I'm step mum to 2 boys aged 5 and 11, and I'm having a nightmare with their mum. She's a bully to my husband and myself, and purposefully tries to isolate us from the boys. We have them alternating weekends and every Wednesday.
Some examples for context and to vent:
- During their time together she took out store cards in my husbands name and didn't pay them off, so when we went to apply for a mortgage together he found he actually had thousands of pounds in unpaid debt and a CCJ (this resulted in us having to drastically downsize from looking to buy a house together to a small flat entirely in my name). He's still paying off her debt weekly, and she refuses to take any responsibility as she can't afford to pay it.
- We arranged for the eldest to receive a laptop from his school for doing his homework (the ex got angry at us for doing this as she said it made her look bad), and also paid for his residential trip with school as she had told us she couldn't afford it. She then told him that she paid for both the laptop and the trip, and that we weren't involved at all.
- We were supposed to have the boys for Christmas this year, but when my husband messaged her to confirm the details she is refusing to let us have them. She also told the boys that we don't want them with us because 'they're annoying and we don't want to have to deal with them'. When the eldest asked us if this was true, he was so sad.
- She tells the boys that their dad cheated on her with me and it's my fault that they split. This is not true. Her family commented on our wedding photos when we posted them on social media with comments like 'try not to cheat on this one'.
- The 11yo has just started secondary school, so my husband contacted the school to ask to be added as a contact in emergencies and for general info (mufti days, events etc). The ex then contacted the school and told them to remove him from the contact list, and then berated him for 'meddling' in the son's education, stating that she will decide what he needs to know about his son's school. Bizarrely, MIL agreed with the ex...
- Messages from the ex are usually aggressive, calling my husband a moron, an idiot, a useless dad, an a*hole, a piece of st - and then also attacking me calling me a slt homewrecker, and that I shouldn't be in the boy's lives. Again, he had left her before we began a relationship so the split wasn't because of me.
- The eldest went to school the other day with a pencil case that belonged to his mums boyfriend by accident. When he got to school he realised it was full of drugs. His mum told him to walk home (an hours walk - she could have booked a taxi for herself to collect from him) to return it and then walk back to school. He got a detention for being late, and we got a notification to say he was missing from school. His mum then called my husband to explain that the school had made a mistake and gotten their son mixed up with someone else - so she lied to cover up that he had gone to school with her bf's drugs.
- The boys have told us that their mum and her bf are physically aggressive with each other - doors and objects in their home have been broken during arguments in front of the boys.
- Half term has just happened, and both children stayed indoors all day every single day. This is very typical of their time at home with her, they are given video games etc to keep them entertained. They do no homework after school, because 'it's too hard' for her to do it with them.
It's been 2 years since the end of their relationship, and she has since had a child with another man who she is now in a relationship with, but she is still very aggressively upset about my husband leaving her. She has never had a job, and was always very reliant on my husband's wage when they were together. She also doesn't seem to understand that we both work full-time jobs and so can't take days off or holidays whenever we want.
She has maintained a very good relationship with my husbands family (his mum, sister and grandparents) to whom she is very polite and friendly. We have stopped trying to explain to any of them about her behaviour, because they just refuse to believe it when 'she's always so nice to them'.
These are just a handful of examples of how she has been aggressive, manipulative and a downright pain in the ass. My husband is at the end of his rope, he's stopped challenging her on anything as it just starts an argument where she berates him for hours. He's spiralled into depression because of her behaviour in the last few months, and is seriously considering stopping seeing the boys because he feels like it's the only way to get away from her.
Honestly, he wasn't always the best dad when he was in the final unhappy years of the relationship with his ex, but he's really trying to make up for it and she's putting as many obstacles in the way as she can. I work in education and together we make sure every weekend we have with them is filled with educational trips and activities (swimming lessons, trips to museums, beach cleans etc). I can understand that this could be making the ex feel like we're trying to make her look bad, but it's never done with that intention we just want the boys to have some experiences.
Ok, essay over! Any advice on how to deal with the bully ex? How to communicate with her when she's being unreasonable? Any official actions that you think we should take?