How do you deal with kids being unkind?

[neeedofeedo]

My daughter is 8 and has been having some trouble at school with another girl (A) who she has been close friends with since age 3/4.

it seems A wasn't happy about my daughter playing with another kid a few weeks ago and it all stems from there.

A said she was left out, my daughter said A hadn't asked to play with them and didn't know she was upset. I reminded her to be aware of friends being lonely and to look out for anyone by themselves etc, but I didn't believe she had intentionally done anything wrong.

Since then my daughter has asked A to play numerous times at break times and my daughter said she just says 'no' gives dirty looks and will not engage with her.

It was really upsetting my daughter so while I don't like to get involved in kids disagreements I decided to let their teacher know so she could keep a eye on the situation. She wasn't wanting to go to school or after school clubs because she was worried about how A would be with her.

Teacher agreed there is a situation between them and got them together for a chat, my daughter said it went good and she felt happy that things might go back to normal. She was excited to be friends again.

Less than a day later A is back to refusing to play, and told my daughter not to tell teachers about her upsetting her in future.

Teacher has asked my daughter if she would like to sit away from A in class and my daughter said yes she would like to be moved.

I'm at the end of my tether, it's causing her a lot of anxiety and upset.

I've told my daughter she deserves better and to leave A be and play with other friends. I told her she can't let once child's behaviour affect her to the point she doesn't want to go to school.

I tried to approach A's mum as I know her but she was quite blunt and said her daughter doesn't have to play with anyone she doesn't want to and seemed to be suggesting my daughter was the problem "because she left A out on the first place" so I won't be bothering her again in a hurry!

I don't really know what I'm asking really. I want to teach her to be more resilient and not be bothered by silly kids being unkind, but I know that's easier said than done when you are 8 it's the end of the world

What would you do in this situation? Or how have you dealt with kids friendship problems?

You just have to let them sort it out themselves I'm afraid, it will blow over eventually.
You are probably dragging it out by going to the teacher/ the other Mum, even though you are trying to help it just ramps in up the drama.

The other girl probably did feel left out, she's just an 8yo same as yours.

Support your daughter through it, keep talking to her and encouraging her to ignore and play with others.

It is horrible, but just part of growing up and managing friendships.

apart from the usual "just ignore" I'd tell her that most friends come and go.
tell her that she doesn't have to be friends with anyone who upsets her.
if A is being an A-hole then that's her choice - clearly she's picking up on her mother's "my child is faultless" bullshit.

good riddance,

invite the other friends round for playdates

Unfortunately it's very common and I think you do need to help your kids navigate friendship issues.
I'd nip the 'don't tell' message very firmly and reassure your DD she did the right thing and should tell you if she has any problems. But she has got to develop some strategies to develop resilience and not let A prevent her from going to clubs etc..
Wider social circle helps, have other friends over and support her having more friends rather than a few very intense ones if you can.
If A persists in being unkind, then the friendship is no great loss.

Thanks for replies.

It really is tough. I don't think I'm ramping up drama, I don't think it would be good to ignore it and leave her to deal with it alone.

I wouldn't usually speak to another parent but this one is someone I'm friendly with, not best mates, but part of the same group of friends through school, have socialised together, days out with the kids etc so it would feel weird not to mention it.

It's just so bloody tough seeing her upset and worried every morning. If I discovered that my child was causing someone else to be upset I'd want to sort it out and help them move on. This parent seems to be of the view it's all my daughter and shrugged it off. I won't be approaching her again I will leave it with school to handle how they see fit if it continues.

My daughter has been very anxious this year anyway, and the situation with this girl has affected her far more than any previous little niggles with other kids which I did leave her to work through without getting involved.

Your Dd needs to take the power back! She needs to stop hanging round A like a wounded puppy not ask her to play and go off and have more fun with others.

Don’t speak to other kids parents they really don’t care and their truth is it’s your kid in the wrong. Just makes it awkward in the future with the other mum. I speak from experience!

This age group goes through a lot of friendship drama but I do think it's worse at the moment with the events of the last couple of years. Some kids are much more anxious, I think lots are less emotionally mature than they would be otherwise too.
Personally, I am in favour of occasional parental interventions. It can sometimes help. You can certainly model useful behaviour and it shows your child that you will protect them and stand up for them.