DD prefers her dad and it's been a long time.

[again2020]

Regular lurker around these parts and been wondering whether to post this thread for a while.

My DD, 3.11 clearly prefers her dad. She wants Daddy at bathtime (I've always done it) she insists for daddy a bedtime (I did it for the first 2 years of her life until she was old enough to talk then she asked for Daddy). If Daddy goes in the shower and locks it she cries. If Daddy goes out she cries.
She tells me she wants Daddy not me. It's very hard for me as I've had mental health issues (some severe) since having her and I have terrible mum guilt nearly 4 years on about going to work and being away from her. I recently went away for 2 nights for a friend's hen do and she barely hugged me when I came home 😥
I spend a small fortune on softplay, crafts, going to cafes, dancing and swimming with her. Her Dad is good with her but would happily put her in front of the tv instead for hours while he plays on phone or watches football. I work 3 days a week, he works 5. On the two overlap days I'm with her all day, I try to be mostly out of the house then as he is very busy with work.
Tonight she said she didn't love mummy, just daddy and I heard when my partner took her to bed 'Yey, we've got rid of the witch at last' 🙄
I did my housework downstairs and cried!
I know I should take myself less seriously and have a sense of humour about it all but it really makes me sad. DD is my best little friend and I'd love just a quick cuddle before bed which I rarely get.
Anyone any experiences on this? Thanks.

Ok so I think your partner needs to back you up here. What did he say to her when she said that witch comment? She needs to be told strongly, by your partner, that it’s not ok to speak about lovely mummy like that!! He should be the one singing your praises to even things up. How does your partner manage it? Is he wallowing in all the attention or has he got your back? It can’t be an them vs mummy game? He needs to take control and even things up to help you out.
Both my DD’s went through this when younger, mummy was the boring one rather than the playful cheeky one… but as they grow they have different needs and DD will come back to you. But in the mean time your partner needs to big you up to stop this one sidedness.

@MrsDoraDumble

Ok so I think your partner needs to back you up here. What did he say to her when she said that witch comment? She needs to be told strongly, by your partner, that it’s not ok to speak about lovely mummy like that!! He should be the one singing your praises to even things up. How does your partner manage it? Is he wallowing in all the attention or has he got your back? It can’t be an them vs mummy game? He needs to take control and even things up to help you out. Both my DD’s went through this when younger, mummy was the boring one rather than the playful cheeky one… but as they grow they have different needs and DD will come back to you. But in the mean time your partner needs to big you up to stop this one sidedness.

Good advice all round- I agree.

I think he likes it to be honest ..it must be a boost for him .
It was him who said the witched witch thing.

I cannot believe he would say that to your daughter! That is bang out of order. Are there any other relationship issues between you and dh?

So hes turning your child against you? Thats really sinister. Abusive and confusing for the child and for you.

I agree. Dh needs to tell her that is naughty to call mummy a witch.
I think it's a hard age you know. Also dad put them in front of the TV.. no demands.
You are there more so maybe disciplining more etc.

Dh said the witch comment
No wonder you have issues with confidence!

Yes we have had relationship issues.
He said that was a joke. He does have a sarcastic and warped sense of humour so I can believe it.

@again2020

I think he likes it to be honest ..it must be a boost for him . It was him who said the witched witch thing.

Shit. He needs a bloody strong talking to. The entire relationship would be in jeopardy if he were my partner.

That witch comment was really horrible of him! Especially as he must realise you're feeling sensitive about this.

Apart from that it all sounds normal. My DD was a massive daddy's girl at that age, she even chose DH to go with her when she had to go to hospital and only one of us could go. These days she's 14yo and we're really close.

@ParmigianoReggiano Thank you. That's interesting to read and glad you are close now. Did you change anything or did she just 'come back' to you?

No, we didn't change anything. In fact I tried hard to embrace it and be pleased they had such a lovely relationship.

@ParmigianoReggiano That is nice. I appreciate your reply.

DS was like this… I had lots of time with him yet daddy trumped everything. I saw it as a good thing!!

Happy to let daddy take over when he was hime and I got on with stuff (usually cup of tea and cake!)

Embrace this phase it’ll all change and you’ll regret not taking advantage.

He’s encouraging it with comments like the wicked witch! That’s awful OP

The witch comment is horrible. My 6 year old ds has a preference for me but i’ve always bigged my DH up to him because I want to encourage a close relationship between them. If he ever says ‘i love you and not daddy’ I remind him of all the lovely things his daddy does for him each day. I also tell him that saying things like that can hurt his daddy’s feelings. It's normal for kids to have preferences but I think the preferred parent should try and encourage a more even handed approach and champion the parent who isn't winning at favourites.

Bloody hell, if my h had said the witch comment I've have told him exactly what a twat he was and how horrible it was.

He needs to have your back. Sounds like he's enjoying being the favourite parent and he's belittling you and putting you down. Don't stand for it! You're worth more than that.

Daddy obsessions are common at this age if he's the fun one but wow re the world I thing. It wasn't a joke - 3 year olds don't get jokes anyway. How horrible!

Do you think he's encouraging her to not like you?

Thanks everyone. I haven't written it here but I did have a huge go at him for it 😬
It's really ruined my evening! I'm not sure how to go about things with DD. Would you change anything?

@slightlysnippy No, not because he particularly wants her to like me but because he'd like to be left in peace more.
I'd love to take her to bed. He says I'm too needy. I don't know really 🙈

That witch comment makes me think he isn't very nice to you in other ways?

That's brutal OP, I assume he's now buried in the garden.

Your OH sounds very manipulative and your DD sounds like she's being heavily influenced by him. What she may have said once or twice to get his (lack of) attention he's obviously enjoyed and now knows how to play her to make him look like Disney Dad and you the Wicked Witch.

I'd actually want to hear what he says to her when you're not around.

He's not a good Dad playing with her young developing emotions like this.

You need to have stern words with your OH and explain the damage it will do.