Like Mother, Like DD - Anxiety related

[LuckyLass22]

I suffer from imposter syndrome and social anxiety. I learnt this thanks to MN, so its really helped putting a label on it. It has held back my career and left me with embarrassing memories and regret. I am happy in the company of 2 or 3 people, but I cannot present to a group of people at work.
I've tried a few things, but nothing has really worked. I am really good at all other aspects of my job, so I have accepted this part of my personality and gotten on with life.

DD 11 has been working on a project and she was given the opportunity to share her project at school. Her big day was yesterday and she burst into tears after school as it went really badly for her. She described the anxiety I feel when placed in this type of situation. I have tried to comfort her but deep down, I am so upset for her. I cannot bear to think of what's ahead for her, the hopelessness of wanting to speak at a parents funeral, but frozen with fear. Dropping out of a speech at a siblings Wedding. Dreading school plays etc. Its truly awful and so difficult to convey. DH doesn't get it, but I am honestly happy he doesn't as I wouldn't wish this on anybody.

My tactic is to avoid these situations, but DD won't be able to do that.

If any MNers have overcome this or can offer some tips for DD, I would really appreciate that.

A happy girl left my house yesterday, but her confidence is shattered. Her teacher was really kind and explained that she's just shy, but I know it's more than that.

Is there anything I can do to help her ? besides lots of hugs, kisses and reassurance

The thing is, everyone's different. We all learn to avoid things that make us uncomfortable. You mention speaking at a funeral - I went to one recently where they had a 'celebrant' do the speech/eulogy and then gave copies of it to everyone. Actually it was lovely. So that solves that.

You did the right thing by contacting school, but as they didn't 'get' it, explain kindly to them that it's not just shyness, it's more serious than that and you don't want her put in that position again. Tell her Head of Year, just in case. You say dd won't be able to avoid it in the future - why not? These days speeches and presentations can also be pre-recorded.

I think the exact opposite of the poster above - don't say that she can't be in this situation again, instead focus on telling her that it's ok to feel like this but doesn't mean she always will (you may not really be able to believe this; that's alright, this can be a fake it until you make it situation). Don't treat this as the beginning of a lifelong issue, as it will then become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Public speaking is not something that comes easily and it's really fine to avoid it if you want to. Your daughter could do any number of jobs that don't involve it.

As for doing a eulogy for a parent at a funeral - many, many people couldn't do it. I don't think that's unusual at all.

When there's something we've yet to overcome ourselves it's easy to assume that our children will have the problem lifelong too, but I think you would be wise not to assume your daughter will follow the same path as you. The key to overcoming anxiety really is practice so better to give her lots of opportunities to present things in less anxiety provoking situations... encourage her to put on performances for just you, then just your family, just add her grandparents etc... the more positive experiences she has where everybody claps and tells her how great she's done, the more able she will be to take this skill outside the home.