Do you ever favour your youngest child?

[Elisemum]

I grew up with a younger cousin (2 years difference) who all the way through our childhood would get prioritised by my parents and granny. I mean she would always get the bigger ice-cream and more coca-cola, things like that. She was always allowed to chose things first - and I was always told she is younger and she is our guest so I have to let her have it. As a child I couldn’t understand it and I grew to resent her. It’s a pity as we are in our 40s now and we keep in touch but aren’t close. Obviously I now know why my parents and granny were doing that but it’s too late now, this ship has sailed. I now have a 2,5 yo and a 2 month old boys and I only have one biggest parenting rule- never ever favour either of my kids. They must always get the same stuff, and I will never say to my older son to let his baby brother have something nicer only becouse he is younger. I made my husband promise he will do the same. I want them to grow best friends! Do you guys have the same rule?

To be honest, it's impossible not to favour one of your children at some points! It's tough with the younger one I find, mine is a toddler & sometimes I forever feel like I'm telling my eldest that DD2 doesn't understand & please could she share or let her have that toy etc! And the toddler requires so much attention so she doesn't kill herself that I can't say my attention is always split very equally either!

But I'd always aim to be equal. I try to make sure they get an equal amount of love & my time. I'd never buy one a gift without getting the other something. But I do get them different sized treats. My eldest gets bigger ones. She's bigger. My toddler doesn't need a whole ice cream. We share one. My eldest gets a full one. As they get older, they'll get the same. But there may be times I have to treat them differently. Different bedtimes which will probably seem unfair to the youngest.

It's just something you do as a parent. I never consciously think about being equal. I just try to be. Grandparents are very different. They aren't parents & for whatever adult reason sometimes favour a grandchild.

My two are 3 years apart & they genuinely love each other. That's not come from me being obsessed with equality between them. That's from me constantly reinforcing that we love, care & respect everyone in this house. Humans & pets. We talk about how nice it is to have a sister (& I give time to let her express what frustrates her about it) & I ask the older one to be my grown up & help me care for big sister (this has worked a treat, DD1 loves a bit of responsibility & mothering DD2 ). Luckily my two are similar in personality, that helps. I do know siblings who really aren't & don't get along as well. That's normal too.

My dc4 has been spoiled since the moment she was born. Dh and I spoil her. Her three siblings are still besotted with her… and she’s 14, so the novelty has kind of worn off.

On the flip side, she’s been dragged about to support her older siblings, and is just expected to get on with it. She’s had less attention - too many other things going on. She rarely got anything new… and we tended to give her less than her siblings had at the same age.

Despite all the spoiling, she’s lovely… and is not looking forward to being the only child in the house when dc3 goes off to university next year.

Do you mean you grew up with her as in she lived with you and your parents?

It’s a good intention but very difficult to keep up! You will sometimes feel like you’ve neglected one of your dc, or that one of them unduly got more attention because they cried harder or were poorly… it’s hard to treat them the same all the time as they are very different people.

I try to be scrupulously fair between mine. I remember being the oldest and not being allowed to hold my Dad's hand because my two younger siblings wanted to and they were younger. I understood even then that being a couple of years older didn't mean I didn't need just as much love and affection. It wasn't a safety thing, e.g. crossing a road, we were in a large safe park.

But your poor dad only had two hands!

No, I theory I would have loved to but the only way it would have really worked for us, is to have had them all at the exact time. With all of the best intention in the world, they all have different needs and wants depending on the stage of development they are at.
The first three DC were alive when DD died. They all went through a rough patch grieving when I feel like I was too sad and shocked to give them my all. Our youngest DC missed that, he has only known happiness, although he has grown up periodically visiting a grave which the others didn’t have to do.

Eldest DC is now looking at sixth form colleges for next year. We are spending time going out visiting options. The others aren’t getting visits at the moment which had the potential to make them feel less special, but they will get their chance in time, I hope.

Our youngest is still the age where he needs help with personal care, reading to etc. The older DC are past this. They had their time but will they remember it? Perceive it as fair? Maybe, maybe not.

All I can do is tell each one that I love them, show an interest in their lives, and be there for them fully as they need me. Who knows how it will work out for them but I am doing my best, I hope they will be able forgive any perceived injustices because they will not be intentional.

To be honest, your parents probably knew & trusted that you as the eldest would be sensible, walk in the right direction and not run off! Not that you didn't need love! I hold my youngests hands far more than my eldests because she's small & doesn't understand safety or that we need to walk in a certain direction! And to be honest my eldest is very keen to be independant and not need a hand hold anymore. Luckily, she's only 4 & does come to hold my hand often enough!

No, my two don't get the same because they're not the same and they have different needs...

You say your "must always get the same stuff". Do you wake your toddler for a feed every night when your baby wakes? Do you use all brand new clothes/equipment for your younger child because your elder child had new? Match up every birthday present given to one or other by friends?

Fine when it's appropriate, but it's extremely hard to manage.

Thanks, no I didn’t mean they have to get the same stuff all the time. Of course they are going to get different, age appropriate toys. Different food becouse they are different person - I agree with all the above.
I meant more like: if there is only one chocolate bar and they both want it, would you ever give it to the younger and told the older one he has to understand becouse he is older - this type of stuff.
Or if there are 2 different treats, would you let the younger sibling pick first purely for the reason that he is younger.
I remember when I was a child I kept thinking to myself it’s not my fault that I was born earlier and I’m older :) I wanted the good treat too!
It was also different in my case i suppose as my cousins was with us for 3 months each year so she was a guest which was another excuse.
Don’t get me wrong I had a lovely family and loved my cousin but the constant favouritism of her was externally tough for me when I was a child.

Did you get to pick when cousin wasn’t there?

Yes as i was the only child :)

So for 9 months of the year, you had first (and only) choice, and for 3 months she did. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It sometimes appears to our eldest that we favour her younger sister, but in reality we're doing for the youngest exactly what we did for the eldest. Swimming lessons, football training and matches, after school clubs, school residential trips.

Every now and again we have to remind our eldest that's it's equal treatment on a delayed timeline and that she gets to do stuff now that won't be available for her sister for a few years.

But otherwise, day to day they have equal. Whether that's literally the same or balanced to make it the same e.g. if youngest has new football gear, eldest is allowed new fabric for her dressmaking hobby to same value.

Using the chocolate bar analogy...it would be cut up to share or neither of them would have it but I might!

My least favourite changes all the time, depends how they are behaving tbh. Younger ones tend to play the cute card, eldest gives me bitch stare lol.

Stuff wise they are treated equally by us, it differs as they get older so may seem like the older are getting more to the younger but their time will come too.

Oh in that case, no. Either they share, or both do without. Unless I know that they would both prefer the opposites of two options iyswim.

Sometimes they have to miss out/put up with something because of their sibling but that's just life. You win some, you lose some

Why was she with you for three months of the year? That sounds like an unusual set up and I suspect it's got more to do with why she was indulged more than her age.

Sorry to hear about your DD @IHateCoronavirus. It’s hard for the older siblings.