I'm nasty and spiteful

[chigley]

I have had a tough time over the past year and so have my children in one way or another. They are hard work at the moment and I'm getting stressed with them.

I made a decision not to smack them but I've now found myself acting like a spiteful kid. We were out tonight and they were playing up and I found myself stepping on toes and giving my dd's hair a little tug. I wasn't being really rough with them but I'm horrified at my pathetic behaviour.

I've got to nip this in the bud now and would appreciate your advice.

Sounds like you need more "me-time". When they really play you up you could try simply walking off, this may teach them not to do it, at the same time reducing the temptation for you to be mean. Maybe some adult company might help? Then if they play up, you have someone there to ignore them with. I know it can be very hard to ignore them if there is actually nothing else to do!

For a start you are not nasty and spiteful... If you really were you wouldn't be posting this. Is it possible that you are feeling a little out of control? I mean control of them. What your doing could be because of frustration. It's hard when you tell a child over and over and they don't pay attention. I've gotten like that before, with ds, but i felt /so/ guilty that it just never happened again. How do you usually punish them for bad behavior?

Chigley - what is the point of not smacking them if you then hurt them anyway? What was behind not smacking them in the first place and how in your mind does this not apply to stepping on toes or pulling hair?

I just cannot (and never have) been able to get my head round why some adults think that they can physically hurt their children in a way that would be unacceptable if it was another adult they were directing their behaviour at.

Also, TBH - it all sounds very childish on your part - sorry but that is my view

As for advice - can only say - stop being such a bully to your children

Soapbox i think you are being a little unfair. The point is Chigley knows that what she is doing isn't right and wants to stop herself feeling the way she does. which is leading her to do the things she's doing, she's here for help not hanging. go easy eh!

Message withdrawn

Soapbox - you are right of course. I am acting like a spiteful child and I know its not right but you can't make me feel worse than i do already.

I think that often parents will say they won't smack but then find themselves at a loss of how to deal with parenting issues if they haven't got the threat of the smack to rely on.

You need to find other strageies to deal with difficult behaviour. I'm not sure how old your kids are but this might help:

www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

Maybe get some prenting books out from the library and get your head round what you will do in certain scenarios and work from there.

Good luck!

I really am not normally that harsh on here or in RL - honestly. Look at all my other posts. I just find it really hard to condone hurting children.

But if I try hard to shake that off then the advice I would give is to establish firm boundaries to yourself. You;ve done this with smacking, so now do it with any other form of hurting, physical or emotional.

There's a slyness to hairpulling and standing on toes ( a kind of I'm going to hurt you but in a way that's not obvious). I would say that you need to work hard at why you have reverted to this type of behaviour, which lets face it is unusual in an adult. Are there things from your past that make this type of behaviour seem more acceptable than smacking?

Anyway - will bow out of this thread now - I'm sure you will get more supportive people with more constructive ideas. But please, please stop this - its not good for you and it certainly isn;t good for your children.

CHigley, the point is you want to do something about it. You love your kids and would never want to hurt them.
You said you've had a tough time recently, have you had any kind of councelling? Would you want it? Perhaps it's what you need?

I wouldn't say you were being sly for the hair pulling etc, the way I am seeing it is you have taken away your method of chastisement as a parent punishing your child (smacking) and are resorting to your previous methods that you may have used as a child yourself (hairpulling) because you haven't got any other methods for dealing with difficult behaviour you can draw upon.

can i just say that at first i thought soapbox was a little harsh but she even had me questioning my own behaviour and said the greatest statement about you would never treat an adult like that. i snapped at my boys today becaue i needed some space, wouldn't do that with anyone else, she has a real point. if it has made me think tomorrow i wont be as grumpy then good on her. perhaps pussy footing around wont make you wake up and she did want help.

Take some time out of your day to spend entirely with yourself. I know it's easier said than done sometimes. Perhaps you are angry with someone else and your dds are getting the flack?
Reacting to children is attention, which is a reward for whatever they did to get that reaction. Try to count to ten, and if you need to then remove them to a safe place out of your sight until you feel you can discipine them without hurting them. Again easier said than done, I know.
Your reaction sounds like you don't feel very "in charge" of your dds, but you are, and they look to you; whatever you do to them, they will do to each other and then to other children.
Maybe some assertiveness classes would help?

I think socci and colditzmum are right. DO you have anyone who can take the strain off of you a bit? Help you out so you can get some time for yourself? And if you can, ignoring is a great tactic. I do it to ds all the time, if he's naughty i tell him that i am going to leave the room and i'll talk to him when he's being a good boy. Seems to work. But then he's three, how old are your dds?

The thing with smacking and the behaviour that chigley describes, is that you try to tell them, cajole them, whatever, into what you are trying to do and then when they don't/won't do it, you get frustrated, especially if it is constantly happening, and I challenge anyone to say that they haven't lost it with their kids at some point.
Chigley for what its worth, I've been there, done it and got the t shirt.

Lets face it, kids can be the most selfish, demanding, annoying, frustrating people on the earth. Adults don't behave like kids do normally, and if they did then you wouldn't bother with them, would you?

I can't stand this self-righteous attitude about smacking, I try not to smack mine, but have done, very occasionally, and I resent people or the government trying to tell me what I can and can't do. They aren't here 24/7 trying to deal with the situation.

Anyway, there are different ways or dealing with it, but it does sound like you need a break, or some time to yourself, or to reduce the stress involved.

Can you post what the problem is with your children, is it fighting, bickering??

Sometimes when mine are winding me up big time I have found that I can diffuse things, by distraction, ie saying something silly to stop them doing whatever it is that is causing the problem.

Let us know what the worst thing is?

Initial questions & thoughts that might be helpful:

How many kids, chigley? How old? What kind of help/support do you have? Partner? Family? Friends? How much time to yourself? What can you do to get more of the above? Have you got dosh to buy in babysitting, for example?

Do you work/stay home? Are you happy with this decision or does it feel like a non-choice/necessity?

How easy do you find it to stay in control of yourself? Have you tried deep breathing, meditation, visualising? Pinging a rubber band on your arm when you think you're about to lose it? Giving yourself timeout? (Hard when you are out with them I know)

Are you having enough positive "good times" with your kids? Are you remembering to notice and praise them when they are behaving?

Do your kids listen when you try to be calm, firm and assertive? Can you think of times when things have worked well and build on what you did then? How do you respond to them in the early stages of misbehaviour?

Congrats on deciding to nip this in the bud. I think you are doing the right thing.

Thank you for your advice so far. It is difficult for me to say too much about my situation without revealing my identity but I'm on my own in a far from perfect situation.

I think I react this way out of pure frustration, my children will not listen to me. At home I would normally send them out of the room until things calmed down. This wasn't an option last night and I dealt with things badly.

I love my children more than anything and if anyone else even moans about them it really annoys me. How then can I treat them like this?

For a long time I have felt that I am a poor parent but my children are here and I need to find a way to cope better.

Well, that sounds stressful, chigley. Maybe you need to explore this with a friend or professional who you can talk to a bit more freely? I am sure you will be able to change your reactions when you think about the triggers and decide on alternative responses and strategies. Sometimes just being in a better place (mentally, emotionally, physically) helps people enormously. Good luck to you and your children.

Chigley,

You are not a spiteful person or nasty - you are just not coping and very stressed, perhaps depressed. This is the only reason that you've reacted like this. Crikey if I was on my own with a couple of kids to look after I would be totally at the end of my tether. Of course its wrong to pull hair etc and it must stop - but you know that, and that is why you have posted.

Could you contact homestart (I think thats what they are called) for a bit of practical help with the children. You wouldn't need to tell them what you have just told us.

Chigley, hope you are doing ok. Hopefully everything everyone here has said, has helped. I think you already know but the key to sorting the problem is to figure out what is really causing it. Things have been tough i know, but /what about that/ has caused this behaviour. I sorry to hear that you are on your own, and that the situation isn't good. I have been a single mum in the past and know it isn't easy. It can get very lonely, frustrating, and not to mention really hard work. I know when i was in the situation i felt very guilty for wanting time out. It took me a long time to realise that time out for me was also better for my son. I really hope you a re able to get some help/support. Good luck.

Thank you for your advice over the weekend. I'm going to make a real effort to get this sorted. I hope you won't mind if I come back and ask for advice when a situation is developing.

Hi Chigley, glad you are ok. Hope everything is working out. I'm glad your seeking help. Sorry i didn't catch up with this sooner but i haven't been anywhere near a computer since friday night. One question... Do you have, or s there anyone you feel that you can really talk to about it? Other than here? I don't want to make you feel like your being interrogated, it's just that i know how lonely being a single mum can be. However you got there.

You sound really overstretched and overstressed. I think we have all been mean to our much-adored children at one time or another. Shouting, sniping, criticising, manhandling, dragging - we are flawed human beings. That's not to say it's OK, but if you yourself know it isn't that's a huge step forward IMO. I think you need to look at the root causes of why you feel so at the end of your tether, because that's where the problem lies , I suspect, not in your uniquely nasty personality (which I dont' think you have AT ALL, btw) or in your uniquely horrid kids (again, certain this isn't the case). You sound like you are so stressed that it's not taking very much for you to get overloaded and out of control. I have felt like that myself, and my answer is usually to send to ds to his grandma's for the morning or cut down on work/chores. Don't know what's possible for you.

I think that now you've acknowledged that you do this and that it is childish and spiteful, you are most of the way there to stopping it.

Chigley,

try www.home-start.org.uk

(sorry, can't do links)