DS being excluded

[magicstars]

DS 6, is fairly typical in most ways. Not the brightest academically, but generally kind & others have commented on his inclusive nature when their dc felt left out previously.

Over the last few weeks I've noticed that one of his 'best friends' has been excluding him. I brought it up with him gently & he confirmed that this is ongoing through the school day. I'm friends with the other child's mum & we had a chat. She was embarrassed by her Ds behaviour & said she'd speak to him. She had also observed this so it wasn't out of the blue, or denied.

Ds told me last night that it's carried on all week & that he's had no one to play with at lunchtimes. The other kids are now also starting to exclude him, I think from seeing the first child saying he can't play. 2 friends ran over yesterday & said 'you're lucky that x isn't here yet'.

I have emailed the teacher asking them to support him next week & I spoke to the ta at drop off when DS had been told he couldn't play by the specific child. Ds went into school crying 😢.

My question is do I raise this with parents who I'm friendly with? I am considering putting a text out on our small group chat outlining that Ds is feeling left out (not being too specific)& asking them to remind their kids to be inclusive. Or does that seem over bearing & I just need to let the teacher sort it out? If I do contact them, do I wait until Sunday/ Monday? Many are going to a bday party over the weekend, which Ds was sadly not invited to.

Ds is a sensitive soul & it's heartbreaking to see his confidence dropping. I want to support him through this in the right way. Thanks for advice.

No behaviour issues, or reason to suspect ND. He has had a lot to deal with out side of school, (family situation & health wise) so I wonder if it's down to his confidence levels & this being picked up on by other dc.

Sounds really stressful op.

I’d give the school a chance to tackle it first before approaching the parents directly. From what I’ve seen that doesn’t always end well.

There’s a difference between a child not wanting to play with someone and the active exclusion you’re describing here.

Definitely let the school handle it. I learned the hard way that speaking to the parents doesn’t end well. Don’t mention it to the mother even if she asks. That is if you want to keep your friendship. Hope things get better for your son

Best to deal with this through school. School should be more fair-minded as they are equally responsible for all kids. It may be that the other child has problems you don't know about, or they may do this to lots of children.

One thing that you can do is to start, even though he is young, trying to do other things out of school. The wider range of people they meet, the less important school friends are.

Hi. Please don't let this carry on any longer. My sensitive son was teased and bullied for a year before he eventually told me. Was awful. I insisted on a class move when it became apparent that the school couldn't/wouldn't do anything about it.

He has returned to his normal bubbly self in his lovely new class and after spending 6 months in counseling to help him understand it wasn't his fault.

My son is older than yours but the outcome is the same. A sad child confused about why it is happening.

My final point is a week in our lives is nothing. A week in a child's life feels like forever so don't delay. I hope you can get it sorted out soon.

Ok thanks all. Yes it's massively on my mind & so sad to think he's had to put up with it daily.

He does do some out of school stuff which he enjoys.

I was wondering if sending out a group message to highlight what's been going on to about six of the parents of DS friends would help? (an existing WA group, not a new one). They are nice people & I'm sure would want to help but probably most aren't aware of the situation at present. Does this sound like a damaging thing to do?

I'm going to make sure DS has lots of extra love this weekend for sure.

@rrhuth I know the other boy & his family well. See them most days in various capacities & so I'm as certain as I can be that the other child isn't dealing with stuff. He's a very well cared for & secure little boy imho.

Sending out a group message is a really bad idea. If you embarass the parents like that they may close ranks. Does this sound like a damaging thing to do? Yes. This isn't about you and the parents, it's about your child at school.

I'm sure you think you know the family well, but how do the parents interact when you are not there? What is their private financial situation? Do either of the parents have any mental health problems? You don't know what their private situations are, really.

Sorry you are going through this, it's awful, speaking from experience, get the school to sort it - but make sure they stamp on this fast, my DS went through YEARS of this due to the school being ineffective, please monitor it VERY closely and if you don't get results i am afraid you need to be THAT parent and become a nuisance until the situation changes. Best of luck to you and your DS

I'm sorry this is happening. It's heartbreaking to watch as a parent.

My kids are almost grown up now but I would definitely leave it to school to sort out. They are able to intervene, they can talk about being kind in class, they can juggle friendship groups and seating plans. They might have lunch time arrangements that will help... sessions with staff to build self esteem, access to support etc.

Keep going back to them if it doesn't get better and ask for their support.

I wish you both well. I hope it's better soon. X

I think that you have spoken to the mother of the main boy involved who is going to talk to her child. You have spoken to the school. I wouldn't at this stage contact the other parents as a group, let the school deal with it. I would though maybe try to arrange some playdates with one other child at a time outside of school. This will help your son to develop/maintain his social skills and he might be a little more introverted so do better in a smaller situation.

I would let the school deal with it and try to work really closely with them to resolve this.

A message on WhatsApp could backfire on you and ds which would be really upsetting for all.

I just wanted to add that when you say this, op I'm as certain as I can be that the other child isn't dealing with stuff as an older, more cynical person these days I think as we really don't know what happens behind closed doors.

So yes, you are probably as certain as you can be, but in reality that means not certain at all.

You could organise some playdates 1:1. That will help your DS in school and during the playdate you can drop hints like 'it's so nice to see them playing, DS has been really sad recently about being left out'.

Leave it to the school.
The teacher should be able to sort it out, especially at 6.

I am still friends with two of the mum's of boys that did similar to my DS.

Ultimately it was only leaving school that solved, I spoke to the parents once and they were horrified but as they're not at school when it's happening can't really do much.

School should focus on inclusion and not leaving people out and may send a note home to ask parents to reinforce.

My heart goes out to you OP, please don't hesitate to ask for him to be moved if you think things aren't getting better. We only had one form, so wasn't an option.

The other thing I would ask is for all staff to be aware, all play and lunch supervisors and report back to the teacher. It's really hard when they only see one offs to get then recognised as a wider pattern of behaviour.

Yes good points. I'm sorry your Dc had to leave their school @LefttoherownDevizes. There is another class in his year group, so if it continues I could ask for him to be moved. It would be a shame though as prior to this they've been such a lovely, welcoming group of friends. The teachers always comment on it & it's a nice community we have with the dc & parents being friends.
I'm hoping that it will pass, but I will continue to support Ds however I can.

We didn't move him, they all left for big school. He's 16 now, fab group of friends, very quirky but found his people. Never did buy into the alpha/popular group thing.

Just to give you hope

This is bullying. Excluding, but also getting others to exclude-“you’re lucky X is not here yet!”- is social bullying and it’s vile.

Don’t contact the parents, leave it to school. And arrange some play dates/cinema/bowling/whatever with one of the other kids, maybe one who is also on the periphery.

Definitely go to school @magicstars. We've had a similar situation, where I'm actual friends with the Mum. Really nice family, kid well cared for, but the kid behaved badly towards my child. I assume kid would grow up to be a decent adult, but I had to protect my child here & now.

We've arranged a meeting with the teacher straight away. School dealt with it really well, the children were shuffled around so my child got surrounded by the kindest kids who looked out for my child and the other kid got a warning about behaviour.

My friend to this day doesn't believe what her kid said to my child (something incredibly hurtful, even to me, but there were a lot of other instances of bad behaviour too) whereas school is objective & can therefore deal with these situations better.

I agree that going through the school is better. A message on the WhatsApp group could backfire - most parents tend to be very defensive about the possibility of their child being in the wrong. Especially the timing - you say there's a party this weekend that he hasn't been invited to, so the parents may think this is sour grapes because of that.

I agree that some 1-1 playdates would probably help to build your son's confidence. I would also talk to the other boy's mum about arranging a low key playdate with him (probably out of the house) as it would be interesting to observe the dynamic between them to try to identify what the problem is and whether there are ways it could be resolved. It sounds like the mum does actually want to sort this behaviour out (as I would, if it were my child doing it).