I've been mom shamed by my own Mother!

[WJM2020]

I need to vent to people I don't know.
I went back to work when my DS was 9 months old.
I work 4 days a week. 2 days he's at nursery, 1 day with my mom and the other with my MIL and of course the other day he is with me.
I mentioned to my mom that I'm going back to work full time in January and she literally judged me on the spot!
'You'll never see him'
'Why are you working so much!'
'You don't spend enough time with your son'
'I don't think it's right you sending him to nursery'
I could carry on!
It's my choice to be a working mom but at the same time, I have to work. I can't afford to stay at home full time, or work less than 4 days a week.
She made me feel like absolute shit for being a working mom!
My mom was a stay at home mom throughout our entire childhood. I respected her choice to do this and anyone else for that matter, but why should I be made to feel like a crappy mom for wanting to have a career and provide for my son and give him the best life I can???
My DH works full time- she hasn't said anything to him, because it's the mans job to go to work and provide! Er..... have I teleported into the 1940's and didn't realise!?!?!?
She always taught me if I haven't got anything nice to say then don't say anything at all! Any particular reason why she can't take her own advice!
I'm outraged and so angry with her!
Anyone experienced mom shaming from your own parents???

I would be too. Does she know how hurt you feel? I'm a single parent and my child is in childcare more than she is with me. Them the breaks though- I can't afford not to work full time (and the rest).

I have a 14 month old and he's going to the childminder full time as I'm working. We don't have family closeby.

I feel like ever since I've gone back to work there is A LOT of people judging me.

People just love to judge working mothers.

Ask you mother if she wants to support you with the bills then so that you can be a stay at home mother.

@SethWho I told her she made me feel like shit and she just said that she was entitled to her opinion! 🤔
@Cruiser123 I told her that! I said how about you pay me what I need to be able to stay at home and she just looked at me and said that it wasn't her job!
I'm just floored as my mom is my best friend, my partner in crime. She has been the most supportive, caring person EVER, but ever since I've gone back to work I feel like she is looking down at me abs how me and my DH parent.
Whilst we live a comfortable life financially we have bills to pay and that requires going to work!
I'm just waiting for 'if you can't afford to have kids, and look after him yourself, you shouldn't of had him!' Phrase
I won't be held responsible for my reaction if that comes out of her mouth! 😬

My mum said the same thing when I went back to work when my DD was 13 months old. I told her that unless she wanted to pay the shortfall on the mortgage payments it wasn’t up for discussion. I still get the odd comment about work but not to the same degree.
But then again, she’s always quick to offer her opinions. Solids at 4 months, stop breastfeeding and go to formula at 6 months, ‘should be’ sleeping through by 4 months (no one gave my DD that memo) etc.
I have learnt to roll my eyes when she’s not looking and change the subject.

Try not to take it to heart. You are doing the opposite to what your mum did, by disagreeing with your choices she is validating her own. If she thought you were right she would likely need to admit she missed out on a career or similar. There are no rights and wrongs per se, just right or wrong for you.

@SingingWaffleDoggy oh I get it about I shouldn't be so rigid with his routine. My child is a happy and well balanced and a good sleeper (🥳🥳🥳🥳) because of his routine.
We have a white noise machine and she doesn't agree with that either. Setting ourselves up for failure apparently. She doesn't use when she has him for me that one day a week and shockingly enough my DS doesn't sleep no where near as well. Funny that eh! 🤔🤔🤔

I’m a LP. Went back to work ft when DS was 1- didn’t have a choice.

He’s now 5 and in school, with wraparound 4 days p/w.

Whenever DS is going through a tricky stage, I get the same thing from my mother EVERY time- most recently last week:

“ he just needs more quality time with you”.

When?!?!? How?!?!

He cosleeps still. He is there at 6am when I open my eyes. I look after him at home until 8.30, then he’s at school/wraparound until 5.

From 5-7.30 it’s just the two of us, at home, talking, eating, having a bath, reading...

Then he’s in my bed most nights from mid night.

At weekends it’s just me and him, mostly. We go to kids parties. Long walks. To the beach, to the woods. We go to lego club, museums, galleries. We chill out at home and watch films or play. And alllll the time, we’re talking, snuggling, laughing. Sometimes tantrumming (usually him. Sometimes me )

I never go out. I don’t date. I DO work away 2-3 days per month. But that’s IT.

It’s my mother’s way of shaming me for working, and I fucking hate it.

I also restructured my working days and split my time between 2 jobs- a “main” job and a consultancy role part time, so I could finish on the dot of 5, and I pick up the rest of my work when he’s sleeping- meaning I’m fucking exhausted alllll of the time.

And it’s STILL not enough for my DM. Honestly some days I could weep.

@WJM2020

If you're planning on other children, be aware that 'having a good routine' does not guarantee a 'good sleeper'.

But other than that, your Mum is entitled to her opinions, and you are entitled to tell her to keep them to herself!

Your life, your baby, your decision. She doesn't have to agree with you 💁🏻‍♀️

I think since youre close with her, tell her that shes really upset you with her judgement that she knows full well you have to work. Everythings more expensive now. Most families need two incomes and to quit trying to guilt you as its unkind and upsetting and you could do with her support here

Just the other day i mentioned something to my mother about DH doing homework with DS7 and how he sometimes^^ overhelps him.

Cue comments about how it's my job as his mother to do homework with my child.

Funnily enough, although it didn't occur to me at the time, my only memories of homework help are from my dad..

Anyone experienced mom shaming from your own parents???

Briefly, yes. My DM was aghast when I gave up my career to become a SAHM. Told me I'd be bored, become boring etc.

Like with your DM it was the opposite to the choices that she made so possibly she was actually defending herself.

Horses for courses.

I was moving house, essentially on my own with two kids under two. Mum and dad came over to take the children back to their house and I said I’d follow them when I found one of the cats who’d basically hidden (it was literally moving day and I was going to have to leave the cat in the wild). She told me I cared about the cats more than the children

My mum sticks her beak in all the time. I just ignore it!

You are doing the opposite to what your mum did, by disagreeing with your choices she is validating her own
This is the crux of it.
I’m in the opposite situation, decided to take some time out when my DC was born.
The criticism I received from my female friends who returned to work was unreal. Some of it very hurtful.
It took time for me to realise that most of it was about justifying their own choices, as opposed to criticising mine.

@WJM2020 my baby is 5 months old, and also have a toddler- i have to go back to work at 9 months as we wouldn't be able to afford the rent! Now my mum was SAHM as well, and she doesn't agree with me going back part time at all! But I have no other option but to go back!

Just tell her you don’t need her judgement, and if she is going to carry on with her unhelpful comments then you will put your child into nursery 3 days a week and dispense with her services

After one too many mum shaming comments from my DM I then started mum shaming her in return for the crap that she put me through as a child. She quickly learned that if she hurt me, then she was hurt in return, and started dialling it down.

She’s entitled to her opinion.
You are entitled to yours.
You are a grown up and a parent, and making your own choices and decisions, so ignore her. And consider stopping using her for free childcare, if her opinion offends you so much.

Ladies! I've just sat and read all of these comments (I went to bed early 😆) and I just want to say thank you!
You all have very good points and funnily enough I have thought about stopping her from looking after him the one day she has him if needs be, but I think that will be a worst case scenario. Tbh, I told her exactly how she made me feel, so I'm hoping she got the message and she won't do it again!
My post is literally the first time she has mom shamed me.
I also find it very interesting with some of you saying that perhaps she is trying to validate he own life choices when we were little instead of going back to work.
Thinking about it, you may be right, as my dad left when I was 3 and we had to sell everything and be housed by the council and my mom was better off with no job then actually getting a job. She was more made to stay at home for financial reasons, so going back to work was not an option for her.
I shall see what transpires today as she is looking after DS today!
Thank you all so much for your posts. ❤️

She's wrong to shame you but is entitled to her opinion.

DH and I agreed that I would be a SAHM until youngest child started school. We both believe that's what's best for DCs. He has horrible memories of being minded and of nursery. His mum was widowed and had no choice but wouldn't have chosen that way if she hadn't had to.

I was an early years teacher and could tell the difference in minded/nursery children and those with a SAH parent.

It's your choice what you do and your mum is being unkind but she's entitled to think as she does.

Im a single mum , 30 years old, my husband left me when I was pregnant so I moved in with my mom. My baby girls is 7 months old and I have to go out of the country for work this week and thought it would be nice to stay the weekend as I have some friends there. When I thought about this my mom said it was a great idea, she has been very supportive but now the trip is approaching, she is making me feel super guilty saying that she would never leave for 5 nights if she was me. Am I a terrible mom for doing this? I was looking forward to this trip but now I’m feeling bad…

Op, I agree that it is frustrating and unfair. Your mum is talking nonsense. No doubt about that.

Having said that, my mum (and to a lesser extent my dad) has told me exactly the same thing every time I have spoken to her since ds has joined nursery. My mum criticises everything I do when it comes to parenting. Mostly just because it's not the way she did it. it absolutely drives me up the wall and I get very annoyed with her. However, I know that she loves me to pieces and thinks I'm god's gift to humanity and every one should worship the path I thread on. She just talks a lot of shit, she doesn't have a filter, she worries a lot (about the grand kids) and thinks we are close enough so that she can say whatever she likes. She thinks I'm still 5 years old and need guidance. I mean, I think she literally thinks I'm a small child and need her guidance or otherwise I will come to harm. I wonder if it's like that for all parents. Maybe it's hard to.let go and see your grown up child as an adult?

It makes me angry but it doesn't hurt my feelings if that makes sense? I'm not a saint. I snap at her when she does this or just dismiss it, sometimes rudely and she doesn't hold that against me either so I try not to hold the shit she tells me against her either. If I needed practical or financial help I know my parents wouldn't hesitate for a second to help if they agree with me or not. (They live in a different country so don't get an opportunity to help often but I know they would)

What I'm trying to say is mums talk a lot of shit. If she is otherwise a good mum I'd try to let it go.

Nobody mum shames me more than my own parents but because they are my parents and are mostly good, caring parents even if utterly infuriating I accept that and try not to take.it personal.