How do you do "time out" for toddlers, or other ideas?

[kotpa]

I have 2 kids, DD 2.5 and DS 4 y.o. DH and I are really struggling with how to discipline them. They're good, sweet kids overall, but they like to push boundaries, sometimes in dangerous ways, like DS tearing away from me and running across parking lots after I explicitly told him to hold my hand and stay with me. Back when they were in daycare (pre-covid lock down), DS was exposed to "time outs" when they had to sit in a little corner of the room. I'm sure it helped that he got to see this happening to other kids, so it provided context for the idea that bad behavior had consequences.

But whenever we've tried to use time out at home, it doesn't work. First of all, DS thinks everything is a game, or at least acts like it. So the game of time out involves his trying to get away. The only way it's ever happened is when DH puts DS in a chair and hovers over him, not letting him move, until the time is up. Or else he puts him in his room and stands there holding the doorknob so he can't get out. This of course is very upsetting to DS, but I have a problem with the idea of using his room as a place of punishment, because I want it to be his personal space and safe haven.

How do you successfully use time outs for your toddlers? It's just not always feasible to physically hold them in the chair or whatever each time, but they're just not going to sit there because we tell them to. What are we doing wrong?

The short answer is I wouldn't. It's not an approach that sits well with me and I would try other strategies. It obviously isn't working for you either.

I only have one child (2.5 yo) so obviously I'm no expert, and every family is different, but I'm most influenced by the type of high empathy/clear boundary approach espoused by the likes of Janet Landsbury. I can also recommend The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry - it completely changed the way I think about parenting.

I think it sounds like you need a new approach. Time outs are not obligatory and I actually think there popularity as an approach to discipline is waning.

I don't use them for my 3 year old, it just upsets her and doesn't seem to work.

I tried it once with DD. She was really upset and was ultra clingy for weeks afterwards.

Everyone is different but we don't use time outs because it's taking a child in a heightened state and placing them on their to deal with those emotions. It becomes stressful for everyone involved and the child doesn't learn anything.

We used a toddler backpack with a strap for in public to give some freedom but to keep safe. It allows us time and space to explicitly teach the behaviour we want to see in public.

As others have said time out can be ineffective as it looks like you're experiencing. It can become a power battle and frustrating for everyone. Try time in instead www.positiveparentingconnection.net/time-out-vs-time-in-whats-the-difference/ explained in more detail on this site. Often more effective, helps children learn and regulate their emotions and you usually end up less frustrated. Not alway easy to do in the heat of the moment though when you're feeling frazzled.