What would you do in my situation?

[Jolene93]

Son is 4yo, nearly 5. His “father” if you can call him that, has never been in his life, never wanted to be. But from day one I did the honourable thing and the right thing, I felt, to ask and keep other members of his family involved in my sons life if they wished, they did, and I’ve never stopped them.

Last Sunday, my son came home after a sleepover at his grandparents on that side of the family. They then asked if my son could go to a pre-Christmas family day in December and that his father would be there.

I said no, but this has left me furious, and that I cannot trust them to be around my son now on their own, incase they allow him to see my son without my permission.
When I said no, they both became very frustrated with me. But why would I say yes? My son doesn’t know him.

I’d like to know what you posters would now do if you were in my situation?

Tricky, does your son have a relationship with anyone else on that side of the family or just the GPs? If he knows all his aunties, uncles and cousins as well I can understand them asking.
If there are other kids on that side, perhaps they're hoping for them to meet your DS and thought this was a good opportunity.

There will be events in their lives where they'll want to invite their grandson and their son.

Are they usually good grandparents and supportive of you? Do you really think they'd do something like introduce your son to his dad behind your back?

Is this the first time they've asked for anything like this?
I would say also say no.

I think it's great your DS has a relationship with his grandparents from his dads side and think I'd have to address it with them going forward.

What does your DS know about his dad?

Also, I don't think I'd really 'do' anything. They've asked, you've said no. If you don't trust them then that's a different story and they shouldn't have unsupervised access to your son. If you do trust them, just re-enforce that your DS will not meet their son until you (or he when he's old enough) to decide.

I would do nothing unless it comes up again. I would also tell them that I don’t want someone around my child who has abandoned him for nearly 5 years.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea no it’s just them, there’s no aunties or kids in their family etc. When I had said no, the grandmother said to me that if his father was to turn up while my son was there, she wouldn’t ask him to leave. Which I understand is their home, but I’ve made it very clear I don’t want him seeing him willy-nilly and having my son confused.

@SleighBells21 I’ve very rarely spoken about him but with my son now being at school and seeing other dads, I spoke to him and explained that it’s always been “mummy and you” and that’s all we need is each other. He usually embraces me with cuddles and kisses when I say this after he mentions other daddies.

@Temple29 exactly this. But they actually got annoyed at me like they were expecting me to say yes! My family and two of my friends are baffled by them too and aren’t happy with them. They think it’s completely wrong for them to even ask given the situation and I agree!

Hmmm, I think if his dad actively wants to see him (rather than just coincidentally being there), then I wouldn’t stop it, but I would be insistent that it goes through me- it’s not on for grandparents to try and arrange this on their own.

@riotlady Had he wanted to be involved or actually shown interest even now, I would allow it supervised with me, through me, on my terms. Like you say, not on their terms, that’s what frustrates me. My son doesn’t know him at all, I can’t trust them anymore to have him on their own

Hoping to get a few more opinions on this please?

I would always think of the long-term and how your son would see this. If he knew he could have seen his dad and you prevented it, that could cause some issues for your relationship with him

Think about it from your son’s point of view. In 10 years time and he finds out you stopped this, he may ask why you stopped him seeing his father, can you give a good reason why?
Don’t do it out of spite, make sure your reasons are absolutely in the best interests of your son.

I witness too many decisions like this where the decision is made to spite a parent and the child loses out and resents it.

To be clear I am not saying you are wrong, just think carefully about who you are hurting and who you are protecting and what from.

Maybe you need to be more open. I think not telling him about his dad was a mistake tbh. However I do think that if the dad is going to be introduced to him he needs to discuss with you what his involvement is going to be. He can't just bump into him at his grand parents without being prepared and without you knowing what his future involvement might look like.

@QuitMoaning I absolutely understand where you’re coming from and was this a normal situation I’d agree, however his “dad” doesn’t want to be in his life, his parents, my sons grandparents are trying to force it and therefore I don’t believe it’s in my sons best interests :)

@cansu He won’t communicate with me, that’s the point, his parents are just expecting my son to go round there for Christmas and meet him for the first time without me present… Nuh uh! :(

You should let him go.
They could have not told you and him been there. They did the right thing.

To be fair, they asked. They didn't assume or go behind your back. They obviously put your feelings and views ahead of their son's.

I respect that you don't want him around your DS. But maybe try to keep an open mind? Your DS might want to meet his Father one day and find out that you prevented it when he was very young.
He'll one day work out how he is related to his grandparents, and that there is a father in the picture somewhere. He'll probably be curious.

But I agree that any meeting should be on your terms and at your pace.

@Jolene93

Hoping to get a few more opinions on this please?

You ask for opinions, but whenever someone says what you don’t want to hear you tell them why they are wrong. If you’re not interested, just do what you want.

@GoodnightGrandma No, I’m just explaining the situation more. Thanks for your input though.

The grandparents sound like they are being respectful. You need to ask them what their son's intentions are. If he wants to get involved in his son's life, he needs to contact you and make arrangements.
You need to talk with them and explain that. I would be clear with them that you expect them to convey that message and to not have your son meet his dad until you and him have discussed how this will work out in the longer term. Your ds needs to know who his father is but shouldn't meet him and then never see him again as this will cause upset. If he does intend to have some contact with him, I would start having that conversation. Perhaps show your ds a photo and explain the link between his father and garndparents.

Surely by 10 he knows he has a biological father.
Your son has mentioned it and no suggestion it was to be a secret.
Let your son decide. Handled well very little harm can come from this. Potentially good unless you drip feed he’s been to jail uses drugs and is part of a gang.
I say go for it, let bygones be bygones.

@fallfallfall

Surely by 10 he knows he has a biological father. Your son has mentioned it and no suggestion it was to be a secret. Let your son decide. Handled well very little harm can come from this. Potentially good unless you drip feed he’s been to jail uses drugs and is part of a gang. I say go for it, let bygones be bygones.

He’s 4 nearly 5.

Young but still fine.