MIL angst!

[roadmap24]

Omg I am so annoyed with my other half's mum. Since I had my baby 11 months ago she has gone from being barely existent in my life (which was fab tbh!) to thinking she can say what she likes. She treats me like a little girl who needs guidance on how to be a mum (I'm 39 and have lived abroad, worked in various great jobs, lived in major cities and travelled, have a good job etc). I would say I've probably lost confidence a bit as I've found being a mum really hard so I feel like she's just swooped in when she's seen a weakness and thinks she can say what she likes. Whenever my baby does something she says 'ahh that's because we show him how to do that' errrrr you have him once a week, I think it might be because we have shown him?! She proceeds to tell people what my baby likes/dislikes etc in front of me when she hasn't the first clue. She wants to buy my babies first shoes for Xmas and I just want her to back off! She has pretty much dictated my babies first birthday to me - 'why don't you take him to your mums in the morning and come here in the afternoon and people can come around' - what so you get the best slot when everyone is available?! My own mum has been there since day 1, supported me after a tricky birth, sees my little one every day and looks after him more. I want her to buy his first shoes and spend time with him all day on his bday. I have had my first Covid vaccine and have delayed having my second as I felt so bad after my first (I will have it, just when I can mentally psyche myself up) and she said to me 'do me a favour - have that vaccine - think about your little one, think about him'. How rude!! I will have it when I'm ready and it's got nothing to do with her!! Especially using my baby as some sort of guilt trip!! I honestly feel like just phasing her out, I know it's her grandchild but I just can't bear it. Any support welcome!

To be honest, it just sounds like she loves you all 🤷🏼‍♀️

I know it's frustrating having other people's families around (and sometimes even your own!), but it doesn't sound like it coming from a bad place at all. Re: the shoes- why don't you either say 'actually I think we'd like to get his first shoes' or, take advantage of the doting grandma and say 'right, when are you taking us shopping for shoes grandma?!'.

My mum LOVES spending money on my son, and I am not going to stop her 😂

If you stood up to her - properly stood up to her, like you would with someone at work who was crossing your boundaries - would your DH back you up?

I had similar from my ex mil, calling ds her baby, totally ignoring my wishes. I gave her a taste of her own medicine, completely ignored her, if she came to our house, ds needed a feed & a change, we went upstairs until she left. It took a couple of months, you need your dh on your side.

I am currently living in fear this will be me next year. Exact same as you- we hardly spoke before pregnant and now she’s like my best friend and it’s very annoying. I think you hit the nail on the head with the very first bit of your post about you being 39 and very capable but her treating you like a child. My mil is doing this also. I think you need to draw a boundary and do things how you want. Hard because she will play the hurt victim inexiect but she’s forced you there by not being respectful in the first place. I disagre with the pp who wrote ‘sounds like she just loves you all’ - yes she does but shes also being totally selfish and not considering other people’s feelings. It’s very rude to interfere and not react to subtle cues about people’s boundaries - some people are tone deaf and then when are stonewalled or offended by someone telling them to back off, they are so hurt and become the victim, but their ‘help’ came from a place of making themselves feel good, not making the other person feel good so IMO it’s selfishness. If you can’t tolerate it op you need to draw a boundary now. You can do it politely, good luck xxxx

I don't know. Babies can bring family members together, if you are open to it. Perhaps she sees that you are struggling, and rather than sensing weakness and swooping, she is trying to help? It sounds like she loves her grandchild and wants to be involved in his life. This doesn't diminish your role. You are still his mama. But his life will also be enriched by having enthusiastic, generous, loving grandparents.