I don’t know what to do with my 9yo

[PissyMum]

He’s so unhappy and I don’t know how to help him. It all started about a year ago, starting with reluctance to go to school, then being violent towards his little brother and refusing to speak to him unless I was in the room mediating. His teachers also noticed him starting to be rude to them, not doing his work, talking back and not playing with the other children. After a lot of meetings he eventually admitted one of the boy’s in his friendship group was being nasty to him. There had been no violence, none of the other boys had joined in and it was all pretty low level stuff - the boy calling DS know-it-all, teasing him about his hand writing and once saying that his school bag was rubbish. I thought Ds had lost his school bag but he’d actually taken it out in the middle of the night and put it in the bin .

Anyway, after lots of talks with the boy and his parents he promised not to do it again. Boy now plays with a different group, they sit apart at school and dd is back laying with his original friends seemingly quite happily. But he still seems so sad all the time. He’s like a typical teenager, he doesn’t want to speak to me about anything. He doesn’t want to go anywhere, do anything. I even organised a few days away, just me and him to go to Alton Towers and he woke up at the hotel in the morning after we’d planned all the rides we were doing to go on and said “I think I’d rather just stay in the room, sorry”. I did manage to get him into the park but he didn’t want to go on any of the rides, just wanted to watch them instead. He’s been before and loved the rides so it wasn’t that he was scared or anything.

I’ve take him to the GP who thinks it’s just hormones but has referred him for some counselling with a waiting time of 2+ years. I’ve arranged some private counselling but he refuses to speak and just says “it’s pointless”. Last week he went to a netting with a man who is supposed to be really good and they go into the woods and do activities while chatting at the same time. Before he even said goodbye to me he said to the man “I’ll help make the fire or whatever but don’t expect me to speak, I’m fed up with people trying to get me to talk about what I did at school today”.

I don’t know what to do. Nothing makes him happy and I don’t know how to get my boy back. He hates me, he hates his brother. He’ll occasionally speak to his dad (we’re separated) but only when he absolutely shouts at him and says that there’s no point coming to see him if he sits there ignoring him the whole time.

Hopeful bup

*bump, even

Didn’t want to read and run - I am so sorry he is feeling like this.
Hormones maybe causing this constant low mood?
Could your GP run some bloods tests to rule out any deficiencies….

You're doing all the right things. I think he's upset about something he's not saying or he's just feeling down and doesn't know why. Have you tried a happiness journal? Sounds corny I know but its a good thing to do before bed. Try and get him to focus on positive things and plan stuff to look forward to of his choosing maybe?

I haven’t any experience of this, but I couldn’t read this without saying something. I really feel for you and this sounds such a sad situation and really quite baffling. It sounds as if you have done everthing that could be done.

You say he doesn’t want to talk. I have heard of situations when a child who has a problem ends up feeling like all they are IS the problem and they just want to be treated as if the problem no longer exists (i think the example was a anorexic child).

My daughter went through a phase when she was about 13 and had problems with her friendship group and spent a lot of time on her computer. I’ve forgotten what it was called but it enabled her to do digital painting and she joined a site called deviant art where she posted her art work and interacted with others online.

In hindsight I think it was good for her to have this outlet, tho at the time we worried that she was shutting herself away.

Is there anything like this that your son likes to do that could give you some breathing space I know this initial art pad cost us about £300 pounds at the time, but now think it was money well spent.

The only thing else that I can think of is looking online for books/articles written by experts. Perhaps pay for counselling for yourself with an expert that can advise you how to help him.

I’m an intensely private person and as a child could never tell my mum what was bothering me. Being shouted at to talk is never going to work.

I hope someone else comes on who has some experience who can help you.

Sounds really tough and that you are being so lovely and thoughtful about it. I have heard that speaking alongside children ie in the car or while doing something can be more effective.

In general I think it might be helpful to have a period where you ease off and accept that he doesn’t want to talk. He may start talking when the time is right. It must be torture for you but not all sadness can be ‘fixed’ and living through this period may offer him some self awareness that he carries through life.

I like the idea from a PP about trying to encourage hobbies, in particular ones that might help him make friends out of school - music, climbing, martial arts, whatever.

He sounds depressed, doesn't he? Not wanting to leave the hotel room or join in on fun games indicates that.