Really upset with partner, new baby

[TheRealKitKatty]

My daughter is now a month old and since she was born she’s mostly slept uninterrupted from midnight till 7. I’ve been incredibly lucky with her and she’s an exceptional eater and sleeper. Today we had to visit the in-laws who live around 2.5 hours away. My baby slept throughout most of the day due to the car journey each way, whereas every other day she’s mostly been completely awake. Due to this shes woken up in the middle of the night extra hungry and upset. Is this it now? Has this change in schedule meant that her amazing night time sleep of around 6 hours has been lost? I really didn’t want to visit the in laws but my partner was desperate to show off baby. Genuinely really upset and can’t help but be angry with him. Any advice/knowledge would be greatly appreciated

No this isn't "it" now, don't worry. Just keep up the routine that you've had up until now, she'll soon adjust.

I know it's hard when things don't work out, but I wouldn't be getting angry at your partner for wanting to visit his family. You can't live in a bubble and never see anyone, it's not reasonable.

Good luck ! I know it's all a big adjustment with a new baby, but you're doing fine.

Things change night on night sleep wise, she slept in the car so doesn't need as much sleep tonight; tomorrow night she will probably be back to sleeping for longer at night. Suepeisrd a month old doesn't nap a fair bit during the day anyway to be honest. Feels unfair to blame your partner because its his family you are seeing, honestly there are sleep regressions etc and it's not linear, it's just one of those things unfortunately. Guessing a combination of being a new parent, tiredness might be to blame for viewing it this way.

Surprised*

I understand your upset because sleep is so vital.
Maybe next time they should visit you.

I don't think this is it now. But sleep patterns do change quickly. Good luck

Believe me, children routines are not so difficult to return to, as long as you are consistent.

The only thing you need to do is go back to feed her at her usual times and wake her up at her usual times until she is back into track. There will be a difficult cranky day or two while they fall back in schedule but it is not the end of the world.

Bear in mind this may also be a growth spur and even if you had stayed at home, she may have been waking up more often to feed. In fact, I am surprised a baby that young has managed to do 7 hours without a feed for a month as they normally feed every 2-3 hours at that age. Has she been checked?

What is very unfair is you resenting your husband and blaming him for ruining the baby because he dared to drive 2.5 hours to introduce his child to his family.

How frustrating! Yes, I would be raging too, but I really don’t think it’s changed forever. Get back to your routine tomorrow and see how it goes. I found 3 consecutive nights tends to impact sleep routine more, so a one off is okay. But maybe next time they can visit you? Just for now.

As mum to a new baby, it’s easy to feel frustrated at ourselves and others when routine is upset.

It’s no one’s fault, and babies have a habit of changing sleep patterns a lot in the first year, so try not to stress too much. Be kind to your partner, even if you feel annoyed with him right now. Ask him to take baby and give you a break for a nap tomorrow.

If I’m being honest with myself it’s more of a combination of other elements that have made me upset with him. I think the thought of being properly sleep deprived on top of the other issues we are having really upset me.

My baby is very intense during the day and drinks a good 6 ounces almost every hour. I’ve asked the health visitor/gp whether her excessive eating and being awake most of the day and sleeping through the night was normal, and apparently she’s putting weight on nicely and is very healthy, just compensating in the day for the milk she isn’t having at night. The time she’s down at night is the only time I’ve had where I’m not feeding/changing/soothing baby. The thought of not having that time triggered a lot of upset feelings that on top of my exhaustion, just didn’t translate well.

I’ve talked it through with my partner now and apologised for my mood. Still really anxious that her sleeping schedule is going to be completely different. But thank you for the reassurance, definitely made me cry to hear soothing advice. I’ll stick to her normal nighttime routine and we’ll see how that goes.

Its his family so completely fair that he wanted to introduce your little one to them. Sleep changes all of the time with babies so what they do one day, they change the next. I would actually be concerned that you say your baby is awake most of the day. At one month old, babies shouldn't be awake for more than 1 hour or so at a time. They need about 16-18 hours of sleep a day.

I'd get a second opinion if they're never sleeping during the day. If there's one thing you learn about sleep, is that it changes all the time.

You are focusing on the wrong thing here. It sounds like you think things were really good with her routine previously but actually it is really not normal for a one month old baby to be awake most of the day and then sleep 7 hours straight at night. Some babies do sleep good stretches at night but she should still be having at least 3 good long naps during the day. At most she should be awake for about 1.5 hours at a time during the day before napping again. What is her overall routine like?

Also she may be a hungry baby but 6oz every hour is an awful lot. Are you sure she’s hungry and not just comfort sucking? Does she have a dummy? If she is overtired then she may want to suck a lot for comfort. Are you actively trying to get her to nap at set times in the day?

It sounds like being in the car gave her some good daytime chunks of sleep.

I don’t really know why you’re angry with your partner, it’s normal for him to want his family to meet the baby? It does sound like a long trip so maybe they could have met you somewhere halfway but you can’t get upset with him for wanting them to meet her.

I was initially concerned as she would take very short naps, and then wake up super hungry again. But she doesn’t throw up her feed, doesn’t cry unless made to wait for milk due to a nappy change. She does get some down time in the day, just not long stretches. She power naps between her feeds. I raised my concerns with both my gp and the health visitor as I was initially setting alarms and waking her in the night. They said it wasn’t necessary and that she’s healthy enough that her routine isn’t concerning. As soon as she was born she stayed awake with eyes wide open for hours. She even stays awake most of the time in the car.

Do you keep an eye for sleepy cues during the day and try and get her to sleep?

Yeah of course, I should have been more explicit in my post as a lot of people seem to be concerned for her. She does sleep in the day, and I’m not disturbing her or depriving her of sleep.

Don't be angry. You have been incredibly lucky so far with your baby, but luck can change. Babies are developing and growing so fast that their sleep can alter quite dramatically and it is often hard to pinpoint why.

Try and be more kind to your DH, of course he would want to see your inlaws. Although with such a drive why on earth couldnt they come to see you or wait a bit?

I couldn't see that this has been mentioned but please also look up how long a baby should be in the car seat at that age. As you travelled back on the same day, that's 5 hours, which I'm sure is fine as a one off. I'm also sure there will be posters who travelled from Edinburgh to London three times a week with a one week old, but just to say your in laws should be travelling to you if able, not putting that long a journey on baby.

Maybe read up on the info before making the journey a regular thing.

Their sleep changes all the time at this age, for the first few months it will be up and down. The car journey won't cause a permanent change.

That said, your inlaws should 100% have visited you, you only gave birth a week ago!!

How much time does your DH spend feeding/changing/soothing baby?? Presuming he doesn't work seven days a week? If you're exhausted maybe he needs to do more.
DS1 didn't sleep much in the day either, even from being tiny. The GP even commented on how alert he was at his eight week check. Never napped again after one year. Slept all night from several weeks old though.

I think you have been incredibly lucky so far to have a baby that slept so well and honestly that wouldn’t necessarily have we continued.My second child was the same but eventually by one year he hardly slept at all! Make the most of it for now and fingers crossed your baby will drop back into sleep at night tonight

Your worry about the sleep deprivation could well make the sleep deprivation worse. There is nothing worse than counting how much sleep you have/haven't had when trying to get to sleep. I've been there with only 40 mins of sleep at a time and survived.

Take a deep breath and roll with it. No, sleep deprivation isn't nice but it doesn't last forever. If your DC knows how to sleep well now, she could well go back to it easily.

As others have said though, anything can disturb sleep from growth spurts to development leaps. You have no control over this and you need to accept that.

It would have changed anyway, baby sleep patterns never stay fixed for long. Don’t be angry at a father who wanted to share his joy with grandparents.

Newborn sleep patterns change constantly. My baby slept through the night, 10pm til 7am, from about 6 weeks to 12 weeks, then woke literally every hour of the night until he was 8 months. It's great that you have a routine that works for you at the moment, but it won't be the way she is forever, and one out of the ordinary day isn't going to irreparably change it.

I don't think it's fair to be annoyed at your partner unless you told him you didn't want to go and he bullies you into it. It's natural that he would want to show his baby to his family. Perhaps next time they can come to you instead if it's making you anxious.