How do you deal with arsehole parents and their kids?

[parenting12347583]

First time young mum here. I wanted to ask what do you do or say when other kids are mean and unkind to your kids.

When a not so nice 8 year old is being mean to your 2 year old. Parents sat there watched and said nothing, made excuses for them saying their kid is just misunderstood but they are ‘good’. This particular couple sit around watching and say nothing for most of their days when their children play up or even laugh about their rude and bad behaviour (it’s shared on their social accounts in particular). I’ve been physically kicked by this child when they were 7 (on purpose) and they said nothing. I’m horrified that they think this kind of behaviour is ok. I mean behind closed doors, that’s your business but not at the expense of my child or anyone else’s child at that.

Another example, my relatives daughter hates sharing. Started slamming doors and my 2 year olds finger was almost caught. The mother said nothing. This particular couple encourage rudeness and want their child to be rowdy as they believe this kind of behaviour in kids means they are clever and smart and this is a positive trait for their future (yes they told me that).

That’s their parenting style, I understand but how do you as a parent who encourages kindness and sharing deal with these bully kids and parents?

Avoid them?

I try to as much as I can. But what about when it's family? I'm thinking for the future too, when the kids go to nursery/school.

I avoid family if they annoy me tbh so I would avoid them if their kids were being nasty to mine, school is more difficult

When a not so nice 8 year old is being mean to your 2 year old. Parents sat there watched and said nothing, made excuses for them saying their kid is just misunderstood but they are ‘good’

Leave? Why are you "sitting around" with them? Where is this happening. This much older child has kicked you and you're still socialising with your toddler.

Another example, my relatives daughter hates sharing. Started slamming doors and my 2 year olds finger was almost caught. The mother said nothing.

It's not your business to discipline their child, in their home, in front of them, even if you deem the behaviour shocking. If your DD almost caught her fingers in the door, then in fact you mean, your DD did not catch her fingers in the door. I have 2yo twins. They slam doors on each other. So I have attached little rubber bits on all our doors so they can't trap their fingers. If we are in someone else's house, I don't let them hover around doors.

This particular couple encourage rudeness and want their child to be rowdy as they believe this kind of behaviour in kids means they are clever and smart

Rowdy? Or outspoken and confident. It's unlikely they applaud door slamming. They probably are encouraging her to be as confident, forthright and opinionated as possible. Maybe overly so. That's again, not your personal preference, but doesn't make them inherently wrong or something to ridicule.

You can't change people like this so avoid them as much as possible

I'd try and avoid actively socialising with them but I wouldn't worry about nursery/school - your child will indeed encounter not nice people at some point and that's a part of life you can't fully avoid for them. I obviously don't mean tolerating them being bullied but there isn't anything you can or should do about the fact that obnoxious children will exist around your child sometimes.

The other thing I would say is to check that your expectations of these much older but still quite young children are appropriate. When you have tiny children it's easier to see older ones as so much bigger that they're basically adults and should have full emotional control, but they're not.

I would simply avoid them at all costs. Your child's safety comes first so remove yourselves from the situation

@MollysDolly

When a not so nice 8 year old is being mean to your 2 year old. Parents sat there watched and said nothing, made excuses for them saying their kid is just misunderstood but they are ‘good’

Leave? Why are you "sitting around" with them? Where is this happening. This much older child has kicked you and you're still socialising with your toddler.

Another example, my relatives daughter hates sharing. Started slamming doors and my 2 year olds finger was almost caught. The mother said nothing.

It's not your business to discipline their child, in their home, in front of them, even if you deem the behaviour shocking. If your DD almost caught her fingers in the door, then in fact you mean, your DD did not catch her fingers in the door. I have 2yo twins. They slam doors on each other. So I have attached little rubber bits on all our doors so they can't trap their fingers. If we are in someone else's house, I don't let them hover around doors.

This particular couple encourage rudeness and want their child to be rowdy as they believe this kind of behaviour in kids means they are clever and smart

Rowdy? Or outspoken and confident. It's unlikely they applaud door slamming. They probably are encouraging her to be as confident, forthright and opinionated as possible. Maybe overly so. That's again, not your personal preference, but doesn't make them inherently wrong or something to ridicule.

Completely disagree. As a grown up with decent morals it is your job to help younger people to become decent and good citizens. Of course it's ok to tell off someone else's child if what they're doing is unquestionably not ok with most of society. An 8 year old being mean to a 2 year old is of course never ok. And it's perfectly ok to tell them that. I despair actually with some of the attitudes I read on here. OP you're not wrong.

Avoid them.

I cannot stand children like this. My 2 year old has a boisterous cousin and they get in his face and pretty much scream. I always tell them off and tell them to calm down.

I find when it's a strangers child who is being unpleasant to my child. One child in particular tried to push my son off the play equipment and the parent said nothing. It infuriated me and I said to not push and that he wasn't a very kind boy.

My son wasn't hogging this particular toy either. We were at a play group and my son literally that second sat on a toy motorbike but this particular boy didn't want anyone else on it. He did run off crying but that isn't my problem. Sort your asshole kid out 🤷🏻‍♀️

Child kicks you, tell them if they do it again you will kick them back and your kicks are a dam site harder.

Child slams doors near your toddlers fingers, tell them if they do it again you will slam their fingers in the door.

If the parents say anything to you tell them if they want to neglect their child by not teaching them to socialise properly with others then it’s their child that will deal with the consequences but you will not be kicked by anyone’s child or risk your child safety because they can’t parent their child properly.

it doesn't matter if they are family or your best friend or whomever.

your most important job is to protect your child EVEN if it means you have to cut off people completely.
nobody else's needs, wants, wishes matter - if they can't fucking parent their own kids and put mine in danger willingly that'd be it. and no second chances without a sincere apology.

when DS5 was about 1.5y old a friend's son (then about 4.5y) pushed him over on the playground. on purpose. his older brothers (then 10 & 8) were very close, so jumped to his rescue and one of them stood between DS5 & boy and said in a Batman voice "don't ever do that to my brother again".
😳
All 4 parents witnessed this, DH & I were quite surprised at all of it, mum friend immediately turned to me to apologise (she'd been very stressed, hence the meet up and started to well up so I just hugged her), and dad friend scooped up his son, moved a bit away and had a very serious talk with him.
he came back and apologised on his behalf (the boy was clearly upset and refused to talk) which was totally fine.
They were all quite overwhelmed by the whole thing so they said sorry and left.
DS5 was ok.
we never stopped being friends with them because I knew they were on the ball and even though kids can be unpredictable there was no way they'd ever let something like that slide.
They are awesome friends & brilliant parents.

Anything less than their type of behaviour warrants a serious talk at the absolute minimum. If no luck then be done with these people

his older brothers = my older kids, so DS5's siblings

@MollysDolly

When a not so nice 8 year old is being mean to your 2 year old. Parents sat there watched and said nothing, made excuses for them saying their kid is just misunderstood but they are ‘good’

Leave? Why are you "sitting around" with them? Where is this happening. This much older child has kicked you and you're still socialising with your toddler.

Another example, my relatives daughter hates sharing. Started slamming doors and my 2 year olds finger was almost caught. The mother said nothing.

It's not your business to discipline their child, in their home, in front of them, even if you deem the behaviour shocking. If your DD almost caught her fingers in the door, then in fact you mean, your DD did not catch her fingers in the door. I have 2yo twins. They slam doors on each other. So I have attached little rubber bits on all our doors so they can't trap their fingers. If we are in someone else's house, I don't let them hover around doors.

This particular couple encourage rudeness and want their child to be rowdy as they believe this kind of behaviour in kids means they are clever and smart

Rowdy? Or outspoken and confident. It's unlikely they applaud door slamming. They probably are encouraging her to be as confident, forthright and opinionated as possible. Maybe overly so. That's again, not your personal preference, but doesn't make them inherently wrong or something to ridicule.

Confident, outspoken and forthright. Gosh. I also want my kids to be all three. But I'm not sure that's the right way to allow such behaviour?

Its comments like this that make me question my parenting. Is it wrong to teach my kids to be kind and not push the bully back or share your toy even though you really don't want to.

@Hardbackwriter

I'd try and avoid actively socialising with them but I wouldn't worry about nursery/school - your child will indeed encounter not nice people at some point and that's a part of life you can't fully avoid for them. I obviously don't mean tolerating them being bullied but there isn't anything you can or should do about the fact that obnoxious children will exist around your child sometimes.

The other thing I would say is to check that your expectations of these much older but still quite young children are appropriate. When you have tiny children it's easier to see older ones as so much bigger that they're basically adults and should have full emotional control, but they're not.

The 8 year old was one example. Even children who are the same age have had such behaviours

@LadyGAgain your first sentence is literally everything. That is basically how I see it too.

@BlueberrySugar

Avoid them.

I cannot stand children like this. My 2 year old has a boisterous cousin and they get in his face and pretty much scream. I always tell them off and tell them to calm down.

I find when it's a strangers child who is being unpleasant to my child. One child in particular tried to push my son off the play equipment and the parent said nothing. It infuriated me and I said to not push and that he wasn't a very kind boy.

My son wasn't hogging this particular toy either. We were at a play group and my son literally that second sat on a toy motorbike but this particular boy didn't want anyone else on it. He did run off crying but that isn't my problem. Sort your asshole kid out 🤷🏻‍♀️

Haha. I would be shit scared to do this

@AliceMcK

Child kicks you, tell them if they do it again you will kick them back and your kicks are a dam site harder.

Child slams doors near your toddlers fingers, tell them if they do it again you will slam their fingers in the door.

If the parents say anything to you tell them if they want to neglect their child by not teaching them to socialise properly with others then it’s their child that will deal with the consequences but you will not be kicked by anyone’s child or risk your child safety because they can’t parent their child properly.

I'm going to have to copy your last paragraph word for word. I get angry and in the past have told my child off. But I've quickly learnt that it's not fair and it's teaching my child all the wrong things as they have not done anything wrong. Now I just cuddle them and say how wonderful they are.

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

it doesn't matter if they are family or your best friend or whomever.

your most important job is to protect your child EVEN if it means you have to cut off people completely.
nobody else's needs, wants, wishes matter - if they can't fucking parent their own kids and put mine in danger willingly that'd be it. and no second chances without a sincere apology.

when DS5 was about 1.5y old a friend's son (then about 4.5y) pushed him over on the playground. on purpose. his older brothers (then 10 & 8) were very close, so jumped to his rescue and one of them stood between DS5 & boy and said in a Batman voice "don't ever do that to my brother again".
😳
All 4 parents witnessed this, DH & I were quite surprised at all of it, mum friend immediately turned to me to apologise (she'd been very stressed, hence the meet up and started to well up so I just hugged her), and dad friend scooped up his son, moved a bit away and had a very serious talk with him.
he came back and apologised on his behalf (the boy was clearly upset and refused to talk) which was totally fine.
They were all quite overwhelmed by the whole thing so they said sorry and left.
DS5 was ok.
we never stopped being friends with them because I knew they were on the ball and even though kids can be unpredictable there was no way they'd ever let something like that slide.
They are awesome friends & brilliant parents.

Anything less than their type of behaviour warrants a serious talk at the absolute minimum. If no luck then be done with these people

I love this. I do this too. I try not to embarrass my child in front of anyone by shouting at them but remove them from the situation and explain/talk about what happened and ask questions. I need friends like that too

@MollysDolly

When a not so nice 8 year old is being mean to your 2 year old. Parents sat there watched and said nothing, made excuses for them saying their kid is just misunderstood but they are ‘good’

Leave? Why are you "sitting around" with them? Where is this happening. This much older child has kicked you and you're still socialising with your toddler.

Another example, my relatives daughter hates sharing. Started slamming doors and my 2 year olds finger was almost caught. The mother said nothing.

It's not your business to discipline their child, in their home, in front of them, even if you deem the behaviour shocking. If your DD almost caught her fingers in the door, then in fact you mean, your DD did not catch her fingers in the door. I have 2yo twins. They slam doors on each other. So I have attached little rubber bits on all our doors so they can't trap their fingers. If we are in someone else's house, I don't let them hover around doors.

This particular couple encourage rudeness and want their child to be rowdy as they believe this kind of behaviour in kids means they are clever and smart

Rowdy? Or outspoken and confident. It's unlikely they applaud door slamming. They probably are encouraging her to be as confident, forthright and opinionated as possible. Maybe overly so. That's again, not your personal preference, but doesn't make them inherently wrong or something to ridicule.

I've been re-reading this and gooodness aren't you a mean one. You literally took my words apart and found all the ways to make me look like I'm a bad parent/person. Good luck to you and your twins. Hope you raise them better than you say

Hardly.

You essentially are moaning that you don't like this parent/child, then choosing to socialise with them. Just don't go.

They put my 2yr at risk of having her fingers trapped. Either, take it upon yourself to keep on top of your child and where she is, or don't keep going round then complaining you don't like they way they do things.

No one is forcing you to be around these people.

@MollysDolly

Hardly.

You essentially are moaning that you don't like this parent/child, then choosing to socialise with them. Just don't go.

They put my 2yr at risk of having her fingers trapped. Either, take it upon yourself to keep on top of your child and where she is, or don't keep going round then complaining you don't like they way they do things.

No one is forcing you to be around these people.

Please re-read my first sentence: 'First time young mum here. I wanted to ask what do you do or say when other kids are mean and unkind to your kids'

The two examples I have were exactly that examples. I am asking other mums how they deal with kids and parents who unfortunately exist. Most of these people are family so I can't just cut them out or 'avoid' all the time. I see them rarely but still have issues at times. You may say no one is forcing me now but when kids go to school majority of times it can't be avoided and you need to manage/deal with these parents/kids heads on.

i agree with LadyGAgain, it's your job to teach kindness, and is possible for the traits of kindness and quiet confidence to co exist, one doesn't have to preclude the other

The parents on here who seem to endorse overconfidence arrogance will eventually reap the reward of obnoxious adults - their choice.

it's also important to model that bad behaviour is not ok and won't be tolerated, remove child from situation and firmly tell offender it is not ok

@Pickuptruck

i agree with LadyGAgain, it's your job to teach kindness, and is possible for the traits of kindness and quiet confidence to co exist, one doesn't have to preclude the other

The parents on here who seem to endorse overconfidence arrogance will eventually reap the reward of obnoxious adults - their choice.

it's also important to model that bad behaviour is not ok and won't be tolerated, remove child from situation and firmly tell offender it is not ok

Thank you. I will be making some notes from all your comments. Sometimes eve. The simple things like being firm feels difficult