Met my friend about 8 years ago when her DCs were toddlers and my eldest was a toddler too. We’ve since both had an extra kid. We were both living in a foreign country and since then have both moved to another foreign country - so we are kind of like family as we are away from our extended families. Her middle kid is now 10.
There’s just one problem. My friend and her husband have always been rubbish at disciplining their kids. Her middle child has always had trouble regulating his emotions. He had angry tantrums at 2 that were extreme. My friend would give him treats to stop him from screaming (clearly reinforcing the behavior, which I silently cringed at). Now, at 10, he has punched and attacked several other kids at school and been suspended a few times.
He’s never attacked my eldest, but they aren’t as close anymore as he was possessive of my son (who is easygoing). We are still in a lot of group events (we live in a small community where lots of families get together).
This kid is absolutely fine when he’s with me. I discipline him like my own kids (nothing harsh but I tell him when he’s crossed a line) and he takes it. With his own parents he’s awful: he hits his mum, he’s often moody and difficult. He can be sweet too when he’s in a good mood but he creates constant problems in their family. Both the other kids in the family have anxiety. He often refuses to go to school etc.
It’s kind of awkward as now over the years several different families have confided in me about how their kids have been affected by the middle child’s behavior. I try to be discreet. But it makes me feel uncomfortable and stressed that my friends don’t seem to be doing anything much about their kid who clearly has issues.
My friends aren’t open about it. They prefer to brush the incidents under the rug. They don’t mention them or ask for input.
I generally don’t say anything at all. If we are in a group and I see him being mean and the parents aren’t watching, I intervene and so does my husband.
My friend has asked for my advice about 3x over the course of our friendship and when asked, I’ve given it. I’ve really encouraged her to get him evaluated, given her suggestions about not reinforcing bad behavior, making him say sorry whether he wants to or not (she doesn’t do this), giving him tools to manage his anger etc. She then doesn’t seem to do too much. I think she just doesn’t want to deal with it and she also believes what he says saying things like, ‘He’s an easy target…’ when in my opinion he’s the one antagonizing others, not the other way around.
I’m torn. I think it’s not really my business or my responsibility but I also think this kid could end up doing something that will not be fixable and then am I a bad friend for not letting her know now that I think she needs to step it up? A few weeks ago he stabbed someone in the hand with a pencil etc. What if someone gets poked in the eye or something? I’m also questioning what kind of friends we even really are if I can’t be open with her (I’m worried she’ll get defensive) and she doesn’t seem to want to be open with me.
How should I proceed? Part of me feels sorry for this kid as I do think stronger boundaries would help although clearly there is more to it than just that.