How can I help my daughter now we have a new baby?

[LisaN27]

I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter (she is 3 in less than a month) and a lovely 6 week old son. My husband who had been a stay at home Dad for the last year and a half after losing his job during covid, started his new job when my son was 6 days old so I am mostly looking after both children by myself.
In the lead up to the birth of her baby brother I did as much prep as I could. I talked to her about what life would be like with a baby in the house, that it might be hard because there would be times I couldn’t play with her etc. I tried to include her in the run up by taking her shopping for baby clothes, letting her pick some things out and she was so excited.
Now that her baby brother is here she is a very enthusiastic big sister! She gives him lots of cuddles and kisses, wants to help me feed him and shows him off to everyone.
While all of this is absolutely wonderful there has been a marked change in her behaviour and personality. I had expected it to a degree but I’m really struggling. She has started being bossy with her friends, even pushing one of them today which is completely unlike her. She’s also started having awful nightmares which are waking her up through the night. I feel like I can see her changing and struggling right in front of me and there’s nothing I can do.
I’m trying so hard to give them both the attention they need but I currently just feel like I’m not meeting either of their needs. My new baby cries every time I pass him to his Dad and my daughter will only be comforted by me through the night so I feel like I always have to made the decision to leave one of them to cry while I settle the other. I just feel stretched so thin and like I’m failing them both. I’ve made a point of making sure I’ve still had some 1 and 1 time with my daughter and I constantly let her know how much I love her and that I’m sorry that I can’t play with her if I’m feeding my son but I’m at a complete loss as to what else I can do.
Any help or suggestions would be so very gratefully received. I’m completely exhausted adjusting to life with two and without the help from my husband now he’s working I feel like I am completely out of my depth.
Thank you.

I think it's completely normal to feel stretched a bit thin at this stage, you have my sympathy.

Are there things you can do with DD whilst you feed DS. Maybe read her a story or put CBeebies of and cuddle up with her? You could try doing an activity with her like Playdoh?

I'd stop apologising to her about it as well as it might be pointing out to her what has changed.

Having a big, stretchy sling might help you as you can put the baby in whilst you do things with the older one.

Yes, stop apologising. Let her help out. Make her feel special with ‘big girl’ treats, talk about how great it is being a big sister. Delegate to her Dad, he can do a lot with the baby while you hang out with little girl. The behaviour could be coinciding with ‘the terrible two’s’ anyway, which won’t help but strong boundaries always.

I could have written this post a month ago! DD1 is 3 at the end of this month, DD2 is 13 weeks.

It’s much better now. The nightmares and bossiness and boundary pushing have continued, but DD1 has learnt to entertain herself a bit more and has been forced to be more independent in using the loo etc, as DD2 has faltering growth so a lot of time is spent making bottles and attempting to feed her as much as possible.

Top tips: Get out of the house for at least half of the day, preferably doing something physical to burn off energy, don’t feel bad about screen time and try to make a special time each day for the two of you. For us it’s bathtime - DD1 gets to snuggle with her dad on the sofa while I bath and put DD2 to bed, then she gets 1:1 time with me while I bath and put her to bed and DP makes our dinner.

Best of luck - it’s getting easier all the time. The start of 30 free hours of preschool is also looming closer too!