't speak to them for years due to it, now back on good terms.

Only stupid people make comments like "too posh to push", I've done both natural and out of the sunroof and all that mattered was safe delivery of baby(ies).

Can relate here. I have over bearing in laws that really grate on me. Constant comments on the fact that we live just less than an hour away. Apparently its too far, we live half hour away from my parents but they want us to move closer to them. So selfishly don't care about my parents. Comments that the baby doesn't know them, they never see him etc we try our best to see everyone. They see him once/twice a week and sometimes we also stay over. Interfering with me breastfeeding, asking when I'm going to stop, telling us to give baby more food. The list is endless. I have no advice really, but just saying I know how you feel. It makes me resent them. And my partner agrees with me and has spoken to them but they don't care

My mil is a narcissist and after putting up with her behaviour for 20 years I've finally gone no contact. Best decision ever.
Your husband needs to support you but he probably won't because he's looking for her approval. Please read about narcissists as it explains a lot.