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Original poster

Finding playgroups with 1 year old awkward

22 replies

eeeeeeeeh · 04/11/2021 11:01

My daughter hasn't long turned 1 and we only started going to playgroups in the last couple of months as everything where I live was very slow starting back with covid. Anyway I'm finding them very awkward so much that I'm not sure I'll keep going to them.
I find when my daughter is playing right near other children I try to talk to the other mums and don't get much back. I ask questions, how old is your child, etc and they just answer but don't ask or make conversation back. I feel like if I didn't say anything we'd just be right next to each other in silence. I see these mums talking to others so maybe they know them from before as I'm new to the area and moved here in lockdown. I thought if I kept going they would naturally start talking more but that doesn't seem to have happened.
Should I just keep trying or take the hint if they don't ask questions back they're not interested in talking. I was hoping to get friendly with some other mums going to these groups but at this point I'm not sure I can even handle the awkwardness of going and I've given up hope of making any friends at them. I tried the peanut app and haven't found that much better. I met up with a couple of mums on it but every time I've suggested meeting again they never reply or say they're busy.
Would it disadvantage my daughter if I stopped going to the groups and just started taking her more to softplay, cafes, shopping centres, markets, etc. She does spend time with my family too. I would love to meet others and not just be on my own with my daughter most of the time but right now I feel like I'm wasting my time a bit with these groups

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ReturntoSpamfritters · 04/11/2021 11:13

I didn't get on with playgroups either, soft play was more fun anyway.

black2black · 04/11/2021 11:15

I found they weren’t v friendly either. A lot of them were friends because their older children were at school together. I found they talked amongst themselves and didn’t make any effort to include me. I’d feel rude interrupting but I wanted to make friends.

I ended up meeting lots of friends through the app mush and local music baby group

Dcrolo12345 · 04/11/2021 11:50

Bitches.... I’ve been to one like that and didn’t go back. The best group I went too was a free library group I made a good friend from there , don’t think there on anymore though? You don’t have to go if you don’t want too she won’t suffer. Otherwise try a few others and don’t go back to that one ? It’s not you so don’t feel bad , it’s like being back at school sometimes x

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1 year olds Families General parenting

Tee20x · 04/11/2021 11:53

It's very uncomfortable isn't it.

I went to a sing and rhyme session the other day and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up I was cringing so hard lol.

I think sometimes a lot of people are in the same boat with feeling awkward, not knowing what to say etc. I can be a bit like that and am someone who welcomes people talking to me but I am hesitant to put myself out there and be the one to approach just incase it's awkward.

Like PP said, often mums know eachother through older kids or being regulars at some other form of activity in the area so can seem more chatty with one another.

I would keep trying a few more times though and push through the awkwardness.

Palmfrond · 04/11/2021 11:55

This sounds very familiar. People don’t often talk about how lonely and isolating early years are for the parents. You sound like a social person and you are finding out how so many people have the social skills of a brick.
Luckily one year olds don’t give a monkey’s about other one year olds, and are most happy hanging out with their family, or just going out to shops, cafe, soft play like you suggest.
If she goes to nursery at some point it will/should be easier to arrange play dates with people who are more likely on your own wavelength.
And you’ll find this strange awkwardness carries on into the school years, the little cliques of mums/dads.
If you haven’t already you should watch Motherland, it’s spot on!

Classicblunder · 04/11/2021 12:29

I really enjoy playgroups - it's nice to go somewhere more relaxed than a class or soft play. I did eventually make a couple of friends at playgroups but mostly I viewed them as a chance to focus on playing without the distractions at home - housework/admin etc

shivawn · 04/11/2021 12:50

That sounds really shit OP. I haven't been to any playgroups yet because my baby is only 2 weeks old but I did have some success on Peanut while pregnant and made 4 good friends who all had babies around the same date as me. I found that I had to cast a really wide net to meet people that I could easily talk to and who were actually interested in forming friendships. I probably started conversations with 50 other women that went absolutely nowhere.

need2change · 04/11/2021 18:38

I’m probably one of those mums who might come across as awkward or unfriendly… the truth is I’m desperate to make friends but have got awful social anxiety, and struggle to talk to others until I’ve met them a few times. I really wish I could be more relaxed in social situations but I find it so hard! It’s very isolating

nameyouwhat · 04/11/2021 18:40

awful clicky places..don't go!

OrionsAccessory · 04/11/2021 18:51

I found it really difficult at first but I needed to get out of the house so I just kept going. I’d offer to help with the snack, putting toys away, or any other jobs that needed doing and found that an easier way to chat to other parents. I also found Grans and Dads to be easier to get a conversation going with at first too, maybe they don’t feel the same kind of pressure to create a friendship group (and the Grans have been there and done it all before!)

need2change · 04/11/2021 18:59

I also found Grans and Dads to be easier to get a conversation going with at first too

I’ve found this too actually!

KatieKat88 · 04/11/2021 19:18

Try a couple of playgroups as some are nicer than others. I try to be open to talking to anyone and everyone but now DD is almost 2 she runs off to the next thing and I have to trail her to check she isn't running riot, so that makes it difficult to hold a conversation!

gunnersgold · 04/11/2021 19:25

Just try and find your people , humans are fickle things and will gravitate to similar people .
Look for women who you think are similar to you and try talking to them .
Maybe these mums are on their 2/3/4 th child and can't be bothered as they have friends already . It's not really that they are bitchy , I really don't think women are inherently bitchy , much more likely insecure and anxious themselves !
Keep going and keeping chatting you will find your people eventually!

QuiltedHippo · 04/11/2021 19:40

I've just started to go to a few playgroups now mine is old enough to know what a toy is, definitely found people more likely to have older kids, turn up with a friend etc than the organised baby groups. They seem more of a way to get out the house than for people to meet others when I compare them to baby sensory etc, could you try those activities instead? Plus you can focus on the activity if you're not talking to anyone in that sort of thing

again2020 · 04/11/2021 19:45

I found them so awkward and still do (DD is nearly 4!). I felt like I stood around like a lemon with the mum's ..I found the dad's and grans easier to talk to aswell. With the mum's it feels a bit like a school popularity thing ...I didn't fit in then and I don't now! 🤣
If Dad's, Grans or the organisers don't make it a more enjoyable experience then don't feel obliged to attend any.
Softplay can be a good place to meet or I find it more relaxing overall.

76WasAHotSummer · 04/11/2021 19:49

I was talking about this very thing with a friend last week.

We moved to a new area where I didn't know a soul when our youngest was 18 months. I'm quite shy but made the effort to go to the local toddler group as I was feeling so isolated. The organiser took my money, showed me where the tea and coffee was and left me and DD to it. Nobody spoke to us and I felt so self conscious. The following week I couldn't face it, but the next week I forced myself. There was a woman there who hadn't been there the first time and she said "Hello, you're new" and we just really hit it off. Meeting her changed everything. Our DDs became best friends and she and I ended up running the group for a couple of years (and we always made newbies very welcome).

I met my friend last week for coffee. Our DDs are 25 now! Her younger DD is having a rough time at uni - not making friends but trying hard. I said "It only takes one person to change everything - you were my one person" and she felt the same too.

It only takes one person OP, so I'd give it a bit more time. When you go have a few questions ready about local family things, baby classes etc. Is there a local FB page? Maybe ask if anyone fancies meeting at the park or local cafe?

Good luck, I know how tough it is.

AliceW89 · 04/11/2021 20:06

I doubt anyone is being intentionally bitchy. I take DS (1.5) to toddler groups on my days off as he likes all the different people and activities. I’m more than happy to chat to people, but due to a combination of needing eyes in the back of my head and generally being a bit knackered, proper friendships aren’t going to happen in that setting. It’s easier to make friends when they are tiny IMO as there is a ton of camaraderie and life is purely focused on the baby. After the age of 1, when a lot of people are back to work or maybe expecting another (or both) it’s just not as much of a priority, I guess.

Scarby9 · 04/11/2021 20:10

@76WasAHotSummer
That is such a lovely story!
And I agree about the sunner of 76 - really happy memories (77 was pretty good too).

thechaseison · 04/11/2021 20:45

I agree with @AliceW89, I take my 18 month old and 4 month old but it's purely for their benefit and I'm pleasant and polite with the mums but I'm not really there for them at all. Plus got my hands full so trying to having a conversation would just make it stressful- I'm just there to enjoy my babies development

NuffSaidSam · 04/11/2021 20:51

It will vary group to group and also session to session so try some different ones if you have any in your area/give some a break and try again in a few weeks.

When trying to make conversation, I'd try and steer it away from purely baby chat (how old are they etc.) and try to talk to them as people (not just mums). Also, a more open-ended question might get a fuller response. Most people are just shy/socially awkward/tired/too busy watching their kids etc.

But if you don't like playgroups that's fine and your child will be in no way negatively affected. It's absolutely fine not to go. Stick to softplay/the playground if you prefer.

KatherineofGaunt · 04/11/2021 22:27

I wish people would talk to dads more. My DH is a SAHD and perfectly happy to chat. But the other mums at local groups just ignore him.

So, it's not just you, OP. I guess many groups are like this - people go with friends already or they make friends at NCT or something. We'd love some more friends around here.

Wagglerock · 04/11/2021 23:30

I've found it easier to make friends at classes rather than playgroups when it's a bit more tricky because you're trying to chat and watch your baby/toddler at the same time. I'm not always mega chatty at these things because I often just want to drink my tea in peace!

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