Dont like my DD

[GoToSleep]

I feel awful writing this but I'm just hoping someone will understand.

I wanted a daughter so badly when I was pregnant with my first child but I got a son. He was great and I bonded instantly with him but then fell pregnant again so longed for a girl, it was another boy. I was diasapointed this time but again, once he was born I wouldn't have changed him for the world.

We decided to wait after that as I only wanted another baby if I could guarantee a girl. I wanted a daughter so badly and I was jealous of people who had girls. Anyway 6 years after having my 2nd son I fell pregnant again and was told it was a girl.

Over the moon doesnt even begin to describe how I felt. I rushed out and bought her pink everything. I spent every minute of every day thinking about her. I was besotted with her before she was even born.

Then she was born and I couldnt take my eyes off her. I suffered with PND slightly but it never changed my feelings for her. However as she began to grow up I felt my feelings for her becomming less. She whinged constantly as a toddler and always wanted "daddy". She had a horrible temper and would scream the place down, throw things and injure herself on purpose if she didnt get what she wanted but I was told this was normal toddler behaviour.

When she started nursery she wasnt very nice. Wouldn't share toys, hit other children, screamed when I left her, screamed when I picked her up, screamed when she got home. She had no friends at nursery but again the teachers said she wasnt that unusual.

Then she started school and she was just the same. Bullied other children, was bossy and nasty. CONSTANTLY miserable, whinged and moaned constantly. She was lazy getting up in a morning, moaned all the way to school that she was tired, would sling her book bag into the road and refuse to move saying I would have to carry her to school. One time a bloke got out of his car and came across and threatened me because she slung her bag at his car and caused him to swerve.

I used to take her to the park and watch her as she roamed around pulling faces at other children, stood at the top of the slide so nobody could use it etc and wonder why the hell she was so horrible.

My son would sometimes take her out for her dinner to give me a break and bring her back early because she was constantly rude, would nag for things and moaned continuously.

Then she started secondry school and she was just the same. Hardly any friends, teachers phoning me saying she'd been caught bullying, parents saying they were going to hit her if I didnt sort her out.

She was scruffy, I would buy her expensive clothes and give her everything to make her look nice and whilst all the other girls came out of school with their shirts fashionably tucked into their skirts and their hair immaculate, DD would stroll out wearing her usual "face", her shirt all creased and untucked, her hair all over the place and I was ashamed of her.

To try and strenghen the bond between us I decided to take her out once a week just the two of us so I suggested horse riding to her and she said "dont like horses"
Ice skating - "cant skate" (I said neither can I, we'll learn together) so she replied "whats the point?"
Saturday art school - "I spend all week at school, dont wanna spend saturday at college
Shopping - "cant be bothered, you go and just get me stuff"
Cinema - "there's never anything on".

I gave up in the end so her dad had a try:
Knowing she's a bit of a tomboy...
Football match? - "too cold"
swimming? - "with you??"
"well what then??" - "why's it so important? just do stuff by yourself!".

I look at her and think I dont like her. I look at her and think "why the hell did I want a girl?" but then I see other girls and she's not like them. Sometimes I sit and look foward to when she leaves home.

Has anyone else ever felt like this about their kids?

hi sorry i have no advice, but i really feel for you and understand you feeling this way, hope someone can help you here

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That was a really honest and brave post, I think.

Read it through again.

What does it make you think? I mean do you think 'Yes, she's awful' or do you think 'I might have got this a bit wrong?'

maybe its nigh on impossible to live up to the high expectations you had of her?

maybe she realised she wasnt the perfect child you hoped for and rebelled. maybe you didnt expect perfection, but you sound like you had pretty specific expectations.... and she just wasnt the person you envisaged. sounds like a mis-communication a lifetime long for you both.

i feel very very sorry for you both tbh. how old was she when you wrote her off? nursery age?

im sorry. i really truly apologise coz ive been harsh... but im saying it as i see it.

and yes, fwiw, i was about to start a thread saying help me please, i cont cope with ds3, hes a bloody nightmare, i love and adore him but i cannot cope with him and i need to find a way to do that.

That sounds very very hard. My third child is a daughter and I do find I can easily get into power struggles with her that I didn't with the boys. She does sound like very hard work. I think you just have to stick with it, ride it out, forget about your hopes and dreams for a daughter and plan for when she's mature enough to have a decent relationship with you. Don't burn your bridges now. Accept the daughter you have whilst also maintaining your own self-respect and insisting she speak to you in a reasonable manner, but look forward to when she is old enough to leave all this awkwardness behind.

There was a most fantastic article in the Times last Wednesday about parents who don't like their children. It was totally looking from the parents point of view, I read it in a Costa when taking a break from xmas shopping and I burst into tears.

I'll try and find it for you, it might help.

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That was very honest of you and things sound very difficult for you.

Have you tried to sit and really talk with your dd and try to find out how things are for her? Maybe, like some others have suggested, you unwittingly tried to put your expectations and dreams of having your little girl on her and she is rebelling.

Re-read your post- is there really nothing positive you can say about her? Maybe if you could find one good thing about her and focus on that it would be a start rather than focusing on all the bad things

Ok, found the article I haven't remembered quite right it's about feeling that you love one child more than another, but still may be helpful.

Now to attempt a link...

[[http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article2999665.ec e}}

Um, I kind of agree with NappiesGalore.
I don't know where OP goes from here.
I do know how it feels from the other side.
I was always a tremendous disappointment to my mother, she had unrealistic expectations of our relationship from the day I was born, and she could never let go of them, so we never really made up.
I think OP needs to look for the good things about your DD,the things she's doing right, and accept that she's her own person -- esp. now she's a teenager. Not what you wanted, but you could still have a good relationship there.

I cannot even begin to know how you feel. I'm not going to even try to understand, I have only boys and they are only little.

But She was just a child. She was a child like your other children, and yet you seem to have been expecting something better in some way - as if girls are nicer, or easier, or that you would connect with her better.

She was only being a toddler - she sounds like ds2 to be honest, he's a whiner, and she's only being a teenage girl. She doesn't want to do things with you because she is a teenage girl. I was scruffy etc - not all teenage girls are fashion obsessed and vapid. She maybe doesn't want to put the clothes on you have chosen because she doesn't care about clothes? Did you buy expensive clothes for your sons and get upset if they wouldn't wear them? I'm guessing not - and it's not really fair to treat a person like a Barbie doll and get upset when they won't play.

She does sound like a very difficult child to raise and I have a lot of sympathy for you - my sister was similar and she was the youngest of three too. But maybe she seems worse because you were expecting her to be better?

AFAIK, it's fairly normal not to like your teenage daughter very much. It's also fairly normal for them not to give a rat's arse as long as you pony up for what they want.

as surly as she no doubt is (is a rare teenager who isnt) i would bet you a thousand pounds that she is way more upset and hurt about the situation than you are. you really need to try to find a way to reach out and communicate with HER, not the person you wanted, but the person she IS.

do relate handle parent child relationship counselling? i honestly think you should drag her, kicking and screaming if neccessary, to something of that ilk. you will both be immensely surprised by what the other has to say. and if you build bridges now it will enrich both of your lives and bring a long awaited peace you both deserve.

tbh you sound very, very like my mother must have felt about me.

I was always a huge disappointment to her, 'embarrassing', 'not like friends' daughters' - not the bully, but in fact always the victim, marginalised, anxiety, OCD, 'social problems'. But also, in the early days, symbiotically and besottedly loved.

tbh I think you went wrong before the birth, in your overidealisatzion of having a daughter, and the fact that you talk about this suggests you have guessed it too. It seems almost like you put her on this earth for you and not at all for herself. Yes, we all have children for selfish reasons, but this is an extreme case. With children you can never entirely control the outcome, but you wanted to (cf. your talking about not wanting to be pg unless you could 'guarantee' a girl).

sorry but I feel really sorry for her. I'm really really trying hard not to be harsh, but I know this all too well from the other side.

Can I recommend, no, urge you to have counselling? Not with her, just all on your own, at least at first. Your thinking about it and (presumably) wishing things were different puts you in a great position to eventually be able to change things.

Just a thought...sounds like quite difficult behaviour at some points. is it possible she has some undiagnosed behaviour disorder???

How old is she? I teach secondary, and teach a lot of girls...this does sound a bit unusual to me. Have you contacted the SENCO at your daughter's school?

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SOrry..posting again Have just re read your post. This sort of behaviour/personality in my school would have been identified as vulnerable, and SENCO and learning mentors would be involved. It really sounds like there is more to this.

Is she bullying to attract attention as she can't get it any other way, if she has no friends