Help! 18m and 3.5 dds

[Enod]

I’m not a single mum but often feel like it as my husband works nights. I don’t understand how to make it work. If you are a single mother, I have nothing but admiration for you - and need your advice!

There is huge jealousy between them, I leave the room and the 18m old screams and cries. 3.5 year old has daily huge tantrums. They’re better with my husband and even alone when I’m out of sight. What am I doing wrong? I don’t know how to be assertive with them and the constant sense that the 3.5 yo is about to lose it worries me.

I have a FT job, do the washing, lunches, put them to sleep, get them ready. My husband does a lot too - we never get a single moment break.

I just need advice

Mine are similar but we don’t really have jealousy between them other than the odd tussle over a toy. What are they jealous of - your attention or something the other one has ?

I try to make a thing of my eldest being a helper / the big boy / teaching the younger one how to do things (kind hands, saying words etc) that way he feels special as having a bit of extra responsibility whilst entertaining the youngest

He always manages to need a wee or a poo as I’m bathing the baby though !

Jealous of my attention definitely. Can’t cuddle one without the other getting upset. Jealous of toys too yes. I am worried I’m not fulfilling especially the elder’s emotional needs. Everything is a battle, we have ten good minutes and then something becomes a battle - no no no - etc. Things are easier when each of them is alone with either of us.

Do you have things they can play together nicely. Playdoh, any good toys that work for both ages? At that age I would set a train track or hot wheels track and the older one would tell the younger what to do.

Agree with pp, using big one teaching younger things, getting them a drink or snack, stickers for taking care of them.

It will get easier when the 18 month can do more don't worry.

Also if fighting over same toy we use a sand timer to take turns so they can see how long before they swap. Younger one may nit get that yey but the older will

Thanks @Morechocmorechoc good ideas. They do play well together occasionally but the elder one invariably gets irritated, angry and even hits sometimes. Then I explain we need to use words etc. I’ll try the train tracks. But also that neither “listens” to me at all is wearing me down. I guess they get the stubbornness from me. 18mo sleep is really bad too right now - inconsolable at 3am, I had to take her for a drive to soothe her so the neighbours don’t complain

Ah that’s hard. Can you cuddle both at the same time - and make it like a fun thing ‘oh I can’t just cuddle you on your own - we all have to have a big cuddle!!’ And squash them a bit and tickle them ?

@Mrsdoubtfireswig oh no! If I cuddle both at the same time they each push the other out the way :( I can tickle them both at the same time tho, they like that :)

They are rascals aren’t they! Mine are like that with their nanny (my attention mustn’t be as good )

Go with the tickling - that’ll at least diffuse any jealousy and they’ll forget about the cuddle (temporarily)

Also my eldest went through awful tantrum phase over the summer. Refusing to get dressed / brush teeth etc we even went to nursery one day in socks as he kept throwing his shoes off. It did pass - but was just a bit painful at times !

@Mrsdoubtfireswig they really are! It’s good to talk about it even here because I can really send myself mad with it all - and the whole house atmosphere can just go so ugly in a moment. Thank you for replying

I have a similar age gap and at that age we were in lockdown 1.

My god do toddlers fight. I found getting outside with them both helped loads. Youngest didn't walk until 17 months so they were separated by her being in the pushchair all the time. Then they'd have a quick run around together.

Programmes like the baby club on CBeebies were also good. We'd do an episode a day all together. They both loved it and I'd give them their own bags to play with.

I'd create individual play zones. The baby in the play pen and the toddler in the living room. It meant they could play with their toys without fighting over them and I could float between.

Baby nap times were mine and eldest's special quiet times and we'd snuggle and watch a film together.

@Twizbe agree, baby club on bbc is great! They both like that. I don’t have a playpen but may need to get one - though is it worth it now she’s 18 months. Elder is at preschool and little un starts nursery in jan. I love them both but can’t wait for some time to move around the house freely - and shower!

I don't know, by 2 she wasn't a fan of it any more...

Perhaps you could get a ball pit type thing for her. Similar idea but not as restrictive...

My two are now almost 5 and 3. They are at school and preschool ... life is much easier