Sibling teasing younger one

[TurnUpTurnip]

How do you deal with a child that’s constantly hurting and winding up their siblings? My 7 year old will tease my 4 year old all day, it’s constant, she’s constantly screaming and crying and he is constantly upsetting her or winding her up and even hits her, I’ve told him time and time again not to do it, I’ve disciplined him but it just doesn’t change. I really am at my wits end

Why do you think he does it? That's what you need to find out.

For attention is a common reason, but could also be he's being bullied and is recreating that behaviour at home. Does he have a behavioural issue/SN? Is it worse when he's tired/hungry/bored/overstimulated etc.?

Look for the cause and then you can find a solution.

Separate them each and every time, and give the younger one something nice to do. When older one complains about missing out (they always do) be very clear that the reason they are missing out is because they don't play nicely with younger DC.

Right now he gets satisfaction out of winding up the younger one and he needs to realise that he will miss out on things if he behaves this way. Whether that's because he is rigid about wanting things his way and lashes out because his younger sister doesn't allow that to whether he really does get a kick out of upsetting her is not relevant.

It’s definitely jealous, no sen, he frequently says he wishes she wasn’t born because “she’s annoying” says he wishes he was still the youngest, he wishes he was 3 and she was 4 so he could be the youngest. He hurts her often then says it was an accident when it wasn’t like pushes her, hits her

I have 2 older brothers and they used to hit me. It was fucking awful. I don't have anything to do with them anymore. And they wonder why...

Protect your daughter at any cost. Keep her away from him and tell him outright that it's because his behaviour is horrible and he needs to learn to keep his hands to himself. Male violence is abhorrent.

How can I keep them away though? I can’t lock him in his room all day, I know
It’s horrible my brother use to hit me (although he was much much older than me) and it really affected me, I’ve told him constantly not to do it, I’ve explained why, I’ve disciplined him, but he still just keeps doing it

Do they share any interests or like similar activities. Could you scaffold enjoyable time together for them. Then really praise what a lovely big brother he is when he is being nice. He's still young enough at 7 to enjoy ott praise for anything no matter how small. Maybe set up little ways he could help her and again ott praise. Even later in the day I'd be like oh i was so happy how you were playing so nicely with your little sister l.

I would come down hard with being mean and violence. I go mad when mine hurt each other. They're allowed to feel whatever they like about each other but they can't be mean or hurt each other (I'm not raising bullies leaves my mouth a lot). But also look out for triggers, like does she mess up his Lego etc like age appropriate things for her but annoying for an older sibling. Also does he get a bit of space away from her. Mine can go to a room not being used or their bedroom and shut the door if they want to 'concentrate' on something.

I think sibling relationships need a lot of parent input during childhood. Is him feeling jealous being addressed?

7 is young but very big for a four year old to battle with.

There’s not much I can do about the jealousy he is jealous for no reason, he was jealous because he had to go to school and she was home with me etc, she’s at school now and he was ecstatic knowing she wouldn’t be at home with me anymore, she touches his stuff and he gets annoyed but I’ve explained she is half his age nearly and it’s not an excuse to hurt her, they play together a lot and share most of the same interests but it always ends in tears she’s had scratches on her from him and I get worried sending her to school with them as I know how these things can be taken, I’ve explained he can’t hurt her but he just doesn’t care and keeps doing it no matter what I say or do.

Do you have any opportunities to spend 1-1 time with just him. Things he can do with you because he is older that she can’t participate in? Like go to a climbing wall or something like that? Or just making time to do things with just him... swimming, baking, playing Lego, going for cake, whatever he’s into. It will help him enormously to see that he can still have time with just you. Make this a really positive time. Don’t talk about the issue of sibling at this time. Tell him the things you like about him and why you’re proud of him. If you can make it a regular thing, like Friday afternoon mummy time, he would benefit from the routine and consistency of knowing he has a time in the week with just you and him. Show him lots of affection and cuddles.

Also, try to spend time playing with them both together, and just praise any of his good behaviour. Good sharing, kind hands, great turn taking. Look for ALL the positives and say them out loud! Give his self-esteem a boost.

'There’s not much I can do about the jealousy he is jealous for no reason, he was jealous because he had to go to school and she was home with me etc, '

You say he is jealous for no reason, but then go on to give a reason! She was home with you and he had to go to school, that's a reason! And a good one. Of course he's jealous.

If you want him to be sympathetic to her, you need to model that behaviour and be sympathetic towards him. Validate his feelings (but not his behaviour). Remember that jealousy is a horrible emotion to feel, no-one chooses to be jealous do they? It's a horrible feeling. It's not his fault.

Teach him some techniques to deal with his anger. Mindfulness can be good. Making a calm down zone in his bedroom (maybe a beanbag and some fairy lights and a favourite teddy) where he can go and calm down when he needs to.

Make sure you're also tackling Dd's behaviour. She shouldn't be messing up his lego/touching his stuff. She's younger than him, but old enough to be told to leave his stuff alone.

Spend some one-on-one time with him regularly.

If they're playing together successfully interrupt the game BEFORE it turns bad, don't let it get to the point that he gets annoyed. That way it can end as a success. You can praise him. He can feel what it's like to play successfully with her and not end up annoyed and in trouble. The more he associates playing with her being a positive experience the better the relationship between them will be.

When mine get like this, I usually facilitate some one on one time with each of them. Its usually a fight for my attention. I had 3 kids in 5 years so its chaotic at times. They're allowed to feel jealous and you need to do your best to make sure things are equal be that treats, attention or praise.

I echo pps.
One on one time with both children. Every day! And more time on special days.
And you need to get much tougher on him hitting her.
Also tough on her winding him up, touching his things etc.
Both children must respect each other’s things, bodies and space.
It’s doing him no favours to let him behave like this. One day your younger DD will want nothing to do with him and he will be bewildered as to why.
Parents have a huge input into sibling jealousy and fighting.

I also gently remind my eldest sometimes that he had me for 3 years all to himself and his brother and sister didn't. That usually makes him a bit calmer with them.