any advice ? bright DS2 is going to catch up and pass dyslexic DS1 in reading...help!!

[gigglewitchyouamerrychristmas]

DS1 is 7, he's in year two and has had an IEP for two years, he gets extra 1:1 support and is doing fantastically well in terms of progress (for him) and is halfway through year 1 work.
here's the catch - DS2 is four years old, has pretty much taught himself to read, is way ahead of his peers and is quicker on word recognition than his brother.
We have kept their strengths and interests totally separate until now, so that the 'comparison' issue didn't arise; but DS2 is wanting to read stuff at home and DS1 is becoming more aware of his difficulties.
There is a bomb just waiting to go off in our house.... has anyone been in a similar situation?

no experience giggle
other than you sound like Excellent mother.
only advice is keep reinforcing, in every other area, the idea that achievement is ONLY based on one's own previous best, and is not comparative - swim?

also, make joke out of it? there goes ds2 with his crazily good reading!! god ds2 you are amazing! DS1, back in TheRestOfUsLand, what did you think of this last book? Me too! It was funny/stupid/interesting.. etc.

thankyou batty

ps like the joke idea, hadn't thought of anything like that
too busy stressing

ds2 and ds3 overtook ds1 ages ago but he wasn't really aware of it (well he is but not obviously). It was hard for us though. I'd focus on ds1's strengths to be honest. A 'well ds1 you're good at this and ds2 well you're good at this'. DS2 is very good at reading and at his school they have a real policy of this. So he's phobic almost at cutting out (useless) but his teacher said that she told him that he had to get on with it- he was good at reading, others found it hard, but he still had to do stuff he didn't like.

It seems to work well in their school "x is great at this, Y is good at this" etc etc.... You can;t not celebrate ds2;s success because of ds1 iyswim

yurt, hearing your experience really helps.
i do know what you mean about almost not saying how good ds2 is cos of ds1 - we're terrified of heading down this road, but feel that we don't really congratulate him as much as i'd like.

it's hard isn't it- that bit probably harder for you (ds1 is non-verbal- but I have begun to realise understanding far more than I realised). Focus on ds1's strengths and really praise them, do the same for ds2. This is something that is really well done in ds2's school and it works. DS2's reading ability is recognised, but he comes home and tells me who is fabulous at maths...... This is something they claim to work on (getting the kids to recognise everyone's strengths) and I think they do it well

It is a tricky one. I was that second child and my parents sort of pretended I wasn't streets ahead of everyone else because it might have made my elder brother feel bad. To this day I think I have a strong "performance" ethic as a result.

I deffo think you have to focus on things each of them can do. And the joking suggestion is a good one.

We may be entering into this territory ourselves (bit soon to tell) and I was thinking about this only yesterday. I'll watch this thread with interest.

I recognise you, Yurt1 - good to have you back.

this is NOT an aggressive question yurt..
but wonder whether that fixes kid's self-image as 'good at.." and therefore not allowed to explore the 'crap at' bits?

similar situation in our family but the other way around (still causes similar problems though). I always try to reward effort rather than absolute achievement and make sure they both know that what I value most is them each doing their own best and not class position or number of prizes etc.

sorry that NOT sounded very aggressive didn't it!
am trying to do 5 years of tax returns - bags of receipts - for incompetent dp and a bit one-handed-typing at mo.

I know a family a bit like yours - DD1 sweet but slow to progress, DD2 2 years younger and streaking up and past - they handled it really badly, talking about it to others in front of one or both girls, and made the DD1 feel slow and stupid.

onebatmother's suggestions sound ace - just reinforce the "we are all good at different things" message as often as you need to - and yes, you do sound like a great mum

We have had similar with DS2 and DS3 (now 11 and 9, yr 6 and yr 5) not helped by the fact that they're in the same class every other year (small school) although this will be the last year.

DS2 has eventually found his way and is doing ok now, and it's not so much of a problem this time round, but was hardgoing when they were in yrs 4 and 3 and in the same class.

We found what helped was encouraging their own interests, finding things that DS2 in particular liked and was good at, but also being conscious that DS3 also needed praise.

The joking is a great way to deal with it, could have done with a bit of that a couple of years ago.

not ime onebat as its not done in a competitive way- rather in a recognising way iyswim.

I think we are lucky having different sexes, because they are not competing in every area - DS is doing and enjoying judo, for example, which DD is not interested in. So we can use things like that to differentiate.

We have dd2, 17 months (one school year) younger than dd1, and academically much quicker. They're at a similar level at the moment, they're 7 and 6 now, but dd2 picks up things much quicker. She's also more confident, louder, and they're the same height, dd2 is going to be taller very soon at this rate.

I was quite worried about this a year or so ago. in their small school children who are bright get moved up for lessons so they have been in some of the same classes too. But dd1 is a dreamy uncompetitive type and she doesn't seem that bothered. So we're playing it by ear, praising dd1 for what she is good at, remembering to praise dd2 as well rather than minimsing it (as Anchovy reports her parents did). I'm hoping that if as parents we don't put too much emphasis on academic success as the be all and end all of life, then it won't be a problem.

It's quite good for us in a way because DP and I were/are both very academic so it makes us stop and think about about what we value in our children.

I've had it/about to have it twice
Ds1 mildly dyslexic, ds2 18 months younger, they're in adjacent school years, caught up around y4/5 - they would literally be reading the same books, or one would have one book, and the other the same book the next night. Did all reading in seperate rooms.
Ds3 very dyslexic, gets loads of extra help at school, Ds4, 2.5 years younger, 3 school years behind, is about to overtake ds3 on reading scheme, and is already better than him at spelling.
For all of them we do do the bit about "oh yes dsx is very good at x, y and z", but we do also talk about bits they aren't good at, apart from anything it's particularly helpful for ds3 to realise that his brothers have things they aren't so great at.

We're in similar sort of territory. Both of mine are OK in raw academic terms, but dd (just 7, yr2)'s abilities (efficient, competent, focussed) are much more school-friendly (& therefore progressing more quickly & much more all-roundedly) than ds's (8.5, yr4) leaps of inspiration combined with lapses in performance.

Dd's handwriting is streets ahead of his now, her spelling pretty much as good, and purely out of interest I did a reading-age test - he came out as 11.7, she was 11.9.

What we do as between them is just not raise the issue of academics at all. Dd does her homework, ds does his. Then they go off and play - and get lots of praise for being co-operative & kind to each other - school profile being treated as irrelevant at home.

It's interesting - dd for the first time recently said to me "lots of people in the class think X is cleverer than me, but some people think I'm cleverer than X". I said, "It's not something to even think about. All that matters is someone doing what their own best is." I'll do my best to keep up that line, I think.

I try lines about "there are different sorts of clever" and "people are clever in different ways". dd2 can see through this, she's good at spotting weaknesses in arguments, and she can see that some people appear to be good at many things, and others less so, but I keep plugging it anyway.

Then I go for the "It's not what you are good at it's what sort of Person you are and what you do with your life" line. This is helped by the dds going to Woodcraft folk which is very non-competitive and into cooperation at all times.

you lot are fab! just got back for a quick look and heaps of great advice turning up!
lots of the things you are all saying 'ring a bell' as similar with our lot (heaven help us when dd -now only 2 joins in the mix, she is another ds2-clone).
things like "different kinds of clever" are ones which will stick in the mind, i suppose we're trying to do that, but one phrase to repeat (repeatedly) will really help.
Anchovy, it's great to hear from someone who has been there, it is a perspective that i desperately wanted but don't know anyone in rl who has mentioned it. and Loshad, you talk/write heaps of sense!
it is really good to see how you're all dealing with it....thought it was only us